Memories of Days Gone Past

So back in 2002 I moved down to Southern California to attend college. I was scared. I put on the brave face to all my friends and family back home that I was this grown up, independent woman, who had nothing but adventure before her. Inside I was terrified and could not believe that I was actually doing this and if there was any way possible for me to get out of making this life altering move that it would happen, but it didn't.

So late in August I moved to Costa Mesa, CA with my parents in tow to help me get sorted and to see where I would be attending school for the next four years (at least that's what they thought, I knew better). About two days later we hugged in the parking lot adjacent to my dorm building, as we said our goodbyes and our comforting words that we would see each other soon I felt like I was ripping in half. I watched them drive away and it took everything in me to at least make it to the back door of the dorm building without collapsing in tears.

I made it.

Crawled up four flights of stairs, basically crawled down a hall, and made it too my room. Thank goodness my new roommate was out with her parents shopping for last minute room decor (it would have been an even harder transition having my roommate think I was crazy).

My world stopped for a moment that day. However, it kept going and I made good on those four years (because my parents actually knew better) by having one of the most life altering, adventuring seeking, college experiences ever.

Ashley (who is with me below) had a similar experience; we lived on the same floor, lived together at several points during college and have been friends for 7 years now; and it wasn't until tonight that we discovered with both felt the same exact way our first few weeks of college. Funny how we keep things inside and hold onto them. It would have been so much easier to know that there were others sitting in that boat along side me, but having gone through it has made me stronger, more adept to trusting God when pieces of my life are ripped away from me, and made me realize that the things I know I must forge ahead in (even though they may scare me a bit) are ultimately the best things that could have ever happened to me.

Here's to you my friend; may we often be placed in these moments of life altering and adventuring seeking seasons!

Bring It!

I have a strange sort of feeling that I am staring a huge storm in the eye. Back in the day when this season approached I would always find myself becoming nervous and wondering if I would make it to the end, but as more and more of these seasons have passed through my life I now know I can take on a lot more than I ever thought. So when I stare this season/storm in the face all I can say is, "bring it on", because I know its not going away, so I might as well deal with it, learn from it, and hopefully pass through it not too terribly beat up.

Makes Me Laugh

I don't know if this has ever happened to you were you chose something because you genuinely liked it and then all of the sudden it became the new "fad". I can remember a couple of times this happening to me. One in particular instance was when I was in junior high and I wanted to re-do my bedroom from the red, pink, and white theme to a sunflowers with a rich royal blue accent. My Mum and I went on this grand big hunt to find sunflower items and because we couldn't find much we ended up creating a lot of the stuff ourselves. Once the room was finished about a month later sunflowers were the new "it" item and were everywhere! My Mum liked to make the comment from then on out that I was an "it" girl. Same thing goes here (sort of)! Yes, I had seen Lord of the Rings and thought it was a beautiful country, but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get the chance to move there. Well, looks as though Air New Zealand is promoting that dream to people! http://www.thematchmakingflight.com/ Quite the deal they have going! I am so interested to know the kinds of people who will be doing this! And what kind of stories will come from promoting an event like this! :)

Good Morning Reality

Good morning reality nice to see you again, kind of. You are that solid foundation that I often wake up to and even though you may be my reality I know you can always change. You can be as daunting or as welcoming as I choose to make you. You are an ever present reminder to continue to moving forward and to continue to chase after my other dreams that I hope one day will be my reality. Until then, good morning my reality for the day. Hopefully we can work together to make it a great day.

Day Dreaming

Can't seem to focus my thoughts much these days...I thinkI need a holiday.

Battered and Beautiful

I don't even know where to begin, except to say that I have an incredible group of females that surround my life. Women who love the LORD, are passionate about the things that God is passionate about, love with all they have, give away of themselves in a way that touches the heart to let you know you are not alone. They are brave, true, beautiful, and strong. Yet, for all of these women they have come across seasons and situations that leave them bruised, battered, and feeling alone. My heart breaks for their stories and I carry the weight (a weight I know I should not) but I think if handled carefully it is a part of God that He has given to me, to truly feel the brokenness of these women in a way that enables me to pray for them with true and genuine emotion and fervor.

To you, the women I love and I am so thankful to call family these words of affirmation and encouragement are for you.

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe." Psalm 61:1-3

"Because he loves me, says the LORD, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91: 14-16

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." John 15:7 & 8

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid for I am with you..." Isaiah 43: 4-5a

This is the truth that we so often discuss and exchange with one another. As you sleep I pray it resonates within you so that you are filled with hope. A hope and a protection that can not come from any other.

I love you. Sleep well dear friends.

