Fireworks Through My Journey

The Tiger's Wife

2012-01-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

Another book club month has come and gone. It was my pick this time around and I chose The Tiger's Wife. It was a book that kept coming up in articles I had been reading and every time I walked into a book store the cover just caught my eye (way to go art direction team). I had nothing but pure excitement to jump into this book and get into the adventure it promised me it would be. Sadly, I had so many false starts to getting into the journey.

I will say, like most of the critics, that Téa Obreht is an amazing writer when it comes to her details, but sometimes I believe too many details can make a great story so confusing that you lose your readers interest. The basis of the book spans over a period of about two days, but in these two days there are several (and by several I mean five) other stories happening. I found myself skipping parts, just so I could read more about the story I was interested in and in the end it didn't really matter because there was no final closure to practically any of the stories.

What I did respect about the book was that, Tea gets to you think about death and life, relationships and the way we treat others. I was sad that this book didn't meet my grand expectations, but it did for her and as an author I believe that is one of the most important things; that you finish what you set out to and you finish it in a manner that you are satisfied with, no matter what others may think.

Recipe for the Joy of Cooking

2012-01-11T19:48:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a family of chefs and have my reasons for why I didn’t really like to be in the kitchen with them, mainly because they knew how to do EVERYTHING and when they would try and teach me it felt more like a nuisance, then passing on the joy they felt when they created a meal. They may differ in their opinions, but growing up this is how I perceived it.

I left for college and really lived by the college cookbook, cafeteria and microwavable meals (so sad I know). Then I moved into an apartment with five other girls and getting to the kitchen and having the space to create anything let alone healthy was a bit of a marathon. Then came moving to a foreign country where cooking became more of an experiment; as you might imagine. All the measurements were different and the ingredients were quite a bit different; so once I moved back to the states it was as though I had never stepped into a kitchen, still by the time I came back I was a bit more inspired to be in there in the first place because I had done so much more cooking while living in New Zealand.

I began making things from scratch, because that had been my norm in New Zealand versus here where you can buy practically ANYTHING ready made. I kept up on my shepherd’s pie skills, started baking more (which my roommate at the time loved), and I even cooked Salmon for the first time! In this time I found a bit more inspiration and creativity in cooking, but then I moved twice within a period of 7 months and I am not quite sure where that time went. Then I moved in with another chef (and dear friend) of sorts and all the feelings of being a nuisance in the kitchen came back. I made my fair share of things and baked quite a bit, but nothing like the past two years.

Then I got married to a chef (what are the odds!), Graeme is exceptional in the kitchen and for the first six months of our marriage cooking was really his thing (since he wasn’t working yet), so I stayed away and the time when I did get in there, I felt like I was trespassing into territory that wasn’t mine. Since he has started working we go back and forth on the cooking duties and with this comes learning how to communicate with one another while in the kitchen. He is patient with me and encourages me to be creative and actually find joy in it (like he does). I am learning how to take constructive criticism and also realizing I am not a nuisance.

We have been cooking quite a bit more together and when I see this most play out is when we both want to try something new, so we pull out one of our many cookbooks (as seen below), tag a recipe, and make a go of it. We took a few short cuts with this latest meal, but he was gracious, encouraged me for what we should do next time with the recipe, and then gulped it down telling me how delicious it was even if it wasn’t exactly as the recipe describe.

Patience + Words of Love = A creative kitchen with some tasty meals; I have discovered this is my recipe for finding joy in cooking.

Finding Joy in Tragedy

2012-01-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

I believe that things happen for a reason, even if I don't know that reason for many years, if ever.

When I was living in New Zealand with Kristin it was a fear that her Grandfather would pass away while we were living there; he had some serious health issues and we both had discussed the several options of her leaving if he had passed away. Never once did we think I would be the one to loose someone.

My Uncle passed away mid way through our year there and it was a shock to my whole being. He had, been having several health issues himself, but nothing that wasn't under control. Sadly though, some other things came up and he passed away quickly. It was a shock to my system and I felt as though I couldn't be any farther away from home. I knew I couldn't fly home unless I wanted to stay and not finish out my year and my Aunt adamantly told me that he was so proud of what I had chosen to do, it would be silly to come home half way through. Yet, to not be able to grieve alongside the rest of my family, I knew would leave a certain void in me.

On Saturday morning Graeme lost a dear friend Alexis in a tragic hot air balloon accident in New Zealand. I had woken up early in the morning to read and came across an article about it. Something in me thought he might know someone because it had been so close to Wellington, but I thought to myself, truly what are the odds. Regardless, I decided to wake him to tell him. No names were listed, just that all 11 people had lost their lives. Over the course of the day we came to find out that Alexis and her boyfriend Chrisjan had been on the balloon.

I had never met either of them, but I remembered seeing a photo of Alexis at Graeme's going away party and as the day went on he told me stories about her and the joy that she brought everywhere she went. He showed me her facebook page and the outpouring of love and sadness at her loss. Over the day I think it was just complete shock for him that this had happened, that out of all 11 they were the two youngest by 30 years, and the sadness of how they had passed.

We had decided to go to church on Saturday night and throughout the service he seemed "fine", but it wasn't towards the end in the middle of worship were he broke down. It hit him, that his friend was gone, that he was incredibly far from home, and that he would not be able to have the kind of closure that everyone else would have. It was a sad moment as his wife to allow him to cry on my shoulder and know that there is nothing I could do, but be there. In a way I knew that what I had experienced in New Zealand, at the loss of my loved one gave me an insight to how he was feeling in that moment. Being homesick. Grief. A void that may never be filled.

For Graeme though there is joy. Alexis, from what I have heard and seen in the testament of those who loved her dearly, was that she was filled with joy and that she carried it everywhere she went. She was passionate for people, Christ, and the world. I wish I knew why God chooses the time that he chooses, but He is God and in no right does He have to share that information with me, but loss no matter the time or age is an incredibly hard, yet real part of the lives we lead.

Below are the last memories Graeme has of spending time with Alexis, as she wished him well on his new adventure to his new second home. You are dearly missed Alexis Still, thank you for reminding us to take the joy of the LORD with us wherever we go.

*Alexis (blonde) at the center with Grae and friends...May 2011

Finishing...

2011-12-31T18:30:00.000-08:00

What a year of writing this has been for me or should I say lack of writing, well at least I made an effort and didn't completely fall away from the blogging world.

Graeme introduced me to John Acuff, who I enjoy reading immensely. He wrote this blog that challenged my thoughts towards the concept of "finishing" and what it means to finish what I have started. Graeme will testify that I am great with the big picture, the dreaming on a large scale, but when it comes to the details and working through to accomplish this BIG dream I lack the immediate follow through. If I set out to do something I eventually get around to it, but no promises of when that might be. When I read John's blog I couldn't help but laugh out loud, because I felt like he was describing all of my habits.

With 2012 literally hours away, I am aiming to start small and begin to finish projects that I have begun. Starting small I think helps me to get motivated and moving forward. So here is to a year filled with finishing projects and doing my best to post my small and hopefully large successes along the way!

Happy New Year Everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful start to 2012!

Knock Knock, Are You There Keys?

2011-12-30T09:25:00.000-08:00

What was meant to be a fairly relaxing evening ended up in a course of learning how to unscrew the backseat of a Kia Optima. A note I would also like to make here is that Grae and I are looking to buy a car this coming summer/autumn and the Optima had been one of the choices but after this particular evenings experience, I can say that thought has been put on the farthest back burner possible.

My Mum had driven down for Uncle Mike's funeral and we had just returned to our apartment to finish up the day and wait for Grae to come home so we could do the last of our Christmas shopping. Through a flurry of information, rain, and packing up the car for her trip back home in the morning, she locked the keys in the trunk. Now my first thought was, not a big deal, we'll call AAA and they'll come unlock the car and we'll pop the trunk, easy!

Now, calling AAA and having them unlock the car was the easy part, but what we didn't factor in was that everything was tied together via the electronics of the car. Once the car was "forced" open everything practically locked down except for the alarm which went off about every 10 minutes until Grae got home with the tool kit to get the battery out of the car. Thus began a four hour pursuit of the keys in the trunk, from disconnecting a large portion of the backseat, using our phones as videocameras to have a look around the trunk, to getting a great work out by having to pull the back portion of the seats away from the door so Grae could reach in and pull out items that were blocking the way to unlatch the trunk.

Finally after several failed attempts Grae was able to stick the end of a broom in with a good view of the emergency latch and open the trunk... Success!!

The next hour consisted of reattaching the seats to the car, packing up the car, having dinner, and falling into bed.

Lessons learned: buy a car that manually allows the backseats to fold down from inside the car, always know where the emergency latch is within the trunk, keep tools handy, if able have a hide away key stored somewhere on the car, and if possible maintain a sense of humor when such situations arise :)

Uncle Mike

2011-12-02T17:44:00.001-08:00

My Great Uncle Mike passed away yesterday in his home, with his lovely bride and family beside him. He was the baby brother in a family of ten siblings; he was a beloved Grandfather, Uncle, Father, and Husband.

I have more memories of Uncle Mike from my early childhood than I do presently, but the memory that will stick with me the rest of my life is from last weekend. Through a phone trail we learned that Uncle Mike had been admitted to the hospital again and was not doing well. He had been on dialysis for the past several years and had taken a spill a couple months back which resulted in injuring his leg, and through a series of events, lead to an infection that brought him back to the hospital. Graeme and I spent last Saturday crowded in an ICU room in Fullerton with about ten other family members, exchanging stories, memories, and helping Aunt Pauline with whatever she needed.

After everyone had left, Graeme and I waited to walk Aunt Pauline out. Uncle Mike had been heavily sedated and barely spoke throughout the evening, but when my Aunt Pauline told him she was leaving for the night to go home and get some sleep, he whispered "I love you" and stuck his lips out for a kiss. He had saved his energy for her. Aunt Pauline cried as she kissed him and whispered back, "I love you too, I love you very much". I cried. She had told us earlier in the evening that leaving was the hardest part, having to say goodbye, and sleep separated.

I know Uncle Mike is in a better place, but my heart aches for my Aunt Pauline because this goodbye is now more permanent. They were partners in this life; in good times and not so great times. They were lovers, parents, companions, and more.

Goodnight Uncle Mike, we will all miss you. Hey Uncle Mike, will you do me a favor and tell Grandma Ginny I said hello when you see her and that even after 19 years, I still miss her.

The Boy from the Aiport

2011-11-23T10:18:00.001-08:00

I recently put an update on facebook about how I married the boy from the airport and some of you had asked about the story so for your amusement here it is.

Graeme and I had only met a couple times over the course of my year living abroad. Never once had we hung out one on one, so our encounters had been brief, around our church friends, and my goodbye party. After I left Wellington with Kristin to travel around Australia and the South Island we returned for one night to Wellington to pack up our belongings and catch a flight back to California.

We grabbed breakfast at our favorite spot the Chocolate Fish in Scorching Bay and headed to the airport. When we arrived several of our friends were there waiting for us to say goodbye. It was quite a surprise and shock to Kristin and I, but something I know we both appreciated.

In the Wellington airport they have a whole lobby/terminal type area that you can sit and wait with people before heading off to the gates. Several other friends showed up after we had checked in, and not too long before we headed to our gate Graeme showed up. To be perfectly honest I don't quite remember when he showed up, it wasn't until my friend Emma pointed him out to me did I realize he was there. I wondered why this guy I barely knew had showed up to say goodbye, but I was overtaken by the emotion of leaving this place I had called home and grown to love very much.

Graeme and I had a chance to talk a little bit about a job interview he had just come from and how he was looking forward to the challenge and change of something new. In a way I felt special that he would rush off from an interview to come say goodbye to me; but again my head was preoccupied with several other thoughts and not the specifics of why he was there.

By this point Kristin and I heard them boarding our flight, so in tears (more than I would like to admit) we said goodbye to everyone, went through security, and boarded our flight home. I cried on the plane, because I didn't think I would be coming back to this place for quite some time, but now, four years later I am tied to New Zealand in more ways than one. I can now say I truly have family there and it is just as much home as the States is.

So, that is how I came to marry the boy from the airport; over three plus years of e-mails, one trip back to New Zealand, two trips to the states, a proposal, civil ceremony, wedding, and now green card, I could not ask for a better best friend or partner in this life. I can truly say Grae is my better half and compliments me in ways I never thought another individual could.

