So You Think You Can Dance

Some of my favorite and funniest memories are wrapped up in this show. Thanks girls for making it a great night!!

Your Thoughts

Tell me something simply wonderful about your week...

No, I am not kidding. I really want to know. :)

Relief

Ever get that feeling of relief when you find something you have lost? This is a devotional my Dad gave me a few months back and I carry it with me everywhere. I lost it and then thanks to a much smarter friend who has similar thoughts to my own, helped me locate it in my car. What a great relief. Thanks Nanny!

Tri-Nations Cup

The New Zealand boys won this morning (however I watched it tonight). It was a great game and made me wish that rugby was a bigger sport then it currently is in the states!

Way to go All Blacks!!

Looking Ahead

Ready or not here we go...

Paradise Cove

Sometimes it just takes a few moments of change and a bit of fresh air to remind you the sky isn't falling. I have been sitting in my beautiful mess for what seems to be the last fives years, it can be a little bit overwhelming as some of you gathered from my previous post, but it isn't always like that. It takes those weeks to stir you into doing something about the funk and overwhelmingness ( I like creating words) of it all.

My form this time was getting away from what I normally do, what I am normally around, take a mini adventure...and visiting my Aunt in Glendale seemed like the perfect idea since we hadn't seen each other since around Christmas time. I enjoy getting to spend time with her and sharing life with her. While I was growing up she was always so easy to talk to and to this day is very much still that listening ear. She is one of the few to make me laugh and lighten the mood in which I stand and ponder my thoughts.

Having no expectations for this weekend, we woke up this morning and took a drive down Malibu Canyon Road and towards PCH. It was a beautiful morning and the perfect time to go down before the afternoon beach crowds started arriving. We had breakfast near this pier below and walked down the beach for a few miles. Its a beautiful place and resembled so many places in this world that bring me to a place of letting go of what little control I think I have.

It is refreshing to find these sweet little spots of paradise and to be able to have a few moments to relish in them.

Oxygen

Just a little reminder that makes me want to keep doing what I am doing. Thanks Grae for the article and thank you to those of you who continue to read my ramblings, and challenge me to keep writing them.

My Beautiful Mess

Almost a year ago Kristin and I were laying on the living room floor of a house in Christchurch. We were laying down soaking up the sun that was beaming through the window and we were talking about all that we expected of our return home. I think we both said a lot of things that have come to pass and we just knew would be things that we would encounter. Now, maybe I have become a girl that likes to see the glass as half full and even when I call some things into question I want to be positive in believing there is a reason and a purpose.

Lately, taking on that half glass full mentality has not been easy. I complain within my heart, my attitude isn't the same, and I call into question everything, oh yeah and I think FAR too much. But even in these moments of distress flickers of hope remind me exactly who I am. Chris Weinand put it beautifully at church this weekend, 'its as though God quieted the heavens and unashamedly called out my name.' Can you picture this? God quieting all of heaven to call out your name and acknowledge your presence before everyone? I often picture God being ashamed of me (if I am really being honest with myself). Do I want God to be ashamed of me? No. I want to be a daughter that He looks at and beams when I enter the room and that reality is far more true than I believe.

I have gotten stuck in this tangled web that I am half living since I came home. I felt so alive and stretched being somewhere else. This is my beautiful mess. I was a girl who never wanted to the leave the confines of her safe haven "home" and now I can't seem to leave soon enough and on to the next place, the next phase, the next adventure. I just can't seem to sit still and maybe in the midst of all of this, this is what I am supposed to gain and see. That I need to sit still again, I need to commit, I need to embrace and face God in a whole new way and realize that my mess is something He can take and create beauty out of.

Blank Canvas

Sometimes when I walk through different seasons that aren't the prettiest I don't like to use this "canvas" as my way of venting. However, so many good and incredible things come out of these different seasons, so I promise to share soon...

Meet Max!!

So, this is the newest part of our family and he has nothing but love to give and is more than willing to accept any love you have to offer! He is a total crack and a bit too smart for his own good or possibly the good/sanity of my parents. :)

Rock Your Soul

Over the last few weeks a group of women have been gathering at my house to study the book of Daniel. Can I just say that I feel so very uneducated. After all the Sunday school classes I went to, week long camps, and Christian education I feel as though some very basic yet practical parts to certain stories were missing (or maybe I wasn't paying attention till now, which is very likely and possible). This book is totally changing me from the inside out. Daniel was an incredible man in his youth all the way through his life. He was filled with integrity, sought out by Kings, loved by the LORD, and much more. Daniel was a man of the ages. His story is impacting my own. His ability to give honor where honor is due, but to truly give glory and praise to the true God of his life.

