The Heart of the Matter

The older I get the more understanding I have for myself and for God's heart. My heart isn't attached to the city in which I stand. It's attached to the people in it. Over time though I have discovered that my heart is really drawn to the cultures and people that are beyond my own territories.

It truly makes me laugh to think about, because of how it all fits into my story. Back in 2002 at the start of college the idea of living somewhere other than the comfort of my own country was nothing but something that brave, passionate, "cool" people did. Yet, there was a shift, a change, a charge...whatever you want to call it, at some point in that first year of my last stint of education. I got a charge to love others that were beyond my own territory. But now this lesson has come full circle. It is also about loving those that surround me in this place that I once had been so comfortable in that I never wanted to leave. It is learning to have a balance of both in my life.

I had a conversation with a good friend on Sunday and we were reminiscing about the past and discussing the dreams of the future. We were both left with a sense of amazement how our dreams and desires "way back when" have in many ways shifted to our "todays" versions of those dreams and desires. The somewhat scary part (and I wonder why it is that I did this) is that I didn't really dream past college. I had an idea of what might come after that last year of school but my dreams really stopped there. These past three years have been wonderful...a true wonderful mystery written out day by day. I have excelled in ways that I never thought I could. I have gone far beyond that girl in the cafeteria those special Wednesday nights. It has been so much more full and richer than I could have ever dreamed. And the best part of it all, if God wills it, there is so much more mystery and balance to be discovered in this life.

Movie Month Again!

So I think my theme (for the most part) the last month or so has been to see Oscar nominated films :)

The Changing of Seasons

I appreciate my friends abilities to share their lives with me. I appreciate their honesty, their candidness, their ability to share about the seasons in which they stand. I have friends who are on the brink of major changes, unexpected blessings, great sorrows, and certain cross-roads. My friends are standing in many different seasons in many parts of the world. All growing and changing; being stretched in ways in which I think some of them never thought were possible for them. I am surrounded by some pretty phenomenal people with some amazing stories and my view of their lives is as though I get to experience every thing single season within a matter of moments. I am blessed by their lives and their willingness to share a piece of it with me.

The Art of Trust

22 January 2009
Lesson three: Who belongs in your life?

"Where you go I will go."Ruth 1:16 NIV

"Ruth told Naomi, "Where you go I will go." You can spend your life anywhere with anybody doing anything, then suddenly meet someone and sense that there is a connection between you. It's what made Elisha quit farming and follow Elijah, an eccentric prophet; it's why Timothy hung out with Paul, an old man soon to be executed. You know intuitively, "I won't reach my destiny without you in my life." Looking back you realise if you hadn't met that certain person, or taken that phone call, or read that email, you wouldn't be where you are today. On the other hand, "Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye" (Ruth 1:14 NIV). Now Orpah's leaving didn't make her a bad person; it just meant her part in the story was over. Recognise when somebody's part in your story is over, otherwise you'll just keep trying to raise the dead. David pleaded with God for his newborn baby's life. "He fasted...spent the nights lying on the ground...and...would not eat" (2 Sam 12:16-17 NIV). But when the child died he had to accept that there was nothing more he could do, so he "got up...washed...changed his clothes...and he ate" (2 Sam 12:20 NIV). Acknowledge when something is over. If God means you to have it, He'll give it to you. If you've tried to make it work and it hasn't, accept His will in the matter. Get up, go for a walk, buy yourself a new outfit, treat yourself to a good meal; start living again! Never beg anyone to stay with you against their will. Their leaving is no accident; it just means God has something better in store for you (and possibly them too), so trust Him and move on!"

• I was sent this the other day and there was just something about it that struck me. By nature I am a "people pleaser" and often I place myself in situations of hanging on to things I should let go of; all because of that fear of being hated. I am a true work in progress, but I agree so much with the start of this devotion. Because of certain people walking into my life I have forever been changed and because of other people walking out of my life I have gone in a totally different direction than I thought I would. For example; I am in a job because of a woman I met in the halls of a building I worked at before moving to New Zealand back in 2006. It is truly amazing how one choice, life, or situation can truly change the course of where God can take you.

74 Days

No words can be placed in my heart

No attitude described

My voice was taken for a moment

My mind washed of every seen thing

500 days seemed so much easier than 74

The knowledge of the not knowing

The great instinct to run

The even greater instinct to stay

My mind knows all the facts

My heart senses it can break away from the ice pack

Beat after beat

Thought after thought

I'll be willingly waiting there

My genuine beating heart and I

Morning Glory

Sometimes when I am in the middle of a moment I want to capture the closest camera I have is my cell phone, sad story I know, but I happened to catch this moment one morning this past week. I got the opportunity (for work) to stay down in Dana Point in this beautiful hotel over looking the harbor and all. Most mornings my internal clock went off just as the light was starting to hit the horizon and can I just say it was breath taking. All the pictures I took on my phone can't even compare to what I saw. My first morning the sky above was this rich royal blue and the line of the horizon was this crimson red color...it was amazing. I sat in the chair closest to the window thanking God for moments like this, moments that I don't get every day. Had I lived in that room my whole life it would not have been as special and I probably wouldn't even get up to enjoy the view every morning, but because it was something special and different it was a treasured view.