Dinosaurs...Rarrrrr!

2011-11-09T12:09:00.000-08:00

So Graeme and I have had dinosaurs on the brain lately. We recently got asked to join a book club and it just so happened our first book was Jurassic Park. I had always heard it was a good book and I have to agree with what I heard, it was in fact a really good read. It was hard to sleep some nights because I just wanted to finish the next chapter and see who survived the chaos of that chapter. For those movie fanatics out there, the book is quite a bit different (which more often than not has to be the case when converting something to film) and I have to say far more interesting.

When we finished the book we were curious to watch the movie again, because the last time I saw it I think was around 15 (Graeme would like it known he was about 7 the last time he saw it...he probably had dinorsaur sheets then too!). So we got it from Netflix (even though it was different than book it was still pretty fun to watch) and after that were even more curious to watch the second installment which we had both seen in portion, but never in its entirety. It wasn't half bad, something tells me the book was probably better.

Now we are waiting for the third installment which has no book attached to it, so my expectations are high (and plus I have heard it is an overall better movie than the second). So here is hoping for some fun entertainment and great special effects while packing for our Montana weekend!

Enjoy the photos below; the delicious treats you see displayed are Graeme's fun creations for our book club. Since snacks were aimed to be "Jurassic Park" themed Graeme took the liberty of having some fun it, while creating his own amazing pumpkin spice cupcake recipe...I am so fortunate to have a husband who enjoys being in the kitchen. :)

My How Time Flies...

2011-10-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I last wrote a blog...I guess when it comes to planning a wedding, holding a full time job down, and learning our United States immigrations laws, it takes time away from my creative thoughts.

Last week Graeme and I had one of our last big hurdles to jump, our immigration interview. It looked a little something like this...

We showed up to the federal building at 8am, got through security, and found our way to the room filled with about 75 other hopefuls that they would be granted residency. I think I re-read the same paragraph in Jurassic Park about 12 times; just sitting in this room people watching and watching all the interviewees come and go calling out names was truly so interesting. An hour later our name was called and we were escorted through a door and down a long hallway. Our interviewee was really nice and that made us feel a little less nervous and then we walked into his office which had a big window with a lot of light coming through (and for whatever reason the window was a nice little comfort, the ability to see outside and not feel trapped).

He proceeded to go through our photo album that we had created that week of our life from the last year and then through the book Grae had made for the proposal. He made a few nice comments and then proceeded to tell us he needed to write up a few things that would just take him a few minutes. A minute into his typing he asked us what we had done that weekend (I laughed in my head for how subtle the question it was and that he was trying to find any issues with our relationship). We explained that we had hung out with several friends, went to a pumpkin patch, and invited friends over to watch the rugby game. He kept typing and then made the comment that Grae's birthday was coming up and what were we planning on doing for that. So we explained how we invited friends to go bowling, maybe a movie after, then the two of us were going to do a dinner later in the week. That was it. Two questions to test the validity of our relationship.

A few minutes later he handed us two pieces of paper and congratulated us on our conditional green card. Woot! Conditional just means he has his green card for two years when we have to refile, show more evidence of our relationship, and then he gets his more permanent green card. Then a year after that he is able to become a citizen; but I am getting a head of myself. For now he has his green card and we are thrilled!

So that's a bit of our world right now. His birthday is tomorrow and it will be fun to celebrate with friends and then his job hunt will continue. So many possibilities, but we are both praying that the right door opens up and truly is the best fit for his creativity. All in good time.

More blogs to come...I am feeling that creative edge again which is nice. I am off to New Orleans for work next week; I am sure there will be plenty of stories to share about that!

Our Long Lost Refrigerator Shelf

2011-07-31T22:30:00.000-07:00

This shelf you see above you is a beloved piece in our household these days and let me tell you why.

Graeme and I were given some great advice when we found out that we had to buy our fridge for our apartment and that was to go to the Sears outlet. Given that this is our first apartment and nothing super special except that it is our first place together we weren't wanting to spend heaps on a fridge and the outlet was the perfect place to buy a discounted brand new fridge. Graeme and I went the day he landed from New Zealand and picked out what would be a our new fridge. It arrived on the day we scheduled and the guys who brought it were super nice and very helpful. However, about 4 hours after having the fridge delivered and we started to put items in the fridge we discovered this shelf was missing.

We called Sears and they were more than willing to send us the shelf, which we were ecstatic about. A couple of days later a few boxes from Sears arrived and to our surprise. As we opened them we discovered they had sent every other shelf possible for our fridge except the one that was missing. We called Sears again and spoke with several people until we were handed off to a manager who said they would send the shelf, but it would take about a week; again not a huge problem. About two weeks later we got a note on our door after returning from a night out and it was letting us know they had left a package on our back porch, but to do so you have to throw it over a fence. Graeme walks out onto our back porch and opened up the box to find the correct shelf, but a broken shelf :( Needless to say this process was getting old and we wondered how long Sears was going to believe our stories.

Graeme ended up calling Sears asking for the same manager we spoke to the last time and explained the whole situation, while sending an e-mail with a photo of the broken shelf. The manager explained that the shelf was on back order and we would be receiving it in about 4 weeks. Ok, so by this time we have gotten around not having this shelf, but we both realized how nice it would be to have the extra space, but we are both patient, so obviously we were willing to wait 4 weeks (and like we really had a choice!).

So now that leads us to last week, our shelf arrives and we open the box, hopeful and excited to reorganize our kitchen (exciting I know!). We open the box and the shelf is...BROKEN! We just laugh, because this is just our luck and life right now.

We decide at this point that we had to just go into the Sears outlet and ask them for a shelf from one of their fridges on the floor. Upon arrival, we explain our situation and they are happy to help and give us a new shelf. They explain that these are the new shelves, because they are more sturdy and less likely to break. Hooray! Works for us! So we head home and go to put the shelf in and realize it is about 4 inches too long! So...we head back to the outlet and find a fridge that matches ours, take the shelf out, explain the situation to one of the employees and hand them the shelf that does not fit, and on our way we go.

Which leads us to the picture below :) 2 months later, about a dozen e-mails between Sears and us, and several UPS packages; we now have a shelf that fits perfectly and more room in our fridge than we could have ever hoped for!

Graeme and I have truly been on an adventure of a lifetime just these last 2 months and this was probably the less serious of our adventures, but it made us laugh a lot and I think showed us both that we are able to make the most of each situation! I think our last moments dealing with this situation made us laugh the most; the fact that this is probably a constant cycle in the Sears Outlet arena, because now their is a fridge that is missing a shelf that some poor customers are going to buy and get it home and realize that they are missing a shelf. Here is hoping though some nice Sears employee notices, replaces the shelf before it is purchased and taken home, and the cycle ends with us.

Word of advice if you are buying a fridge from any retailer...make sure all your shelves are there before you haul it away from the store or the delivery guys leave your place! Learn from us and save yourselves a 2 month mini headache! :)

A Sneak Peek

2011-07-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

It was an incredibly fun day with Aaron Young, felt more like we were goofing off than it did taking photos, but he happens to be that good. Looking forward to August even more now!

Adventures While I Was Sick

2011-06-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last time I had a fever, but I can tell you the most recent time I got one...two weeks ago. Graeme quickly got to experience the portion of "in sickness" when it came to our vows. He was incredible just in the most simple of ways, bringing me ice, making sure I was drinking tons of fluids, and making sure I was taking my antibiotic; he did this while all prepping for our train ride north to celebrate Father's Day and my Dad's birthday.

Below I documented our train ride adventure (and a big accomplishment for Graeme!), even with still not feeling 100% we made the most of it...

Getting settled in for the seven hour journey

Yay! Healthy enough to travel up North!

Oranges in Glendale

Strawberry fields in Oxnard

Middle of nowhere

Thank you lollies from Amtrak

Grae passed his first of two licenses tests! Woohoo!

Here's hoping we don't have to experience the "in sickness" part for a few more years. I am truly getting a chance to realize how sweet and yet very trying marriage can be. I am looking forward to having our wedding in August with our family and friends present, especially when Graeme and I share our vows that we have written for one another...they are going to be filled with so much more than they would have been in May, which I think will make them so much sweeter and meaningful.

Change of Heart

2011-05-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

So I had big plans to blog my last month of singlehood, but alas those plans got side lined for other plans of moving, preparing, and organizing my family to be together for what will be one of two wedding ceremonies for Graeme and I, and a list that goes on...

Over the years I have had some huge leaps in regards to changes of the heart. In my childhood and part of my teenage years I grew up believing my prince charming would come and I would be in love forever. Then my later teenage years through young adult I didn't really believe a good love existed for me. Everyone around me seemed to have found it or their version of it, but my "loves" seemed to miss the mark in my life.

Then I became single my sophomore year of college. I gave up someone I loved and took the risk of knowing I could be alone for the rest of my life. Throughout the six years of my singleness I had some great guys come along and refresh my memory that a good love could exist, but none that could persuade me to take that leap...to risk everything including the most exposed and slightly jaded parts of my heart.

Then along came Graeme.

He is different in every way possible and yet he was and is a good enough and loving enough man to push through my "rejection" of him and persuade me and pursue me to be his. Convincing me that his love was not wavering or judgmental; but a love that is a patient and kind, a love that would tell me the truth and the whole truth. A love that never gives up or walks away.

Tomorrow before God and the government I will sign away Giacomantonio and become Swift. The day has arrived where I take one of the biggest risks of my life and become one to another. While taking this risk and loving God I will learn to love Graeme more and better than I do currently. Tomorrow I will become his wife legally and in August we will get to celebrate again this risk we have taken and what a true celebration it will be!

Graeme David I love with you with all that God has given me. You are truly the best help mate I could have asked for and I am eternally grateful that you are the one I get to travel this crazy adventure with!

I Can't Stop Watching

2011-04-12T23:53:00.000-07:00

Something about this just moves me in such a way that I can't help but tear up inside...probably because I see so much of myself in it.

Blustery Day...

2011-03-20T18:44:00.000-07:00

This feels a bit like our house right now. Thank goodness we don't live in a tree though!

Hugs...

2011-03-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

H- Hope. It is the well spring of life, it gives us something to cling to and remind us that there is still good in this life and the situations we face on a daily basis.

U- Understanding of others. Each of us has a different path to walk, we cross each other's paths along the way and because of that it makes this journey of life so much more fun and possible to walk. We don't have to walk alone, but we take the time to step outside of ourselves and think of others; it creates this beautiful domino effect.

G- Grace. It's a gift to be given and there is truly something refreshing about it when we are the ones to receive it.

S- Strength. That no matter what this life may hand us we can get through. We are pretty incredibly made and what we can take on always astounds me. Like hearing about my friend whose husband of one year has been shipped off to the Middle East for another tour of duty, my great Aunt knocking at every health organization's door to provide a solution to her very sick husband, new parents being told that their newborn baby is going to life threatening issues throughout his whole life. Strength to make it through no matter what.

I'm missing Graeme right now. It really can be the littlest thing that triggers it. The reality that I think I haven't felt more alone than I do right now. God and my journal are probably the ones who know me the best at this moment. It's a season of transition and not really having a place to call my own. It takes me back to my freshman year of college and those monumental first few weeks...transitional weeks of a small town girl trying to figure out her way in a "big city" on a "big campus". Now it's still the small town girl trying to find her way in this "big world" walking into a new "big adventure".

So, if you happen to see me a hug is most welcome. It's a sweet reminder that everything is going to be ok.

The First Piece of Good News

2011-02-26T19:18:00.000-08:00

Approval comes in many forms...this was the highlight of my February...

This little letter holds what we like to call "approval" of your fiance visa application! My reaction is one for the record books (or so my roommate tells me). Graeme was the one to tell me which was the best way to find out.

He had been checking the government site for months now and on the night of our date night, he happened to check one more time. Approved had been filled in. We were approved! He called, didn't even wait for me to get on skype, he just called (and I love him for it). He told me he had news and I got three guesses. I thought about saying the approval of our application, but then again it was too soon. I had set myself up to be waiting another two more months for this approval (because it had already been extended another two months previously). I guessed it any ways, because I still had hope. I screamed (and startled my roommate in the process). Then I got up and walked to the kitchen still joyful, but silently cried at the same time. It was just a natural reaction to release what had been building up inside; finally to have some good news. Some reward to the waiting.