Beth Moore is continually challenging me with her honesty and vulnerability that makes me want to push through my own pride issues and really get down to heart of the matter. I can not express enough or in a better way what a crazy journey I am on. I have no map for this part of my life. I have no idea where I am going or where He is leading, but I know it is heading towards something good. I believe this with my whole heart. Some days are ugly and hard and all I want to do is to disappear and never to reappear, but that is giving up and I just can't. There is something in me that won't allow me to stop fighting.

I am walking through the fire and its intensity is burning away so much that I thought I could hang on to and be ok with in life. Not true. I have never been as fascinated with scripture as I am right now and each time I open it up and start exploring it, it is drastically rocking my soul and reminding me my time is short and wasting it, is not my best option.

Some days I wonder...

if you will ever physically show up and swing with me.

Sweet Summer Time

Getty evening fun

Life Group water fights

Random car photo shoots

Love

Date nights with girl friends

Orange

Reading just for the pleasure of it

Adventures

Friends coming home from other countries

"Surprise" visits

4th of July

Just a few things I enjoy about summer time

Intimacy and Rejection

This post has been lingering in my line up for a while now and I have toyed with many different ideas of how it should go. And I am still not sure this is how I want it to go, but I need to let go of it and move on to other wonderful posts that need to be written. I have written countless entries about my interactions with strangers and about my loved ones. So I guess this would be a mix of the two.

I had the pleasure of accompanying a dear friend (who is becoming like family more and more every day) to the Getty museum. We both needed a change, an adventure, something to take us out of where we were both currently standing. I am glad I said yes to the adventure, because when I say adventure it was nothing short of just that. We walked the gardens, took photos, made up stories about strangers, and even befriended one. His name was Simon. The best way to describe it is soul recognition. I know it is a strange phrase, but there was something about this kid that stuck out to me and I couldn't shake. I know he felt it too because he walked right up to us and said, "I think we are supposed to meet." The next two hours were a bit of a blur as I caught a glimpse of this stranger that didn't feel so strange.

We ended the night with a 10 minute walk down a curvy road and for some reason I knew I would never forget that walk. I felt so alive. I was thinking, being creative, being challenged, and just excited about life. Simon felt it too. We took a ride on the lifts going up and down, up and down, finally to the discovery of Simon's car where, he opened his trunk to a full load of all sorts of different books, mostly about art, life, poetry, and even a bit of religion. My eyes caught a glimpse of a Jewish heritage book and I was intrigued. He made a remark about our faith that my friend and I totally disagreed with (about how Christian's don't get to truly live) and I knew I couldn't be silent. So I shared the most important thing I had with a stranger I barely knew but knew there was something more than meets the eye. Within a matter of moments that stranger became a wilted flower. He had vanished right before my very eyes and I don't think I saw anyone run (metaphorically) so fast in my life.

I know Simon is still out in the world, somewhere in Southern California, riding his bike, or in his car generously giving away his beautiful book collection. That night something in my heart ached and broke. Maybe because the one I truly loves has told me that my heart will break for the things that break His.

My heart breaks for you Simon. I have thought about you almost every day since our encounter. I do not judge you. I do not condemn you. I am just thinking about you and praying for you. Hoping that one day you will truly know what it means to live in the midst of intimacy and rejection.


*photo by Nan, inspired by Heidi

Childhood Dreams DO Come True!

Meet Max. He is a one year old miniature golden-doodle and now belongs to my family.

My Aunt and Uncle that live in Santa Cruz went in search for the perfect dog for the family a few years back and in their search happened to discover this breed. They did their research and found breeders they trusted and a few months later they had Pasti...the fun loving HUGE golden-doodle. My family loved being around Pasti and on several occasions has kept him a couple weekends on our 3 acre property; allowing him to soak up all the openness that his incredible home can not always provide on a daily basis.

Over the last few months our families just seemed to talk about dogs and my parents getting one...but I knew it would take a miracle. We spent this past Christmas up in Santa Cruz and when we went out to walk Pasti one afternoon this is where I got introduced to the miniature version of Pasti and fell in love (but never really voiced this opinion).