New Year...New Possibilities

2009. A new year and with so much possibility. After having many conversations about this up and coming year I have been left with the mind set that anything is possible. I have no grand plans. No great resolutions. I am left with the attitude of being open to whatever comes and the idea that when I stand at this place truly anything can happen. Most of my friends can attest to the fact that I can be a bit of a control freak :) but with my open attitude I am doing my best to let go of my controling side and roll with the punches. So here is to a new year with new and endless possibilities.

Journey to the North

There is something to be said for having the opportunity to travel. I enjoy the packing part and figuring out what little I can bring (it is a challenge to myself), jumping in a car or catching the next plane out. I get a thrill out of seeing new places, meeting new people, having new experiences. In some ways this is probably a challenge to me as well. It challenges me not to get caught up in my own box and my own way of thinking. I have to take into account those surrounding me and what is "normal" to them.

I flew up to Washington (state) yesterday morning and have already had a wonderful visit with Kristin. We always tend to meet the most open and friendly people when we are together. We met Dale the art salesman, Weston the Starbucks employee, Sharon the friendly Washington woman all within the last 24 hours. We get a kick out of the people we meet and the stories we get to hear.

I feel a bit more refreshed getting this chance to travel and stretch my wings a bit. Living in Orange County is wonderful, but I know the heart of the matter is that I just don't seem to fit in that type of world. I can make it work and I can excel within it (by God's grace) but I feel suffocated in the process. I think over the years I have become a wanderer. Maybe I was this way my whole life I just so often fought it because I wanted to fit in wherever I went. Now maybe I have come to the understanding that I am never going to fit in the way the world tells me I should.

Washington is beautiful even with snow covering most of it at the current moment. Now off to visit Vancouver and see what adventures we can have up there!

Christmas at Home

So tomorrow morning I get to make the wonderful 4 1/2 hour journey up the coast to the place I spent the first 18 years of my life. I treasure this place so much and I treasure it even more because of how consistently I am told it is one of the most beautiful places in California. And the more I think about it the more I have to agree. I am fortunate enough to return to a house filled with many wonderful memories and to a family that I love dearly.

It is going to rain Christmas Eve, but it is my hope it snows and there is a true possibility it could! Our house is at a high enough elevation that it has snowed before when it gets cold enough. The last time it snowed and left inches of snow to play in was when I was about 4 years old. People who love the snow and have lived in the area for a while will recall those moments with great fondness and with a tone that speaks, they hope it happens again.

Merry Christmas Everyone! Regardless of where you are in the world; I hope this season is filled with love, laughter, and moments of great joy as we celebrate the season in which we celebrate a birth that would forever change the history of the world.

Only You

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet

of You who's crowned

Take my life

Letting go

I lift it up

to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only You, Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

You're my delights

Be my everything

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only You, Lord

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will, I will bow down before You

Only You, Lord

And it's just You and me here now

Only You and me here now

And it's just You and me here now

Only You and me here now

You should see the view

When it's only You

~DCB

Sometimes when you allow certain words to sweep over you again and again you begin to truly believe them and embrace them. I laughed at the thought last night as I put this song on repeat to fall asleep to and thought of how my college roommates/friends would have totally detested me for it. Yet, I am so desperate for the reminder and believing that even my sleep can be impacted by the truth.

Old Hollywood

I grew up watching Van Johnson across the screen laughing at his very funny comedian style and admiring his ever serious roles as well. I knew he was getting old and know that no one lasts forever here...still doesn't take away the sting that death can have sometimes.

Decode

I think often some of my best writing happens at night in my dreams. I come up with the most witty comebacks, most expressive poems, and I am the most raw and open me. I don't hold back and I am not afraid of what others may think of my words.

I wrote a really good poem in my dream the other night. I remember the feeling attached to it when I woke up, a feeling of satisfaction too bad though I couldn't remember the exact words once I woke up. That part always seems to be the disheartening part. That I am actually quite good at something in my dreams, but the reality is a bit disappointing when I wake up. I wonder why God created dreaming. I think when I arrive in heaven it will be one of my top 10 questions to ask Him (not that it will really matters at that point in time, but for now I like to think it does). "How does dreaming actually work and what was your intention behind it?" Yup, definitely in my top 10.

The poem, I do remember was about a boy I haven't seen in ages. I wondered how he was doing and what he was doing. I told him I cared about him, because our last conversation really made me come across as one who did not. The words were just right and made the most expressive picture. I guess I just have to keep trying to make it a reality and not a dream.

Thanksgiving At Its Finest

I love it when we get together because through all of our ups and downs as a family we always know how to have a good time. Sometimes I forget how much I am like them and when I get around them it is a sweet reminder that I do belong, even if the belonging is temporary. I am thankful for this crazy Italian French family!