I have had a couple people ask me if we are doing marriage counseling and we have worked through a couple books and sought the council of some pastors; but can I just say that what Graeme and I are experiencing in these months is by far some of the best council that anyone could have leading towards marriage. The patience, communication, being better at arguing, listening, loving when you can't touch; they are incredible lessons to learn before entering into marriage.

Now, we wait for Graeme's interview to be able to receive his fiance visa, we wait to book his flight over, we wait to plan a wedding, we wait. But with one big milestone it doesn't feel like such a long wait after all.

I love you Graeme and I am here waiting and will continue to wait through whatever storm, government agency, flight delay God would have us go through. Here's to celebrating the rest of the approvals we need in order to be together again!

So Many Exciting Things to Share...

2011-02-24T22:32:00.000-08:00

and they will come...this weekend when I have tons of time to write!

How exciting a weekend to write, read, and watch a movie or two! Yay!

It's the simple things in life folks :) When you're waiting on the BIG stuff you learn to enjoy the smallest of pleasures.

Waiting on Approval

2011-02-01T22:02:00.000-08:00

I find the title appropriate for so many aspects of my life lately...waiting on approval from family and the choices I have made, waiting on approval from those I report up to at work that what I am doing is good enough and exactly what they were looking for, waiting on approval to marry the man I love. But really I think the first two are ones I am just going to have to let go and realize that who Heidi is and what she brings to the table is enough and it is good. My choices have been my choices and yes when I am was in high school, college, and now part of my adult life I have made some poor ones (but who hasn't!?). So whether my family approves or not I am making my own way in this life the best way I believe God has given me. The second, well all I can do is put my best foot forward each day and trust that what I bring to the table is enough whether I hear about it or not.

The last one I can't quite let go that easily. I am struggling with this one. I get that there are laws in place for certain reasons, but it is hard when it separates you from that one person who gets you more than any other person on this planet.

So about 3 weeks ago we got told that our early spring wedding was probably not going to take place because for whatever reason paperwork isn't moving as fast as they had hoped and it would and it would just be cutting it too close for Graeme to get here. It's like being told Christmas is on the 25th, but then oh wait we have to change it this year to February 25th for technical difficulties. Thankfully, after the tears had been wiped away and the ache of disappointment subsided, the date was able to move and all the vendors were able to work with the new date. But I still carry this disappoint with me.

I get asked periodically how I am doing (and I am so thankful that people care enough to ask), but to be able to answer honestly it's a lot and I also know it's a lot for people to take on. So I come up with a "fine...making lemonade of lemons" kind of statement and hope that is enough to have them nod and tell me how sorry they are and he'll be here soon response (which again...the fact that people even take the time to ask is wonderful in and of itself). Still makes me feel as though I am standing alone on dance floor as everyone has coupled up and has begun to dance to a song that I don't know, let alone the steps.

Because of this I am practicing my own dance...not caring who watches or thinks I am doing it wrong because it's my dance. My dance to hold me over till I get that approval that makes life just a tad bit sweeter.

Our First Pet

2011-01-27T19:06:00.000-08:00

Update: so Graeme decided to actually go celebrate with Buddy...went and took him his very first cupcake...he's the best :)

Below is Graeme and my first pet, a pet squid we named Buddy and today is his first birthday!

We ended up "finding" Buddy because when I was down in New Zealand last year I wanted to go view this colossal squid that was on display because it had been caught on my birthday while living there and I had found the whole story behind it so fascinating. So Graeme so kindly put up with me and went along for the adventure!

I don't really like squids, but seeing this one and learning a bit more about them was truly a fun and enlightening experince.

Anyways, all of that to say Happy Birthday Buddy! You have been a great pet squid!

Safe

2010-12-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

I think I am on a kick with lyrics lately...they just do a much better of job of expressing what it is that I want to, but can't.

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong he'll never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

~Safe; Phil Wickham

Tis the Season

2010-12-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

~Hallelujah; Susan Boyle

Road Map Through Life

2010-12-05T14:01:00.000-08:00

When talking with my friends about my life, I have always explained that I tend to look for others that have a similar story line going, because that way I will know how things turn out. Now obviously this is a silly way to go through life, because the reality is my life will never quite look like theirs. It will look like mine and therefore I am going to have to trust the steps that I take to be ones that propel me forward not backwards.

Lately, I am making a lot of forward steps, so much so that everything seems new, there is no familiarity, and there are no signs that anyone around me has walked this road to give me a glimmer of hope that was is to come is well worth it. I can talk a good game of change and like I have written here so many times, change can be such a great thing and like a breath of refresh air, but when it happens all it once, in every aspect of my life I can't help but get scared just a little.

I had a good conversation with God about this just this morning. It started off with me apologizing for not writing enough or investing in the relationship like I should, but I knew He understood, because I know that He knows me better than I do, and through this conversation of sorts I came to the conclusion that I get in the way of myself. I know who I am and who I was created to be, so rather than leaning into fear or the road maps of others I must lean into faith and the knowledge of who I am and who I have been created to be. As my life has continued on, I over the years, have been able to pin point my strengths and what I am gifted in, and now I have to start moving in those and walking in that hope that God has given me through them.

I read a lot and I write a lot and because of these two elements I love to know the ending. I think I apply the same perspective to my own life, I want to know how it ends, but for my life's aspect I think a part of that is propelled by fear. So rather than being propelled by fear I must be propelled by joy and learning to live better in the present moments I have been given rather than rushing through the "pages" to discover the ending.

I would have loved at around 15 for God to have given me a road map for where I was supposed to go and the choices I should make, but He loves me more than that. He loved me enough to let me fly and to ultimately have to make the day to day choice to trust Him and trust that I can make the good and sound choices of "right" or "left", staying in Southern California for the first year of marriage or moving to Portland (just an example) :)

This conversation with God won't end today though. I'm still scared, but I know His peace will surpass my fear and that will be enough to get through the next "right" or "left".

Writings to Come

2010-11-23T00:06:00.000-08:00

Loads going on in my little world, but I promise that there are stories and thoughts coming this...just have to make some room...

Wanderings of a Mind...

2010-11-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

My mind wanders a lot especially in seasons like this. I was so foolish as a child to think that growing pains only occurred between the ages of 11 and 15.

I tried to prepare myself for what wedding planning would be like ( I think all in all I cared more for what marriage planning would look like rather than wedding planning) and I knew it would look something like this, but I was truly hoping (at least the half glass full Heidi was) that it would be easier. Yes, the idea of getting married on a beach with 10 people around is the ideal in my head, but I also know that for my family and for Graeme and I this is a season to celebrate.

I wish I could explain it better, these intense feelings, thoughts, and emotions that are running through me, but I can't. I am at a loss for words. I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend and love and yet in part walking away from the only life I have ever known. There are still a lot of unknowns ahead and so that gives my mind plenty of room to wander...

If anything this has been a one solid comfort...something to fixate on as my mind wanders...

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or
arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable
or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the
truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,
endures all things." 1 Cor. 13: 4-7

Hope and Love two very powerful elements that I should remember to cling to a bit more tightly these days.

It Really is a Small World

2010-10-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

There really is no better way to put it than that. It is a small world.

So Graeme called me up the other night and told me this wild story, but before I share his story let me explain my portion of the story.

When Kristin and I moved to New Zealand in 2006 it took some work getting us there and even figuring out where were were going to live. By choices made in life I had made friends with one of the staff members at Vanguard named Amber, who had a sister who married a Kiwi and was currently living down there. So she gave me Jen's information and Jen and I emailed a bit back and forth. Our e-mails consisted of her telling me about parts of New Zealand and which cities she said would be best to be based out of. She was however partial to Wellington (which is where her and her husband were living). After a few more e-mail exchanges and discussing it with Kristin we decided Wellington was going to be the best fit.

Jen and I, I should mention have never met. She and her husband moved over to Asia right before or after Kristin and I got there and then when she and her husband would come back to New Zealand to visit it was always around the time a time that I was away or traveling.

Because of Jen, I ended up getting connected with a woman named Kellee, who connected me with our soon to be flat mates, who connected me with Arise, where it so happened that I met Graeme.

Now, back to Graeme's story. He was at church sitting on his own and midway through service at some point after finishing a song, the woman next to him leaned over and told him he had a nice singing voice. He said thank you and commented on her American accent. They got into a conversation about he was marrying an American and moving to the states. California to be exact. She said she was from California and he asked what part. She said Costa Mesa. He told her he was moving to Costa Mesa! Come to find out he was sitting next to Jen! The woman that had encouraged my choice of moving to Wellington, the simple act that allowed me to meet some incredible people, one of whom is about to become my husband. In their conversation they were able to make the connections that I was the girl that she had helped out a few years back. And here they sat, two strangers connected by some girl back in California.

It was a big deal to Graeme, but it was an even bigger deal to me. I know these things happen, but they don't happen everyday. It was as though my past and future were colliding and I couldn't be there to witness it.

Jen, I know you will probably never read this. But thank you for your simple act as a stranger. Your simple kindness has truly changed my life for the better.

Can't Sleep...

2010-10-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

So the nights when I can't sleep (we'll use tonight as an example) I pull out one of my favorite childhood classics and somehow it has this calming effect and I go straight to sleep. Whether it was because my Mum read to me almost every night when I was a child or just the very act of reading and having to focus on something helps my mind slow down, I am not sure. I have to say though, I find this to be a much better route than counting sheep :)

Goodnight...

The Hand of God

2010-10-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

God will never cease to amaze in how He chooses to operate and work. I had someone that I loved very much on my heart about a month ago and I decided to write them a letter I would never send. So in fact it was more of a prayer written in a letter fashion and I just discovered tonight that five days after writing it, each of my specific prayers were being answered in this person's life.

God is big. He is much bigger than I give Him credit for...the credit and honor He deserves. He gets my attention and ultimately demands it in great times of need. No matter how stubborn I may be at certain moments it is that kind of authority that I can not deny to pay attention to.

I am still amazed when I read over my words and my dear one's words. When we truly love I find that God enters in with such a force and such a rush that you can not helped but be knocked down a bit. Now, if I could only do this with all of my relationships. Something to work on. Something to make room for in my life.

This was a sweet reminder as I walk into a season of great uncertainty that God knows. He will place me on people's hearts who may perhaps spend everyday with me or those who haven't seen me in years. I know He has it covered and I trust Him with that covering.

We Get What We Ask For

2010-09-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

Graeme is gone.

The reality of that is starting to truly sink in 24 hours later. Now he isn't gone forever, just gone until the federal government says he is allowed back in. Here is hoping that is sometime before March 27...our planned wedding date.

Most of my friends look at our story and then look at me and smile with this cheshire cat grin and slyly remind me that over the past 6 or 7 years I have been patiently waiting and in that waiting asking God for a crazy story. Asking God for a love story that would not only shape my life but the lives around me. This is exactly our story. Not only are Graeme and I being shaped by this path we are having to walk, but so are those closest to us.

I think it is safe to say that we have both been left in a state of awe for how much support and encouragement we are being given as we walk into these next 5 months or more apart and for that I will be eternally grateful. With this time I also believe we both have been handed a gift. He gets a chance to really soak in time at home with family and friends...his home...his country. I get time with the women and people who have made a great impact on my life; significantly those who have stood beside me these last 5 years. The pain of being apart of course will be great, but it just makes the reunion that much sweeter.

I asked for a crazy story and crazy is what I am getting. With crazy comes a cost, but the rewards to me far outweigh the cost.

Surprise...surprise...surprise...

2010-08-16T00:52:00.000-07:00

I am not even sure to begin, so maybe I should start where most stories do...at the beginning...I chose love and in choosing love I fell in love.

Graeme David Swift was a boy who didn't exist in my mind 4 years ago and now he has taken this predominant place in my life. He has asked me to be his wife and I have said yes! This is the story of how he pulled off the most amazing surprise.