Well, last weekend Max's current living situation was one that he could no longer stay in. So with my Aunt's quick dealings in a matter of days my Mum and her best friend were driving up to Santa Cruz to pick up Max.

Max is loving (all 4 days) the Central Coast and now when I call my parents it sounds as though they have another child in the house, which only makes me laugh with joy for them! Change is a little tough for them, but I think Max is the perfect addition to our family and to their home.

First Time for Everything!

So, a few months ago I got asked if I would take some engagement photos for a friend. I was in shock when I read the e-mail and a million thoughts raced through my head, one being, "my photos have always been for my pleasure and it has never mattered what other people thought, but this time it would matter." I told her I needed to think about it and would get back to her. After some thought and the idea of a "challenge" I accepted.

I went to church that Sunday morning and felt sick. Went to one of my favorite lunch spots, Chipotle, and couldn't eat a thing. I had butterflies and boy were they HUGE ones at that. I drove to Orange and explored this little section of Orange County that I had never known before. Then I waited. Sitting in Orange Circle I relaxed and watched families and musicians pass me by and then they arrived.

Laura and Todd by far made this experience so worth it! They had fun exploring with me and in the process I caught some fun moments. I learned a lot and really got a chance to see life and love more through a photographers eye which was wonderful! Thanks Laura for the believing in this girl's "hobby".

Congratulations Laura and Todd!

Dear Gray

Dear Gray,

There is so much that could be placed here. SO many jokes I could relay into the world of blogging, but I don't think anyone else would think they are as funny as we do.

Thank you for being this unexpected friend that showed up at an airport and truly left me speechless just by that act. Thank you for listening to my dreams and my fears. Not many people are willing to invest as you have and even though it seems like light years separate the communication it means a lot to me to be able to have you around.

You are brave and so smart. Don't give up and don't lose hope. You have some of the most amazing goals and desires stored away that I know the LORD sees and wants to honor. You, my gray, friend have made so many sacrifices to stand up for what you believe and for those you believe in. I cherish each and every message, each and every question, and each and every random thought. So on that note...black and white photos or color photos? :)

Ciao

Choosing Joy

Often in life I come to this place that holds toughness, aches, dryness, and voidness (yes it is my own word!). This place looks the same through and through, but if I take a closer look I see things have changed, I have changed, my perspective has changed since standing here once before (that once before seeming to be only a few months ago).

So of the dearest people in my life who are walking this, what seems to be out of control, journey with me get this concept. But one main point that we have come across in this desolate land is a choice. A choice that we allow to consume us to the very core and rob us of our belovedness. Sometimes we admit, that we roll over and allow it do this very thing. And then there are seasons within this season where we get up and fight with what little might we have left in us. We make the choice to choose joy. We fight for this choice that has been given to us. We allow it to consume us and impact this wasteland that we are traveling through. But as we continue to move forward it isn't so much of a waste but a learning ground...a playing field of sorts.

We have been chosen just as Joseph was chosen, just as Ruth was chosen, just as Job was chosen, just as Moses was chosen, just as Joshua was chosen. I am choosing to believe in the eternal joy that was bestowed on me 15 years ago in small, blink your eyes, and miss it town. I made a commitment. I made a commitment that did not promise happiness all the days of my life, but a Saviour who restores the joy of my soul in a way that none can.

I chose. I have chosen. I am continually choosing.

Learning

2 + 2 = 4

Touching the inside of an oven when it's on hurts

Honesty is the best policy

We all go through hard seasons

Getting your heart broken doesn't mean you are broken forever

Genuine laughing helps ease my painful moments

Insurance goes up when you move away from small towns into big towns

We all have things to be thankful for

Apples I am convinced keep doctors away

Learning doesn't end once you have a piece of paper in a pretty holder

God forgives and God loves and that is what I am learning right now

Milky Way

It is the thing I can't help but do when I am at home and I know there isn't a full moon. I wait until really late at night, grab a blanket, and a pillow; and I lay out on our back lawn. The view from my backyard looking up at the night sky is incredible. Something that so often I hear scares people, draws me in. It's this vast wide open space and there are these millions of little lights (to me at least) hanging in the sky. I have done this since as far back as my mind will carry me and whether I am up at home on the Central Coast of California or standing on the outskirts of a large city in Orange County I hope I continue to do it.