Seattle

This is my New Year's destination and I could not be more excited about it.

:)

Family

I love my family. Just spending these last few days with them reminds me of how far I feel down in Southern California, but one of the true joys that I feel when I am around them is that I get to see a bit more into their lives and what life is like for them on a daily basis. Today my Aunt, cousin, and myself went to one of their friend's houses to bake. It turned out to be an all day. I got a lot of great tips on what to do and what not to do when it comes to baking the most perfect pumpkin pie down to child rearing. But where I really felt I learned and got to express myself and see an even deeper side to my family was with their friend's younger daughter Susanna Rose. Can I just say thee cutest little girl! I truly wish I would have brought my camera along or a video camera, because this girl was a doll and a half and she knew it too. Susanna was adopted as a preemie drug baby. She is a about to be two years old and does not speak (as of yet). She will have issues her whole life, but this little girl was smart, funny, beautiful, and a total ham I might add. I watched as my Aunt longed in a way to have another child, saw the nurturing side to my 6 year old cousin, and realized even my own heart for the misfits in this world. Susanna will grow up to be very strong no doubt; her Mum won't let her get away with anything! She will also probably grow up to be a class clown and homecoming Queen! Family comes in many different ways; I am fortunate enough that I was born to loving parents who could not have asked for anything more in me (so they say :) ) same with my cousin. I get excited when I meet people like Kelly (Susanna's Mum) who had a heart to adopt someone like Susanna knowing her long term needs. I felt privileged to be a part of their daily routine, being able to spend time with the girls, become a bit more domestic in my ways, and relax a bit more in my own skin. Regardless of connections in this world I tend to be drawn to the fact that we are all family. It may seem a bit silly, but when it comes down to it we all originated from the same pair. I am blessed to see the world through my eyes and through the heart of a loving and compassionate God. I thought today as I woke Susanna up from her nap that it is probably often how God looks at me each and every morning. I am blessed to have family that extends beyond the DNA of my own unique family tree.

Silence and Stillness

I can't begin to find the words that I have been looking for over these last few years, but one constant concept that keeps coming around is silence and stillness. It is in these two places that I find more of myself and more of the patience and love of God that I seek on a daily basis. I am tired and my heart is tired. I am tired of calling out to God with the same plea, yet I know He is there each and every time I do and I know that my desires, hopes, and dreams are from Him and will be granted in the most perfect timing. That is...if I am willing to patient. If I am willing to stand still for a moment and to embrace the silence. To embody stillness and to stop running in the owe so many directions I like to run in.

Christmas is Coming...

Just a few of my favorite albums to bring on the Thanksgiving and Christmas season!

Rachel, Red Walls, Red Wine

So back in January when I got settled into life in Orange County again I began to make Monday nights my cooking nights. Over the summer I stopped my Monday night tradition, but decided to pick it up again last night. I had cooked over the summer, but nothing that took up too much time because I wanted to enjoy my time with friends and being outside. Now something to understand here is that I am not my Mother or Grandmother when it comes to cooking. Both of these women have an incredible sense of being able to throw something into a pot and have it come out tasting amazing...lets just say that would not happen for me. So over the last few years cook books have become great companions in the kitchen as well as starting my own recipe book with things I have tried or ideas I have gathered from friends. When I am in a book store and wandering through the cook book section I continually stumble upon Rachel's books. I love her conversational style, easy yet tasteful recipes, and the pictures (pictures ALWAYS help)!

While cooking my great pasta and veggie dish I was thinking about painting (the connection to both is that for me they are both therapeutic for me) and how much painting I did last year and how much more I want to do. Not only little canvases that hang around my room or in the back of my closet but walls. I had a really good conversation with a person who has crossed my path over time but there was a conversation we had about 3 years ago that continually is a mental image I carry with me. She explained about living life, taking chances, making changes...something like painting walls she explained. In her first big move, in her own place, she decided to go drastic and paint a key wall red. It was a vibrant beautiful color and something she thought reflected her life up to this point well. I asked her tonight if she had any red walls in her new place. She said no, but the colors she did have represented very much the same concept that her first red wall did. Metaphorically I am trying to create red walls and one day for a season I will have a red wall in my home just as a reminder of all those great metaphorical red walls I have created for myself in life.

After all my thoughts and cooking I finally had a chance to relax after a LONG Monday. I appreciate the life that has been given to me as a gift. It can be a true mess and often my "red walls" come out looking more purple than red, but hey what can you do but enjoy the view of purple walls for a season even if that is not what you meant to do!

BLAH

I truly dislike being sick and not the kind of sick where you are super sick you sleep most of the day. The kind of sick that allows you to still function yet you don't quite feel yourself. It is this kind of sick that can go take a flying leap off a cliff and away from me. Can you tell I am annoyed? Yep, annoyed sick girl here who just wants to feel better.

I Liked it so I am Posting it

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.

You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

William J. H. Boetcker (1942)
(Quoted by Ronald Reagan)