Graeme started writing me very specific letters about 2 months ago. Each with their own words of affirmation, things he saw in me that he felt drew me to him, moments that had made him fall in love with me. Each Friday one of my coworkers and I would make the trek to the post office and open that PO Box with such great delight to find a Laura Ashley stationery letter waiting there just for me. They were 8 fantastic Friday's. Until the 9th Friday came and no letter. Graeme said he was sorry, but he mailed this one a bit late and it would arrive shortly. So Monday came and went, Tuesday came and went, Wednesday came and went...by this point I just decided to wait for a few days before going back...so I stayed busy. Another Monday came and went and by this point Graeme was at a conference and super busy, so I knew there was no real chance of getting to talk to him and see possibly where this letter went missing...my guess was it was somewhere in the Pacific ocean ;)

Tuesday was a super busy day and I never made it to the post office, which made me hopeful for Wednesday. I woke up that morning a little bit behind schedule...I just couldn't seem to get out the door and I kept second guessing my choices, but by the time I left the house I had cleaned it up a bit, showered, had breakfast, and was ready to start my day of work. Mind you also, I had plans to go to a sweet lunch with my boss and play "hooky" the rest of the day with her, so it only added to the excitement of my day.

Work was crazy and I was busy most of the morning and at around 12:30 my boss comes to find me (as I was away from my desk) and she puts her arm through mine (which seems odd) and says she needs to show me something and then as we approach our aisle of cubes she says, "your friend is here". And there stands my roommate in my cube with a change of clothes, a letter, and a sly smile on her face...I go white. I know exactly what she is doing here and I can't believe today is the day. The sneaky girl! We had just talked last night...we had made plans this weekend...a girly weekend...and here she stands with that letter! As she hands me the letter she explains that I need to change and that we are headed to where Graeme is waiting. I start to go into shock. So I open the letter. I read the words on the page and I begin to cry silently. I still can't believe today is the day and I can't believe he is here. He is somewhere close, waiting for me.

So through all the chaos of my department finding out today was the day (a bet was going on when he would show up) I get changed and Sarah and I leave. As we walk to the car she explains that she is going to drive around for a bit, because there is another surprise waiting in the car. As I open the passenger door there sits a hard bound book with pictures of Graeme and I on it. As I begin to read I realize it is a book filled with all the things he has come to know and love about me. The little things that make up me. We, over the years have exchanged hundreds if not thousands of emails and in these emails we have a question section and he had taken many of my responses to these questions and placed them in a creative manner into this book. He captured a piece of us and it was classic. The last page said..."I have one more question to ask you..." and I turned the page and there was the large word "soon" typed out. It has been his typical response the last few months whenever I asked him if he was coming. All I would ever get was the response, "soon". I hated the word soon. Today, I could not have been more happy to see it.

Sarah had been watching me read through the book and at some point headed for the direction of where Graeme was hiding out. When I realized the direction she was headed in I knew where he was. It was a park that he and I had walked to his second night here on his first trip out. We had talked for probably 4 or 5 hours on the swings, just catching a tangible glimpse of who each other was. He didn't know this at the time of the proposal, but it was probably the last place that I was unsure of how I felt for this guy, so it was fitting that it would be the place he asks me and I am so sure.

When we arrive Sarah pulls up and I get out of the car. Graeme is already walking toward me and I can't believe it is actually him, when this whole time he was supposed to be at conference! We hug for what seems to be ages and he takes my hand and walks me to the swing set. He sits me down and gets down on one knee. He says a lot of wonderful things that I don't remember, but because he knows me so well he wrote them down, so I would be able to look back on what he said! And then he asked me to marry him, which of course I said yes!

I can't believe it is him. I can't believe my travels through puppy love, infatuation love, to a true choice of love has lead me to this spot in life with this incredible man. When I get asked if he is my dream guy I say no, because he is far better. My dream guy to be honest didn't have much of personality...he was pretty flat and unrealistic. Graeme meets me where I am at. When I am having a rough day and trying to explain myself it seems as though he is already on the other end of my explanation just waiting to be present however I might need him. He has already made an incredible best friend and is going to make an incredible partner in this life.

Off on our first "official" dress up kind of date! All in all it made for a pretty sweet and memorable Wednesday!

Living in a Season Filled with Love

2010-08-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

I started my new year on Orange Ave and here I sit 7 months later in my new home just a few blocks from where the "party" began, filled with so much anticipation for what the next 7 months hold.

My start to 2010 brought 2 weeks of house sitting with one of the largest dogs I have ever seen in my entire life. An adventure to spend some time with the boy and friends down in New Zealand. A move away from a house I truly enjoyed living in for 2 years. A move to a place that reminded me of home. 3 different bosses. 1 childhood friend's wedding. 1 college friend's wedding. Now back to the place I started my Southern California journey 8 years ago.

Having had some time to process all of these mini adventures packed into a short 7 months, I can only imagine what the next 7 months will hold. But I know it will be filled with loads of love, more piano playing (as seen below), great meals with wonderful friends, and a few surprises along the way I am sure.

The Sweeter Side of Life

2010-07-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

So much to say and so many thoughts running through my head...now if I could only clear some space up there to actually write something worth reading...

Hello Blog

2010-07-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I just wanted to let you know I am sorry for not making the time or space for you these past few weeks.

With moving, marriages, and a visit from Mum writing has taken a bit of a back seat.

I promise it isn't forever, but maybe just a few more days...a week tops. I promise.

Thanks for understanding blog I really appreciate it.

Talk to you soon!

Your Favorite Writer
(HNG)

A Sweet Reflection

2010-07-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

"'He will sit like a refiner of silver...' "
Malachi 3:3 NLT

Are you in the refiner's fire today? If you are, don't rebel or try to run away, just sit still and let the refiner do His work. The Bible says: 'He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross. He will purify [them], refining them like gold and silver, so that they may once again offer acceptable sacrifices to the Lord.' (Malachi 3:3 NLT) A woman who read this verse at a Bible study wanted to know how it related to her walk with God, so she made an appointment with the silversmith.

Without mentioning anything other than a general interest in the process, she sat and observed him work. She watched as he held the silver over the fire, explaining that in order to burn away every impurity he had to keep it in the middle where it was hottest. She asked him if he usually sat in front of the fire the entire time. 'Yes,' he replied, 'not only do I have to hold it, I must watch it. If I leave it there too long it will be destroyed.' After thinking about that for a while she asked, 'How do you know when the process is complete?' Smiling, he replied, 'That's easy; I see my face reflected in it.'

If you're in the refiner's fire today, remember: (a) He knows what He's doing, so trust Him (b) He won't allow you to be destroyed by the circumstances, or take His eye off you (c) when the process is complete, you'll be more like Jesus and less like your old self. Isn't that what you want? Isn't that what you've prayed for?

*Courtesy of twft devotions

Dedicated to the New Things of Life

2010-06-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow brings with it the start of so many wonderful things. Regardless of the answers, they will be answers. Answers that give life to different avenues. Different avenues within my life. Tomorrow marks my first real official day in my new residency, a cute 1920s farmhouse. Tomorrow starts a new journey with an old friend. Tomorrow is a new day and a new month. Tomorrow is going to be a sweet day; regardless.

Forever Yet Not So Happily Ever

2010-06-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

I can remember roughly two years ago life just felt like one big adjustment after the other. Living in a community I had once lived in before, but now more as an adult, responsible for her comings and goings. There were great adventures beginning, but also a heart that still felt a bit broken and a job I felt completely lost in. It was an interesting time in life and now as I look back I can truly see how much distance I have made from such adjustments.

I have a friend that I made over a year and a half ago at a St. Patrick's day party that is someone I look to as a great confidant in this life. She was someone that I wasn't necessarily "supposed" to become friends with, but I think it was our energy for life that allowed us to connect the way we did. For me also, it was her enthusiasm for the day to day. The love she carries for her family. Her desire for great adventures and for a great love. She is a person that I hope to glean from this whole life through, but lately she has been in a season like I was two years ago.

There is a lot of pain, a lot of tears, and a lot of unknown. Within a period of a week she was let go of (I hate the term dumped, because with their situation it was a bit more complicated) and she was released from her teaching duties for next year's school year. I think for her right now the job loss was a shock but for the last year has been talking about seeking out other options career wise, even the possibility of moving out of the country. It has been her grief in "losing" this guy that has struck a cord within me. The hurt that is now forever going to be a part of her. Yes, she will one day allow someone in and that someone will ask for her hand in marriage, but it has been these little "incidental" griefs that she never expected (really when do we ever expect them), but often happen, that will forever be with her and will shape and create her to become more of the woman she is. This is a part of her forever and maybe not the happiest part of her forever, but a part of it.

I am an encourager by nature, but this area in particular. I have known great love and not such great love. I have known pain and grief so much so that I had hoped life would just end as I stayed crawled up in my bed for days on end it seemed. But new days come and we bounce back in a way that I think is truly amazing to the human heart and soul. She is truly someone that I love dearly and hope this season passes quickly for her; because I know for someone like her, living life this way just limits what the world can be offered through her and she has so much offer. So to you my friend, I will keep reminding you that I am right here, bring you hydration for those long days in bed, and remind you that new days do come even if you have lost the belief in that.

The Distance

2010-06-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time you're comin' back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin your name

But I can't take the distance

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm callin' your name

I brave fire and I brave rain
To be by your side I'd do anything
I can't take the distance

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That's how much you mean to me

'Cause I can't take the distance
I can't take these miles
I can't take the time until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That with every breath I take I'm calling your name
I can't take the distance

It's hard to remember
As long as you're away
When I find solace
There's only one way

~Evan and Jaron

Library View

2010-06-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

I found this corner of the library when I went exploring around sometime back in college. It is an open space with a couple of chairs and power outlets (always helpful when your computer is about to die), but most of all it has windows that look out towards the ocean. Now I didn't get a great shot, but you can see the trees and just beyond the trees is the ocean.

I love coming to this spot. It helps me relax and is situated in an environment that helps me focus, which was my whole intention today, to focus. I took my laptop, some great tunes from the boy, and situated myself in my little corner overlooking the trees and ocean and just wrote. Maybe not my greatest work, but I made the time and space to do it. I haven't picked up my writing like this in months and I felt so out of practice but as the minutes turned into hours it came back to me. What I like about what I am currently writing is that I can just "wing it" in this draft section. Write whatever comes to my mind and put it down. It will be later on when I go through and dissect and fix details and errors.

I hate that I haven't made any time for this in my life, but hopefully that is all about change. Because this library is situated quite closely to where I will be moving in the next few weeks and to top it off they are open till 9pm on weeknights! It was all rather exciting information for me to discover today.

So there you have it, a glimpse of my beautiful day full of writing, views, old books, and the contentedness to not be rushing off. I adore these days...

It's Official

2010-06-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

My Esty site is up!

Now it may not be the most perfect shop out there, but hey, at least it is a start right? Starting small and we will see where we go from here. Exciting times ahead for sure...

Kayli's Getting Married and This is Her Bridal Shower!

2010-05-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

So, one of my best friend's from college is taking the plunge after 5 years of dating. They are now to become Husband and Wife and we as their friends we could not be happy for them...the BIG event takes place next month, but for now enjoy a glimpse of the bridal shower!

L-O-V-E

2010-05-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

May 24th, 2010

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
Scared of love, but scared of life alone
Seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

Just when you think that love will never find you
You run away but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that we can't control

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again.

~Lady Antebellum...Ready to Love Again

Our Not So Traditional Date Nights

2010-05-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

May 6th, 2010

Most people go to the movies or out to dinner with their significant other. You get to take pictures (sometimes) to remember the event. So I thought why not take a photo of our own date nights! Alas, it doesn't quite have the same fond memories, but at least we will be able to look back on them/it and be thankful for when we finally are together...

Looking Back at My Roots

2010-05-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

April 29th, 2010

Whether it has been conversations at work, talking with friends, or Grae, I can't really pin point what has been making me think about my extended family and our history so much, but lately I have found where I come from to be so fascinating. On my Dad's side I am the second generation from a family that came from Italy. It makes me wonder that if a great grandparent had made another choice and decided to not move to America I probably wouldn't be here. My Mum's side comes from the South and originally from France.

In the picture below I am holding each set of grandparents wedding photos. I love looking at them just for the fact that they didn't get married in the same decade so their weddings have a true different time essence to them. I love looking at them and wondering what all of them were like and how we would have interacted had all of them been alive in my adult years.

Out of the photos I only have the grandfather on the right in my life today. He is getting older and has remarried so the topic of my grandmother doesn't come up very much, if any, but every now and again I will ask him questions and I love the responses...mainly that he thinks she and I would have been great friends.

I think we would have too.

It is in these years of my life where I miss them so much and have discovered a true appreciation for them and their stories in this life.