Bleach

It has that distinct and very clear smell. I didn't use to like the smell of bleach growing up but something about it in my middle years of life has caused me to appreciate the smell. It signifies cleanliness...something I very much appreciate in many different ways. I appreciate when our place of living is clean, when my room is clean, when my office space is clean, when I am clean, when my heart and soul are clean. Right now I would have to say though I need a good dousing of bleach on me. I phrased it to someone the other night as the "walking wounded" and I truly hate being that way. I truly dislike the steps that have lead me to this place where I am standing. Yet again, God ever so gently and kindly reminds me that He is the bleach in my life. Every morning He provides something that no other human in my life can provide. I am so human, disgusting, and hurting. Yet I am forgiven, loved, and found to be treasured. Life and the seasons in it are beyond anything I can truly put into words. But I continue to walk through it so that has to say something right? Now on that note...off to clean the oven.

Peacocks

:)

Hard Times

So currently my Facebook status is set as "Heidi is still wondering". And many people have asked what is it that I am wondering about. And what I am wondering is, just about life in general. I am wondering about cancer that is consuming people I know. Tragic deaths and heart break. Loneliness. Politics. World power. Revelation. History. These are just a few of the thoughts running through my mind at the present moment. I know hard times have always been around, but as we sat around a living room the other night, my girl friends and I discussed how life used to be so much more "simple". All these elements were there, but there has been a level of complexity that has been added to the mix. Whenever I begin to think about these topics. I feel as though I am standing in the middle of an intersection knowing full well that life isn't going to "slow down" as I try to understand them a bit more; but sometimes I am given an empty intersection. It's still an intersection that represents a way for life to quickly pass by, but this empty intersection enables me to think through it and not rush through it. Life is interesting to me and as I keep living it out I think on that thought...that this crazy life is so incredibly interesting.

9:27

I should be in bed or at least getting ready for bed.

I have discovered over the last two years that I am an 8 hour sleep kind of girl. I did horrible things to my body throughout college. Forcing it to function on 30 minute cat naps before turning in a HUGE paper, talking to all hours of the morning only to realize the night had passed by, driven around till the sun came up just so you could catch a glimpse of that first morning light. Yes, I did horrible things to my body, but that produced some great memories and stories! Needless to say I think I can survive on 7 hours and 45 minutes and be ok in the morning.

All that to say, I am not in bed. I am sitting here. Here upstairs. Window open. Thoughts and ideas surrounding my mind which does make it awfully hard to fall asleep.

Over the last few weeks people have been sharing their dreams and desires with me and I have been bold enough to share some of mine in return. Now for those of you who know me, this has become a trying thing over the years. Its as though something in me broke and, well, I just couldn't commit to one thing. My mind and goals were all over the place. I wanted to be a professional photographer, missionary in a third world country, chef, work in a bookstore somewhere in New York; to become something great and grand rather than the opposite in my mind of becoming boring and drab. But over the weeks and months I have committed. I have committed to the not knowing. I have declared that I want to be an author of some sort. I have committed to staying and not running (at least for now). My life has ended up ever so different than I thought. Have you felt this way before? Or is what you had envisioned your whole life coming to pass just as you thought? I know choices play a large role in what has taken place. I know things could have been very different.For example: I discovered a love of other people groups and countries because of the love someone showed me through their passion for it. I know that had this person not invested in me the way they did I may have not been so passionate about seeing and being a part of other countries and cultures like I have. My heart aches to be a part of something much greater than I am and seeing what I have seen, held the people I have held, walked the city streets I have, I have caught a glimpse of that "greater".

This is a strange season for me and as I look at past blogs it looks a lot like ramblings and for those of you who have stuck around to see what is next I thank you. It doesn't feel so lonely. I know something is taking place in my life...a sort of shifting/anticipation feeling. (not that I base life off of feelings, but lets call it a girls intuition). Life is shifting and the lives around me are shifting. I jokingly made a comment today to a friend asking, "Want to move countries with me?" I just can't completely commit. I want to and I think that is a part of this season and journey. God is calling me to stay put, to leave my "running shoes" in the closest for the timing being, and actually watch Him cultivate some things here. It doesn't mean I am forever barred from "going anywhere else" it just means waiting for the right time and when that times arrives I won't hesitate in the least. This I am sure of.

Bed time.

My Definition of Laughter

Laughter: an action filled with emotion that refreshes the soul and comes exactly when you need it.