Devoted to a Year Come and Gone

2010-05-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

April 24th, 2010

As Graeme and I approach a year of long distance being together I keep getting the questions of, "How do you make it work?" or "Don't you just want to go insane because of the distance? I know I did after being away from *so and so*." And my answers pretty much sum into one. It is in no way easy, but we make it work because we both have discovered that sometimes the best things in life are worth fighting for and waiting for.

There probably isn't a day that goes by that I don't think, "gosh I wish my boyfriend lived in the same state as me." but the reality is that he doesn't and as of right now there is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is be the best when communicating when I have the chance, being completely present when we get the chance to skype once a week, and make the effort to do small things that remind him that I care, and that I will still be here as we sort our visas and moves and everything else that goes into falling for someone that isn't from here. :)

He is so much more than what I have expected a man to be in my life and yes our relationship may look different than most, but I am devoted to making it work whether we are apart or together.

For the Love of a Friend

2010-04-15T21:36:00.001-07:00

For the love of a friend I got creative and decided to hand make bridal shower invitations. Totally worth the final product, maybe not so worth the 12 hours spent on making 50! Here's to you Kayli! Can't wait to celebrate the start of your new adventure with Ryan!!

Bright and Shiny

2010-04-12T22:02:00.001-07:00

My roommate and I were discussing how we so desperately wish life could just be bright and shiny, but that just isn't the case. We have jobs that hand us rough days, family that we disagree with, cars that break down, taxes to pay; life just gets in the way sometimes of things being "bright and shiny".

But then you have days like today where you have a great day at work, had some extra time to try a new recipe and make an incredible dinner for the roommate and you, and even get to see a movie (I still feel like a rebel sometimes when I get to see movies in the middle of the week like I am a school kid who is ditching her homework for some fun). These bright and shiny days make the other days just a little bit easier to handle. Here's hoping you get to experience a few more bright and shiny days and a few less of the other days...

New Beginnings

2010-04-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

I don't often find myself to be a crafty person, but I am traveling down a new and uncharted territory...so hopefully I am going to start selling my photo cards on Etsy...so when it is up and running I will make sure to let you know and you can see my "crafty" work at its best. :)

Sacrifice

2010-03-30T21:50:00.001-07:00

Life is in part about sacrifices as I am discovering. I am discovering the sacrifices my parents have made for me in order to have the kind of life that I have had. I am discovering certain sacrifices I am going to have to make for my future. There is a true beauty that comes from them as well as a certain level of pain.

A funny part of my story is that I always wanted to find love; someone to share my life with. I think somewhere between finishing college and leaving New Zealand I gave up on that notion. And not that I necessarily gave up on it all together, but for a season. I had come to a better understanding of who I was and what I wanted and I wasn't willing to settle for less.

Then in walks this great guy who is real and exceeds anything I could have possibly dreamed of. He may be 10,000 miles away, in a different time zone, and country; but he is worth all the sacrifices I could possibly store up. He is teaching me what it means to give selflessly and without anything in return. He is teaching me that love is about actions and not words. He is teaching me that love is sacrificial and the best kind of sacrifice anyone could make.

Awaken

2010-03-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing
I'm not really living
I'm only watching the time slip away
I've forgotten who I am in you
I'm not who I'm meant to be
I'm drifting farther away from my destiny
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, lord
Awaken me
My soul is longing, my heart is searching
I'm desperate for you to move
Give me a hunger, pull me closer
I'm crying out to you
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, lord
Open my eyes so I can see your presence
Dwelling inside
Wake me up, cause I can't live another minute
if I'm not shining your light
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken the passion in me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me

~Natalie Grant

Hello Hollywood!

2010-03-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

So this years birthday celebration was delayed a bit (about a month to be exact). So several of my good friends and I decided to wake up early one Sunday morning and head up to Hollywood to watch Alice in Wonderland at the El Capitan. Only to our great amusement did we pick the Sunday of the LA marathon! Which it turned out to be SO much fun watching thousands upon thousands run the 26 mile trek from Dodger Stadium to the Santa Monica Pier.

Christian, Emily, and I enjoying the early hour :)

Vince displaying the route of the LA marathon. We happened to be standing at mile 11.

She was my favorite! She was passing out Gatorade to the runners.

Amy and I.

The streets were lined with cups! As we were getting out the movie the marathon was over and the street sweepers were out and about washing down all the gatorade and sweeping up all the remaining trash.

And for fun we went to see if the Kodak Theater had put up 2010's Best Picture (and low and behold they had! Barely visible I know, but it was the best shot I could get)

Hope you enjoyed my little birthday adventure!

I Can Do Bad All By Myself

2010-03-18T20:31:00.001-07:00

I enjoy Tyler Perry and his films. The title strikes me because it is so true of how I can be through this life (at least this far). The film itself was one of Perry's best (at least in my opinion). It gives a great stage for showing how we can allow our baggage claim who we are, but even in that season a certain level of grace is extended like any other.

Between a Rock and a Growing Place

2010-03-16T19:10:00.001-07:00

I feel a bit broken and I was hoping that I would never feel this way again, but here I am, heart in my hands wondering how did I let this happen?

I love my family very much (great sentence to start with after that opener, aye?). It is true though, I love them more than words will ever be able to express, but they above any other in this world have the power to crush me in an unexplainable way.

I had great intentions of going home this weekend to celebrate my wonderful Mum's birthday only to be sidelined with criticism, tension, and pain. My entire extended family as a whole has been really beat up this past year with certain set backs, hospital visits, a struggling economy; from aunts, to uncles, to grandpas it seems as though everyone has taken a hit and so I know that some of this tension stems from things in this life that we have no control over. Yet, I also know it comes from choices we make, attitudes we choose to carry, pride that we can not set aside.

I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. I am at fault for being critical and bitter; for not praising or encouraging my family where I should. I guess my angst comes from the idea that I viewed my family to be "perfect" and I treated them as such, but the reality is just like me they too are not perfect. Each and every one of them has their own story, their own grievances, things that make them tick and we as a family don't really know all these ends and outs and therefore have a way of hurting each other so deeply because of it.

This situational season will pass and I will gain ultimately a bit more strength because of it, but the ache that it leaves within me is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

Bringing in Space

2010-03-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

I live a life that propels me in many different directions all at once. At least I did. Now in this current state of the simple life I have room to think and I am not entirely sure I like what I am thinking.

I am doubting my dreams. I am settling into a place that is half of who I am. I was created for more or at least created to give more and be more than what I am dishing out to the world.

I don't know if I like "space" all that much. Maybe it would be better to go back to my 24/7 constant constant, ever so constant life.

Then again maybe not.

Maybe I need this space more than I realize and facing all of this head on is going to help me establish what my true dreams are and what it is I am supposed to be pouring out into the world while I am here.

Love, Save the Empty

2010-02-25T22:34:00.001-08:00

The

Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn't teach me.
Little boys don't know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn't show me.

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.

Again, the false attention.
Again, you're breaking inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, save me.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty.

Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we're fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.

Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty, and save me.
And save me.

*Erin McCarley

It really is the tune that has caught my attention and as I read through the lyrics they break my heart, because it is a real good representation of my earlier years in life; but it also reminds me of how thankful I am to know what true love is and where it truly comes from.

A Journey of a Different Color

2010-02-24T18:06:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been having this notion that my life has been a bit colorless lately. It's not that I don't have things going on that make my world not colorful, because after the start to this year and the few blogs I have already shared, it sure has been a "colorful" start to the year.

I think ultimately what I am gauging at is, inside. To the outside world I am doing my best to exude colors, but on the inside I feel rather grey. Maybe it has to do with work and the growing discouragement I feel mounting there. Or maybe it has to deal with my recent isolated life that I am having to live out right now. I am seeking God with all that I have and pouring everything that I am before Him. Sharing my fears and my unbelief. It is my unbelief that I hate revealing before God...ie..."are you truly going to come through like you have promised you would?" But who I am to even ask such a thing? But like I said, above most things this is the one topic that I try and "hide" from God because of the true foolishness behind the whole concept.

Regardless of it all...this is my journey (hence the title of the blog:)) be it grey, magenta, aqua, black, yellow...this is it and maybe this section of the journey is all about the cultivation of a new kind of color.

Breathing Room

2010-02-21T22:39:00.001-08:00

Finally in the midst of a crazy start to 2010 I feel as though I have found some breathing space of my own. For sure I was able to find some in New Zealand, but I knew the time there was limited so to be able to find space here at home, I am grateful. With having the move, a work trip, my Grandpa being hospitalized just to name a few things it is nice to have this down time and to really grasp what I have been walking through and to be able to come to some sort of peaceful place before moving on to whatever else 2010 has to throw at me.

I think like so many I was expecting 2010 to have a much cleaner start than 2009, but as I have referenced it to a friend I believe this to be a fire and favor year. In order to really have a grasp of what favor is you must first walk through the fire and go through a refinement process. Yes it may be painful, but I like to think through this process I am never truly burnt just heated until a certain level of perfection. True examples being Daniel who was thrown in the lions den who was not devoured or Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego who were thrown into the furnace and not burnt or even singed. So for now, I take in this space and the time it allows me to just be, as I let the old fade away and gain a better more grateful heart for what I have been given.

New Neighborhood

2010-02-15T19:54:00.001-08:00

So it is official I am in the new place and getting used to my "new" yet somewhat familar surroundings. Ladera is a lot like Irvine; however it is more situated up against the hills which provide a great place to explore as I took the time yesterday to do (a much needed break from all the unpacking!).

I have to say these Ladera/Irvineish neighborhoods make me laugh a little bit because any time I go for a walk I can't help but think of movies like Pleasantville where life and the atmosphere surrounding these neightborhoods is one that gives off the idea of perfection. Always a bit strange and funny to me, but here I am. Home for the next 6 months.

Embracing the Unknown

2010-02-11T09:00:00.001-08:00

Let me just start by saying that I had a great plan for when I got home from New Zealand. It was to sleep and not think. To sleep as long as my body possibly needed and to shut out the world for a few days and recharge my battery. Needless to say I got part of my wish; I got one solid night of sleep as well as getting to shut out the world while I attempted to make sense of the fact that I had to move out of what had been my home the last two years in just under a week.

Through circumstances unpreventable to my roommate and I we had to be out by March 1st. Did I mention I got this news 4 hours after landing? In my head I had to act fast, because I knew it was the goal to truly be out of the house before March 1st. Within 24 hours a girlfriend of mine and I had a place. She was struggling at her current place and is planning a wedding for August, so when we came together we decided to move into a place that her and her fiance will be calling home, which in turn means another move for me (but that is not what this entry is about...lets just take it one move at a time :)).

So over the last week I pretty much left my New Zealand bags packed, and starting grabbing boxes from work, friends, and packing up my little world. I knew 2010 was going to hold a lot of change, but I don't think my brain was in the place to start right away, but isn't that how life works sometimes? We aren't entirely ready but we get pushed out there and just have to jump and hope for the best?

I think towards the end of last year I started to question where I was standing, where I was going, and what tangible things really needed to change in my life. If this had been my choice I would have eased into it, like when you get into a spa, you don't just jump right in, you ease your way in. I like to think about things, then plan, then execute. But this is my year to just jump right in and embrace the unknown all while yelling "come on in the waters fine" :) The great thing about it all is that I know I am not alone. I have a God who has stood by me and provided in ways that I didn't even know how to ask for provision. I have great, loyal, and funny friends who are willing to jump right in the water with me and wade through whatever may come next, because believe me I know there is more to come.

I challenged God many nights ago in a courtyard looking up at the stars that I did not want to live a "cookie cutter" life and in some ways I wish I could take it back. "Cookie cutter" is safe, secure, and has a certain level of consistency that I crave. But He didn't listen and in other ways I am glad He didn't. My life is very much its own level of "cookie cutterness" to keep me sane, but it is moments and seasons like this that remind me I am very much apart of this life and I have a purpose and I need to wake up and embrace it or else I am going to have woken up and life will have just passed me by.

Welcome to my home for the next 6 months :)

The Great Goodbye

2010-02-03T21:41:00.001-08:00

This is going to hurt and that just down right bites.

Sunnier Days

2010-01-28T20:28:00.001-08:00

Who would have thought you and me?
Placing one an one together
I was coaxing a broken and wounded heart
Never really taking the time to look up
My eyes captured all the sights and sounds
But never truly saw the life behind those eyes
Those deep blue ever so capturing eyes
You saw me for me
And that was all I ever wanted
Yet I walked away without a care to my name
But you didn't let me go
You fought long and hard for your chance
So who would have thought you and me?
Because we both know it wasn't me :)
But I want you to know...
I see you for who you truly are
I am no longer blinded by the wounds or the scars
No longer fearful of the pain this could cause
I see you standing before me
And I now think who couldn't imagine you and me

Welcome to Reality

2010-01-25T18:23:00.001-08:00

Being back in New Zealand I tend to do this whole flash back thing when Kristin and I were living here. I go back to memories we made, the lives that we had here, the friendships that we cultivated. And now I as I sit here two (going on three) years removed I realized this place helped me grow up.

My Mum specifically likes to tease me about my love of the "Peter Pan" story and how her Heidi girl just never wanted to grow up. She would give you examples throughout my whole life on how I tried to delay the growing up process. We can laugh about it now, but through each of those "lets not grow up moments" I always struggled and wrestled with the idea of what it meant to grow up. This place forced me to adapt in ways I never had to before and in an environment unfamiliar to me, with my main support system being thousands of miles away, and truly even if I did try and reach out there would have been nothing they could have done to assist me in the process.

But now having been back in the states I think I transferred the attitude that I had here in New Zealand to life at home. Take chances. Yes, it may be a risk and it may hurt, but then again it could totally be worth it. Learn to say yes to new things and random adventures rather than always living by the book. Take ahold of your responsibilities and follow through with them with a certain level of joy rather than passiveness.

I still get a kick out of my year in New Zealand because I realize that many don't get opportunities like that. Not many get the chance to start their "grown up" adventure, whatever that may look like, living in a culture quite different to their own. New Zealand was a great playground of sorts, but it was also my own unique way of waking up to reality and realizing that growing up was inevitable and I could either fight it or learn to enjoy the process. Coming back here reminds me of this, so with it comes some sadness to know I am even farther along in this journey, but also a greater anticipation of what is to come.

Sunshine and Cloudy Days

2010-01-20T14:14:00.001-08:00

I love being able to say I don't have an agenda. I think often my planner runs me...which I am not the biggest fan of, but it helps me stay on track and not go crazy with my often crazy life.

This place doesn't call for that. Hang outs happen with people without having to book it weeks out, coffee dates can happen mid day, life just seems to be slower here no matter the weather, the season, or just time of day.

I take great joy in the fact that I get to come to this place. Adventure around and meet new people all while reconnecting with the old. Its as though I felt stale and weary and walking right off that plane into people's arms I loved it was like a fresh breath of air all while being handed the best tasting glass of water.

New Zealand is incredible. You should come for a visit!

Like Coming Home

2010-01-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

Being back in New Zealand truly has felt like a coming home in a way. I was not entirely sure it would be this way but it has with so much more attached to it.

My first two days were filled with rain and wind, just like when Kristin and I first arrived to Wellington. In the last 48 hours it has been a whirl wind of reunions with friends (new and old) and just getting time to spend with Grae. Each moment has been filled with a certain level of sweetness and moments where it feels as though I never left or I just went on a real long holiday.

There have been certain things that made me a bit nervous, like making sure I caught the right bus to the right place (so far so good!) and just being open to whatever might come my way...including making friends with strangers!

I think it is in my nature to make friends with people I don't know...to hear their stories and catch a glimpse of who they are. I had the chance to meet John Williams, as I sat in the sun along Wellington's harbor. He used to own the 2nd largest bus and car distribution in New Zealand. He is older now and retired, living life with his wife on Oriental Parade, and about to go on a lovely Mediterranean cruise in April. It is moments like these that make me miss New Zealand...a certain level in people that are willing to share and be open and honest with someone they don't know. Whether it is just me or just being in this place I don't really know, all I know is that I have missed it and it is wonderful to be back.

Divided Heart

2010-01-09T17:17:00.001-08:00

As I am approaching my trip to New Zealand I can't help but in some ways feel divided. I think it comes down to the fact that there is so much change that is taking place in my life here and I know with this impending trip only more change will added to it.

Also, the fact is that someone I love very dearly is moving out of state the day I jump on a plane and travel half way around the world to others that I love dearly. I know I am entitled to have all these thoughts and emotions stored up, but I think it is the fact that I feel as though I can't be completely present in one particular place...I am divided. I know in time I will sort through it and figure it out, but it's an entirely new phase with so many more unknowns attached to it.

The Approaching Desert

2010-01-06T21:39:00.001-08:00

I had the chance to take a lovely walk with a friend the other night. And on this walk we discussed bits of our lives as they are now, love how well receive it and don't receive it, and where we are standing with God at the moment. Through our conversation about the latter I explained that about 4 or 5 months ago I sensed I would be walking through a rather dry season in my life, but I sensed a difference to all the other dry seasons I had walked before.

I had a complete understanding that God would be walking along side me and would not be leaving me, but it would be as though we were walking in silence. I don't know how many of you have ever walked these kinds of seasons where you feel alone, weighted down, and no real sense of direction. I think I come across it at least once or year or every other year where it truly settles into my life.

As my friend and I made our way to sit by the ocean we decided to fight through the apathy that had somewhat smothered us and give God what little we had. As we prayed for one another and encouraged each other in where we were both standing as individuals I got this true sense that I am really starting to learn things, take them to heart, and applying them to my life. It truly is an exceptional feeling when lessons start to sink in and I finally take hold of what I am supposed to.

What a Way to Start a New Decade

2010-01-02T19:51:00.001-08:00

*Photo courtesy of E.R.

It was a wonderful evening spent with dear friends and a great way to ring in the new decade. I know this decade is going to look far different than the two I have already traveled through, but I am looking forward to what is ahead!

Happy 2010!

May it be a year and a decade filled with far more than you could have ever hoped, imagined, or prayed for!

Blessings and Love,
HN

Tis the Season...

2009-12-20T22:35:00.000-08:00

To give away.

I often forget or I grow complacent of where I live and how much I have been given.

I grew up in a family that didn't necessarily give away things to every homeless person or person in need we met, but I did grow up with the outlook of we have so much, so keep your eyes open and a sense of where you can be used to fill someones tangible need.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I was taking a friend home from a cookie party we has just gone to. When we arrived at her house and as we walked in her husband began to explain that there was a homeless girl who was planning on sleeping in their apartments car-park. Now in Orange County, especially Irvine, you don't see many homeless people; there are reasons for that, but I won't get into it on this entry. As I walked outside, I saw her huddled up between the corner and the wall trying to escape the wind. I walked back inside had the husband look up the closest homeless shelter within walking distance and walked back out to my car to grab the tin of cookies I had just received from the exchange. I grabbed the tin, the piece of paper with the shelter information, and a bottle of water.

As I approached her I thought she might back away a bit, but as I got closer I found her to be dosing off as she tried to sleep sitting up. As I got her attention she moved with little energy. I asked her name. Sharon she told. She had been on the streets for about a month and was getting placed in a shelter in two days, but till then had no where to go. I explained to her she could stay there for the night, but in the morning there was shelter within walking distance that she could stay for the next night before getting placed into her more permanent shelter. She was grateful. I handed her then tin of cookies and a little money I slipped inside as well as the water bottle. I ashamedly in a way explained that I was sorry it wasn't more and with the most sincere response she looked right at me and smiled at me saying this was the most anyone had done for her in many months. My heart twisted a bit.

Sharon left the next morning my friend told me. I have no idea where she is and how she is, but it is my prayer that she is safe and warm. It is my hope and prayer that our one night encounter changed and shifted something within her and God meets her on this rough and rugged journey she is on.

Tis the season to give away...regardless of what little I may have.

Seasons

2009-12-16T20:52:00.001-08:00

I think that I have to have at least one of these entries once a year...or maybe a couple times a year. This has been a year of great change around me...not so much for myself, but for those that have surrounded my life for many years now. As of the new year approaching three of my dearest friends will have moved out of the state and on to new sections in their lives. I think that when I see these changes taking place for those that surround my life it makes me wonder if I am next or maybe I need to start looking towards moving on and away from this place that I know in its own way has become my own comfort zone?

Who would have thought Orange County would have become that for me? I can recall eight years ago that, that statement couldn't be anything farther from the truth...but it is amazing what a little time will do.

Change can be hard. The passing of seasons and the patience to get through them can be hard. I used to think that when these seasons came around that I was the one being left behind in all of it, I don't think that so much anymore, but more focus on the element of what direction am I supposed to be heading towards if all of these changes are happening around me. I guess time will tell...it always does.

Christmas Cheer

2009-12-06T17:37:00.001-08:00

The older I get the more I realize I have to start standing up for what I believe in. I may be put in certain environments that have rules and regulations about how I vocalize my beliefs but when it comes to being out of the those environments I have to remember who I am and what it is that I believe. Christmas is a special time for me, my family, and many of my friends. Christmas is about being together and remembering that the reason we celebrate is because of a baby who entered this world and was the ultimate gift.

I get discouraged in a way when I am forced to dim my cheer and enthusiasm for the season. This Christmas season is teaching me a lot about myself and a lot about the world around me. But I also realize that I can't let those influence change me and rob me of the joy of why I celebrate this time of year.

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"--which means, "God with us."

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him."

When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. When he had called together all the people's chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Christ was to be born. "In Bethlehem in Judea," they replied, "for this is what the prophet has written: "'But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for out of you will come a ruler who will be the shepherd of my people Israel.'" Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him."

After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed.

On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.

When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. "Get up," he said, "take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him."

So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: "Out of Egypt I called my son."

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: "A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more."

After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, "Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child's life are dead."

So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets: "He will be called a Nazarene."

--Matthew 1:18 - 2:23 New International Version

Cal

2009-12-04T13:17:00.001-08:00

I love my Dad and I love when I get to catch glimpses of things that insprire him and make him happy. This past weekend was one of those moments. We had some time to kill before I had to catch a plane back to Orange County after Thanksgiving and it just so happened to be close enough to wander around his old Alma Mater in Berkley. As we walked around the campus and the campus community my Dad lit up in a way I hadn't seen in ages. He showed my Mum and I where all his classes had been, where he and his buddies used to hang out, as well as several of the dormitories he was housed in. It was a pretty special afternoon for us as a family and I could tell it was specifically special for my Dad. He isn't the most expressive person so when it comes to walking around and sharing a portion of his life that myself and my Mum were never apart of I knew it held great meaning for him.

Things of the Heart

2009-11-29T15:36:00.001-08:00

This Thanksgiving we sat around the table among the cedar trees and instead of describing what we were thankful for, we went around and shared what we liked most about this season. Now there were many underlying tones of thankfulness in each of these stories be it the food, the family, or whatever else was shared.

I had some time to think about what I wanted to say being that I was seated in the middle of the sea of people we had at our table :) and I came to the conclusion what I liked the most about our Thanksgiving seasons is that they are always different. No two have truly ever looked alike. I think my family loves the concept of being traditional, but I wouldn't exactly put us at the center of what a "traditional" Thanksgiving looks like. We have spent them in Hawaii, Southern California, Northern California, family's houses, friends houses. made the feast ourselves, had buffet style, gone out and bought the day of, had take out. Yet we have always been together. There are the off years when one side of the family will spend it with their "other" side of the family or where we have combined families altogether. But to me the heart of the matter is that we have been together no matter the season or circumstance.

I love my family very much. I look around the table and see bits and pieces of what makes up me. I also see the voids of those who have passed away and how greatly their presence is missed or those who just choose to no longer sit at our table for one reason or another. Them I miss. But for the most part I am content with what I see and who I am surrounded by. I know this won't last forever and I know it is but a blink of an eye before things change. The family grows larger, kids grow into adults, get married, and begin their own Thanksgiving "traditions". Yet no matter where they go I will think of them and love them, even from afar. For now I am grateful they are close, and that I get this time with them because they mean more to me than they will ever know.

Welcome

2009-11-24T13:56:00.001-08:00

Welcome to a world unlike any other
One that is made to lift you above even the highest of mountain tops
And one that can set you below sea level if need be
A world that has experienced great loss and great sorrow
Welcome to a world that has yet to experience your joy and laughter
So many landscapes left to explore
Countless amounts of people waiting to make our acquaintance
Welcome to a place that leaves many speechless
And yet has given people subject matter to discuss until the end of time
Welcome to a world where people truly know how to love
Yet many also know how to hate
It is a place that many anticipate the beginning and others yearn for an end
Welcome to your new life
A place of so many wonderful beginnings and hopefully not too many sad endings

Florida, ice bars, and hurricanes

2009-11-11T20:18:00.000-08:00

Yet another successful work trip completed. I have to say this one by far was one of the more interesting ones. Being that I had never been to Florida for one so I had no idea what to expect and along the way met so many interesting people including a guy on the plane from Texas to Florida were we discussed hurricane seasons and when they were and how long they lasted. He assured me that their hurricane season was over, but something in my gut didn't quite believe that. Yet, low and behold our second day in I see on the news that there was a hurricane off the coast of Florida. Sometimes my gut instinct really freaks me out :)

My company along with another company sponsored an event at an ice bar which truly turned out to be memorable. Over the last few years I had talked with a couple friends how it would be fun to experience an ice bar; but really what I found out was it is pretty cold and you don't feel like staying in long. :)

I enjoy going on these trips (most of the time) gets me a little time out of the office, stretches my ability to be a quick thinker, and allows me to do something I genuinely love...meeting all sorts of people who come from all types of different backgrounds. Thanks to you my first trip to Florida was one to remember and thanks to you "Ida the Hurricane" for staying out at sea while I made my way back home to California!

Tylenol PM

2009-11-03T22:30:00.001-08:00

It is days like this were I just want to quit life (if that were possible). Not to die, just to quit. To stop being...just for a few days.

It has been a rough week and everything I touch seems to fall a part or really not go the way I expect. I have taken things a bit more personally. I am easily hurt. And I am lost in my own thoughts. And yet this is where I believe God steps in with His humor and by His humor I mean creating me.

I have kept a bottle of Tylenol in my desk for weeks such as this when my head begins to throb and I can't just seem to think straight. Well here I am feeling the onset of another pain throbbing day and go to pull out my little cute travel size bottle and for whatever reason I look at it a bit more closely. Right next to the word Tylenol is a minuscule "pm". I started to laugh. Not only had it been a bit rough go of a week, but I had felt so incredibly tired at work and couldn't figure out why. I had been getting my 7 to 8 hours. Drinking loads of water. One cup of coffee in the morning. I should be good as gold right? Nope. Not when you take 2 or 3 of these beauties!

Something about laughter breaks away a bit of the tension I carry within myself. I could blame the moment on the fact that I dyed my hair blonde in high school and the dye just somewhat seeped into my thought process ;) or the fact that I am working my way to blind (my eye sight truly is that poor). Or maybe it was the fact that I just couldn't resist the cute little bottle and paid no real attention to what it was I was picking up to ease the tension within my head. Whatever it was laughing truly was the best kind of cure-all for a week like this.

Hello You...

2009-10-24T22:10:00.001-07:00

Today marks 6 months that have shaped and changed the way I think about life, love, and sacrifice.

Today marks roughly 180 days and nights being without someone who has changed me.

Today marks a day I thought would not come along for a very long time.

Today reminds me I am worth it.

Today reminds me that he is worth it.

Today is a day I wish we could celebrate in person and face to face.

Today is a reminder of how sad and heartbroken I must have looked walking through LAX airport.

Today is a reminder that I can care again.

Today truly is a wonderful day even if 10,000 miles stand in the way because...

Today I know those miles won't always be in the way.

Learning to Love

2009-10-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

Here,
My Dear,
This is where
We'll shake the nightmare free

I dream
To hold you in my arms

Wide awake
In my arms...

I think I figured it out
We need to be together
Like the shore and the sea

We are not one thing
We're drawn here together
My ocean and me...

Love,
We sleep apart
For the last time
For the last time..

S.F.

To Live Would be an Awfully Big Adventure

2009-10-18T09:21:00.001-07:00

I was rummaging through a lot of my old college work this past week and re-read over my media crit paper I wrote my junior year of college (basically a mini thesis) and for back then I am pretty proud of what I put out, dissecting the story of Peter Pan and Neverland and Wendy the wonderful story teller.

My junior year of college was more or less a growing up year for me. Letting the past be the past, growing into new friendships, coming to a shocking reality that college wouldn't be lasting forever. It was great fuel for my paper where I took the angle of a girl who had the choice to either be a child forever or take a risk and grow up to see what would be of her life.

I totally feel like Wendy these days, in between that choice. And some days (more than I would like to admit) I have to remind myself to take the grown up way when I so desperately want to take the child like way...I have learned so much from taking both roads at different points. So here's to living the big adventure with grown up choices and the little kid moments!

Shadows

2009-10-13T15:00:00.001-07:00

Life is full of
light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown
and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross
Shadows, David Crowder Band

I have been listening to this song all week (thanks Em and Christian!) and I just can't seem to shake it. The lyrics may be simple, but they pack a punch. A punch that is worth remembering.

Change of Plans

2009-10-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

I find that I am not always the most open and black and white when it comes to my blog entries. I leave a lot of wiggle room and I leave a lot left to the imagination. Maybe this is my style and maybe I am just learning to be honest with myself.

One honest fact about myself is that I always wanted to get married when I was 22. It's true. I remember being in the 8th grade and at my Aunt Sharon's wedding. All day everyone kept asking me when I was going to get married (why on earth they would be asking a 14 year old when she would be getting married is beyond me, but they did). I answered straight faced, "when I am 22." And with that answer I proceeded to explain my logic and reason behind it. I would have enjoyed a bit of my 20s (all two years of them yippee) and I would have been finished with college by that point and on my own.

Man oh man; had only my 26 year old self been there to witness the innocence of a child. I now look back on the last 4 years of my life and can not help but be thankful for the time I have been given. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to get married and experience that part of life (be it the many ups and downs that it will bring), but for me there is something to be said about what an adventure this has been and how much I have grown. I have drastically changed over the last 4 years and a change that I truly hope has been for the better. I look back when I was 22 and really I just felt as though I was starting (and lets face it, I still feel this way some days) but I feel as though I am more of a whole person now than I was back then.

I think this is often the case for many of us. We have a goal and we go after it, but once the goal or time line has passed we feel a bit out of place. I know I did when I was 23. 23 was a weird, odd, and yet beautiful year for me. It was the year that I had never imagined for or truly prepared for and when it arrived it felt as though every day was a surprise. I may put in my two cents with God when it comes to the "change of plans" but I have to say He really does know what He is doing and because of that I am more willing to go on the detour.

Cup of Contemplation

2009-10-05T21:56:00.001-07:00

Lessons I learned ages ago are coming back my way, however not in the way you might think. I am an only child and I think one particular disadvantage about growing up this way is that I had this huge need for people. Now a gift that comes from this is that I can handle being alone perfectly well. I easily embrace the opportunities to be alone, but deep down within who I am I don't want to be left behind and I don't want to be alone.

The lesson that comes back to me is that I have grown. I have come to this place in life where I care very deeply for the people around me, but I don't put them at the center of my world. I am no longer the clingy girl who tried everything to get people to like her and even love her. Yes of course I still have the desire to be loved, but I have come to an acceptance that not everyone is going to love me or even like me. There will be seasons that I walk alone and seasons where I am embraced by many people who do truly care for me.

I guess the reason this comes up is because I am watching a couple friends walk the road of clinging to any hand they are able to reach rather than relaxing and letting go and partially falling to wherever they need to fall in order to be at peace with the themselves. It is truly an amazing thing when you come full swing in regards to your specific life lessons. It feels...its feels quite liberating actually.

Goodbyes Are Often a Part of the Process

2009-09-23T21:50:00.001-07:00

Over these last two weeks I have been placed at these weird and slightly strange intersections. I am fairly confidant that I know the direction in which I am going and where God is leading. However I can not help but think that there have been these places in the road that could offer a possible distraction from the direction in which I am headed.

All of these instances have brought a level of closure in there own way. A way of saying goodbye in the right way and the not the hurtful way. Allowing certain people to let go of you in the only ways they know how. Watching others just simply move on in life and away from my path.

It hasn't been easy mind you. Certain instances have struck a cord within my heart that I feel echos throughout all of who I am and even shakes the core of who I am becoming. But then I keep going. I keep moving forward on my own path. Towards the things I know to be right, true, and so very important for this story that God is carving out of my life.

Goodbyes can be rough. Goodbyes can be sweet. Goodbyes can be, well, just see you later. I have had a little bit of each it seems. Each that only propels me farther on.

Godspeed dear ones. Thank you for everything.

Sometimes Certain Songs Just Hit the Mark

2009-09-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you cant have everything
don't you take chances
you might feel the pain
don't you love in vain
cause love wont set you free
i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain in front of me
cause i'm just tryin be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryin play my roll
slowly disappear
well all these tears
they feel like they're the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain in front of me
cause im just tryin be happy
just wanna be happy

so any turns that i cant see
ill count a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
don't say anything
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain in front of me
cause i'm just tryin be happy
just wanna be happy

Amy's Getting Married!

2009-09-11T11:18:00.001-07:00

This is what I like to call my everything related to weddings weekend. I had a bachelorette party on Friday night, got ready for a bridal shower on Saturday, a wedding on Sunday, then the bridal shower on Monday. It was nothing short of a crazy (fun) weekend. Below are photos of the bridal shower Em and I threw for Amy. It was truly a feat for me to complete as I am so not the hostess type, but thanks to some wonderful friends and a few great ideas I think we did quite well!

Glory of the Morning

2009-09-03T22:56:00.001-07:00

I have not always been a fan of mornings.

I think I got the "night owl" gift from my Mum and during college I was ever thankful for this gift...it spared me from turning in certain papers late. However, there were several mornings that I got to rise with the dawn and I have to say there is something so amazing to be awake as you watch the sun rise.

Today was one of those days. I drove to a spot I found about a year and a half ago that takes me at least a little ways out of the "city" and I watched it rise. It is a sweet place when you can sit with the Creator of the universe in silence and just let the new day wash over you and with that you are granted another day. Another day filled with anticipation and expectation.

Mornings like this are truly something to behold.

Food for Thought

2009-08-31T22:25:00.001-07:00

I have been all about the journey these last few years. A journey of the heart, soul, mind, body...all of it. It hasn't been easy and often I thought walking away from it all and giving up was the best solution, because really walking through this what would it ever provide to others or myself? But giving up is and has never been the answer. I have constantly been taught and shown that really living, really giving yourself away, learning to love and be loved, learning to forgive and work through it all can be one of the greatest testaments to life and living.

We are to be constant encouragers and examples to one another, just as Christ set the ultimate example.

I can't give up now.

And as much as I have days and nights where I would love nothing more than the "race" to come to a halt I know my story is impacting others. I know that my heart and desire for God is impacting others whether they choose to see that part or not. I know there is something so much larger than "me" taking place in all of this.

SO...all of this to say...don't give up, don't lose hope, keep moving forward however hard the climb may be, because what you gain in wisdom and understanding is totally worth it.

MidNight Project

2009-08-29T16:05:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my Friday evening of "I should do my laundry and wash my sheets." This simple thought expanded to my roommate passing by my room and asking if I was planning on changing it up? She and I have talked about this for a year, but it meant removing a bookshelf (which I need) and losing a bit of floor space. But I have been complaining a bit more lately about how I hate making a bed that is up against the wall. So why not! And thus began my Friday night adventure!
This was just the changing the sheets picture. But already you can tell by taking a picture I was committing to writing a bit about my crazy idea!

Woohoo! Successfully moved the bed (by myself) taken the bookshelf out of my room and stored it in the garage (by myself), and successfully banged myself pretty good in the process.
Not enough space in the room therefore half the bed went into the entry way and all the extra little stuff stored away in the bathroom.
Ok now I know this is a duplicate picture below but I want you to look in the purple chair, I have about 50 DVD's sitting in their cases there. I realized that if I was going to make this work I was going to have to suck it up and make a target run. But first I made a list so that I would only get the things I needed for this project rather than all the things I want at Target :)
Wall-ah! The finished project below. Target run complete and under budget. I purchased something to hold my extra DVDs and CDs as well as three larger containers for extra books I am saving for my library one day, as well as a set of new towels! I figured my bathroom needed a bit of pampering as well. Oh and the tiny little TV stand next to the bed to house a few more books that I read and write in regularly.

So at about 12:30 (Saturday morning) this was my completed project. For just coming home and wanting to change the sheets I think I did fairly well in having the energy to finish it all within a few hours!

Today's the Day

2009-08-27T07:09:00.001-07:00

Today is the day that they put you to sleep for 4 hours and take what has been harming you for these many months, yet it will also take a piece of what we identify femininity with. I know you are scared. I know you don't know exactly what life is going to look like come after this morning. But please know this, you are loved and won't have to be alone in the process.

My Journey with Hillsong

2009-08-23T17:10:00.001-07:00

Hillsong never meant much to me. When I heard people refer to it my thoughts were, "I think I have heard some of their songs...they are based in the UK or maybe Australia...I can't quite remember." When I entered college I had a couple close girlfriends who knew more than I did and began to explain to me that they were based in Australia (not the UK like I had originally thought) and that they were hoping to attend their worship school sometime in the near future. Even with these little pieces of information I never really realized the vastness of who they were. With the move to New Zealand I caught a bigger glimpse of it. I think for certain things it all depends on where you are located in the world to understand how BIG (aka popular) some things are. New Zealand I think gave me far more insight to "who" Hillsong was and their vision for ministry in the world.

My world was rocked when Kristin and I had the chance to visit Australia and had the opportunity to attend their church. Had you ever shared with my 15 year old self that I would ever visit this church family I would have giggled at you (yes giggled) and walked away. But after getting a bit lost, almost missing a shuttle, there we stood. I remember feeling overwhelmed and yet anticipation grew within me that I knew this was a journey that I had to experience myself with God. My heart I think actually expanded in that 2 hour period that we were there. We met some of the most nice kind hearted people and I met with a very very tangible part of God. I am not sure I will ever be able to put it in words and maybe that is ok. This was a moment between God and one I know will never quite be duplicated.

So fast forward 2 years, I haven't listened to much of their music recently, still hang on to remnants of that night when Kristin and I visited. But here I sit in my room, feeling miserable, "dry", parched for something I know I have been longing for. Going through my music collection I stumble across a cd a friend made me a while back, a compilation of her favorite songs from Hillsong. I put it on. A wave of release and a breakthrough in the tension of myself swallowed me whole. I am constantly left speechless for how God can work in my life personally. The tensions that I hang onto on a daily basis that build up over the months can within a moments notice be wiped from my life and I am given a sense of peace that can not be compared to anything in this world.

I think God likes to use music in my life. It is something I have always resonated with and maybe I can "blame" my parents for since they used to play together before I was even born and then it took a pretty big role in our home life as I was growing up. Even though I can't carry a tune and I don't have the knack to play an instrument hearing others works of art and gifts does something for me; Hillsong and their music only adding to that.

Somewhere in Between

2009-08-18T20:02:00.001-07:00

Lately I have found myself in between a lot of things lately...in between job choices, responsibility choices, heart choices, just a lot of all around choices. And the hard part for me as I stand in the middle of all of these choices is that I can't seem to discover any real black and white response to any of them. I was at least hoping that one would be black and white but really they are all hazy and grey. So here I am in the middle of everything and yet at the brink of so much more.

I have discovered while being here that I have to start basing choices off of "Heidi" and no one else. Over the years I have developed this tender heart and caring for others which ultimately turned into caring too much for what others thought of me. Therefore a lot of my choices became based on what others thought rather than what I believed I should do.

So begins the stretching process of making choices. Regardless if they are right or wrong I just have to start making them and discovering what unfolds. So here goes nothing!

Brooke

2009-08-13T10:35:00.001-07:00

Lately my ipod keeps shuffling to Brooke Fraser, so today I decided to give in and fill my senses with memories from what seems long ago. Brooke was an artist that Kristin and I were introduced to while we were living in New Zealand. Kristin and I would often listen to her in the flat when no one was home or while we were cleaning or making dinner. We actually got the chance to see her in concert with a group of friends/mates which was a blast! Sometimes it can be hard to have all these emotions and memories pop up in your head, but then I realize I am all the better for them regardless of how "hard" it may be. In lieu of my music interest this week enjoy a bit of a flashback from our year spent abroad.

Just thinking...

2009-08-12T18:18:00.001-07:00

Isaiah 40:12-31

¹² Who else has held the oceans in his hand?
Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers?
Who else knows the weight of the earth
or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale?
¹³ Who is able to advise the Spirit of the Lord?^[c]
Who knows enough to give him advice or teach him?
¹⁴ Has the Lord ever needed anyone’s advice?
Does he need instruction about what is good?
Did someone teach him what is right
or show him the path of justice?

¹⁵ No, for all the nations of the world
are but a drop in the bucket.
They are nothing more
than dust on the scales.
He picks up the whole earth
as though it were a grain of sand.
¹⁶ All the wood in Lebanon’s forests
and all Lebanon’s animals would not be enough
to make a burnt offering worthy of our God.
¹⁷ The nations of the world are worth nothing to him.
In his eyes they count for less than nothing—
mere emptiness and froth.

¹⁸ To whom can you compare God?
What image can you find to resemble him?
¹⁹ Can he be compared to an idol formed in a mold,
overlaid with gold, and decorated with silver chains?
²⁰ Or if people are too poor for that,
they might at least choose wood that won’t decay
and a skilled craftsman
to carve an image that won’t fall down!

²¹ Haven’t you heard? Don’t you understand?
Are you deaf to the words of God—
the words he gave before the world began?
Are you so ignorant?
²² God sits above the circle of the earth.
The people below seem like grasshoppers to him!
He spreads out the heavens like a curtain
and makes his tent from them.
²³ He judges the great people of the world
and brings them all to nothing.
²⁴ They hardly get started, barely taking root,
when he blows on them and they wither.
The wind carries them off like chaff.

²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
Who is my equal?” asks the Holy One.

²⁶ Look up into the heavens.
Who created all the stars?
He brings them out like an army, one after another,
calling each by its name.
Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
not a single one is missing.
²⁷ O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?
O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?
²⁸ Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
²⁹ He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
³⁰ Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
³¹ But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Inspired

2009-08-09T11:15:00.001-07:00

I found this movie to be inspiring from the stand point that I often feel like Julie these days. I go to work yet when I am there I know there is more to my existence than to assist those that I am around. I have a love for the life God has given me and I am struggling to live that out on the 4th floor three desks back.

Lately, I find myself coming home and just like Julie laying on the floor but I am surrounded by papers, thoughts, and my dreams of what could be rather than, 'a what would have been delicious meal' :) I just need to take my one solid good idea off the shelf and run with it and see what could happen instead of putting it back on the shelf and doubting that this could really go anywhere.

I am a bit more inspired just for the fact that this was based off of someone's real life. That she had a life prior to writing and film that looks a whole lot like mine does right now. I need this kind of inspiration; kind of sets a fire under oneself to take a risk in a totally new and unknown direction.

Here's to trying new things, taking a few more risks, "painting a few walls", and finding out what the unexpected holds.

Summer Where Have You Gone?

2009-08-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

I guess I could look at every season as my summer season, but there is something so special about the months of June through August and as we enter into August I find myself slightly saddened that this summer has so quickly passed me by.

Of course I have had a few fun adventures along the way and a great few late nights, but they really don't compare to the summer days of my childhood and adolescence. The never ending day in the pool or at the beach. Super late night movies at the theater when I could sleep in to my hearts content the very next day. I have to say though, I am grateful I appreciated each and every summer season I was given while growing up.

Well off to take advantage of one of those late summer nights with Friend...ok maybe it won't be late late, but still getting time to hang out with her summer season or not is always an adventure in and of itself!

To All The Boys Who Break Girls Hearts

2009-07-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

*(And let me preface this with, I do know that girls to break boys hearts, but this little blip is specifically dedicated to the other way around.)

We often find you foolish, mean, and down right hurtful. However, let me make myself very clear most of us don't die like you think we do. We are talented, beautiful, and full of life. What may feel as though an eternity to us will not last and one day in the midst of living our lives, it's gone. The hurt and the pain that has robbed us of but a few moments (in all reality) is gone. You shape us to be even more exquisite then when you first encountered us. I feel sorry for those of you who continue to live your heartbreaking ways, but to those of you who learn from it I hope you learn to love in a deeper and far more meaningful way and are in turn loved back unconditionally.

Optimist vs. Realist

2009-07-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

I often struggle with this concept; optimism vs. reality. Countless conversations I have been having lately in my work environment leave me thinking to myself that things will possibly never change and that I might as well get used to this because for now this is how it is going to be. Back in the day I used to find myself being quite the optimist, but I took a "test" that classified me as a realist. Maybe it's for the best that I take on this mind set. But I can't help the thought that I would love to see change come about and not have to be doing it on my own (or what feels like I am on my own). Maybe most of who I am is a realist, but at the core of who I am, I am a true optimist.

Just my mid-afternoon thoughts...

Memories of Days Gone Past

2009-07-26T22:47:00.001-07:00

So back in 2002 I moved down to Southern California to attend college. I was scared. I put on the brave face to all my friends and family back home that I was this grown up, independent woman, who had nothing but adventure before her. Inside I was terrified and could not believe that I was actually doing this and if there was any way possible for me to get out of making this life altering move that it would happen, but it didn't.

So late in August I moved to Costa Mesa, CA with my parents in tow to help me get sorted and to see where I would be attending school for the next four years (at least that's what they thought, I knew better). About two days later we hugged in the parking lot adjacent to my dorm building, as we said our goodbyes and our comforting words that we would see each other soon I felt like I was ripping in half. I watched them drive away and it took everything in me to at least make it to the back door of the dorm building without collapsing in tears.

I made it.

Crawled up four flights of stairs, basically crawled down a hall, and made it too my room. Thank goodness my new roommate was out with her parents shopping for last minute room decor (it would have been an even harder transition having my roommate think I was crazy).

My world stopped for a moment that day. However, it kept going and I made good on those four years (because my parents actually knew better) by having one of the most life altering, adventuring seeking, college experiences ever.

Ashley (who is with me below) had a similar experience; we lived on the same floor, lived together at several points during college and have been friends for 7 years now; and it wasn't until tonight that we discovered with both felt the same exact way our first few weeks of college. Funny how we keep things inside and hold onto them. It would have been so much easier to know that there were others sitting in that boat along side me, but having gone through it has made me stronger, more adept to trusting God when pieces of my life are ripped away from me, and made me realize that the things I know I must forge ahead in (even though they may scare me a bit) are ultimately the best things that could have ever happened to me.

Here's to you my friend; may we often be placed in these moments of life altering and adventuring seeking seasons!

Bring It!

2009-07-19T22:47:00.001-07:00

I have a strange sort of feeling that I am staring a huge storm in the eye. Back in the day when this season approached I would always find myself becoming nervous and wondering if I would make it to the end, but as more and more of these seasons have passed through my life I now know I can take on a lot more than I ever thought. So when I stare this season/storm in the face all I can say is, "bring it on", because I know its not going away, so I might as well deal with it, learn from it, and hopefully pass through it not too terribly beat up.

Makes Me Laugh

2009-07-15T15:26:00.001-07:00

I don't know if this has ever happened to you were you chose something because you genuinely liked it and then all of the sudden it became the new "fad". I can remember a couple of times this happening to me. One in particular instance was when I was in junior high and I wanted to re-do my bedroom from the red, pink, and white theme to a sunflowers with a rich royal blue accent. My Mum and I went on this grand big hunt to find sunflower items and because we couldn't find much we ended up creating a lot of the stuff ourselves. Once the room was finished about a month later sunflowers were the new "it" item and were everywhere! My Mum liked to make the comment from then on out that I was an "it" girl. Same thing goes here (sort of)! Yes, I had seen Lord of the Rings and thought it was a beautiful country, but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get the chance to move there. Well, looks as though Air New Zealand is promoting that dream to people! http://www.thematchmakingflight.com/ Quite the deal they have going! I am so interested to know the kinds of people who will be doing this! And what kind of stories will come from promoting an event like this! :)

Good Morning Reality

2009-07-08T09:42:00.001-07:00

Good morning reality nice to see you again, kind of. You are that solid foundation that I often wake up to and even though you may be my reality I know you can always change. You can be as daunting or as welcoming as I choose to make you. You are an ever present reminder to continue to moving forward and to continue to chase after my other dreams that I hope one day will be my reality. Until then, good morning my reality for the day. Hopefully we can work together to make it a great day.

Day Dreaming

2009-06-28T00:08:00.001-07:00

Can't seem to focus my thoughts much these days...I thinkI need a holiday.