Putting the Pieces Together

The image above happens to be a 1000 piece puzzle currently resting on our kitchen table. It has been there roughly 2 months now and slowly but surely we are finding pieces that match up with one another that create this spectacular view. However, even when I take the time of, oh lets say, 5 hours of searching out pieces and trying to place them together I still don't quite finish the puzzle, which can leave me feeling quite devastated, but also gives me something to look forward to for the next day. A type of treasure hunt to find pieces that go with other pieces.

I like to use analogies that express and share my life story. Not sure many people would be too interested in my life if I just gave the boring day to day facts that make it up. And the general analogy that I think I always preferred was one that my life is like a quilt and slowly the pieces are coming together to fashion and create this great piece of artwork; but I don't quite agree with that anymore. My life is like a puzzle. I think in some ways everything is all here, but it is putting it all together that takes time and energy. It takes different people that come along and take their section of the puzzle and invest into putting it together, sharing their perspective in my life. It takes me sometimes stewing over things for seasons only to let it go, move on, and come back to it later but with a fresh perspective.

Yup, my life is like a puzzle. A beautiful, colorful, imaginative puzzle that is invested in, poured into, and still definitely in the works of being completed.

Happy Birthday Dad!!

My parents have been a huge influence over my entire life, but over the last year in particular. Maybe now I am only able to grasp this reality because I am older and realize that hey, I just might not know everything. This particular thought relates mainly to my Dad.

He is a man who shares very few words, but when he does they are powerful and mean so much. He has provided for me and more my whole life. He has been there when I succeeded and fallen short. He has loved me beyond what any daughter could imagine (because believe it or not I was not always the up-standing citizen I am today).

He has given me an appreciation for music, golf, the outdoors, and most importantly God. He may not always express himself in the ways I easily receive, but there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me very much and has since the day I was born.

Happy Birthday Dad (a day late)! I love you so very much and could not have asked God for better in the department of Dad's!

Runaway Car

Stop this runaway car
I want to get off, I want to go back
If I left you there then I left it all behind

'Cause all I'm feeling now
Is the weight of the world bearing down
I don't have answers for any of my questions anymore

'Cause I might have been wrong
I might have been scared, all alone
I might have been standing on the top of the world
What a difference a day makes
I turned and watched you walk away
I might have been standing on the top of the world
'Cause I might have been wrong

Tail lights and a seat on the right
And a losing fight, into the night
Oh all the wild horses running down my veins

It's one word and the softest eyes
You say you'll wait and I go hide
If you're still there then you're still all I want

Because I might have been wrong
I might have been scared, all alone
I might have been standing on the top of the world
What a difference a day makes
[ Mat Kearney Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
I turned and watched you walk away
I might have been standing on the top of the world
'Cause I might have been wrong

I might have been wrong
Might have been wrong
Might have been
Might have been

Stop this runaway car
If we're not that gone and we're not that far
If I left you there then I left it all behind

'Cause I might have been wrong
I might have been scared, all alone
I might have been standing on the top of the world
What a difference a day makes
I turned and watched you walk away
I might have been standing on the top of the world
'Cause I might have been wrong

I might have been wrong
Might have been wrong
Might have been
Might have been
Might have been wrong

~Mat Kearney

Beloved

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you’re afraid I might see
You’ve been running away from me

You’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It’s a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I‘m the giver of life
I’ll clothe you in whine
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me

You’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me

Well you’ve been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won’t satisfy
Won’t you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you’ll taste new life

Cause you’re my beloved
Lover I’m yours
Death shall not part us
It’s you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we’ll be
Our Love it unites us
And it binds you to me

You’re my beloved
Forever we’ll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It’s a mystery
It’s a mystery

~Tenth Avenue North: Beloved

Two Worlds

As of late I can't seem to get over how I don't quite feel myself. Lately I feel as though I am catching myself having these out of body moments where I look back on myself and wonder who that girl is. There are parts of her that I cherish dearly and there are parts of her that I don't even recognize. Given I feel as though my life has been flipped upside down the last 3 months; with two house guests from New Zealand (which was lovely) and then traveling more with work I think a part of myself got a bit lost in all the shuffle. Mentally I feel exhausted and not quite sure I can keep up, but I know I will. Somehow through all of this I will find that quiet and still place. That place where I can hear the silent whisper of a voice that brings a sense of peace and restoration to a soul unlike anything else. It is in between these two worlds where I truly wish to exist one day forever.

*picture courtesy of woot

Extending A Hand

Often I sit back in church and get really excited for those getting sent out even when it is in the local community. My heart has been driven for so long to extend myself beyond border lines, but I realize there is so much set before me and so many set before me who don't know the LOVE I know and the grace that I live in. South County excites me and even if it is a temporary summer bond between LakeHills and Rock Harbor I am ok with that, because it has just opened my eyes to being present right where I am and the willingness to shift my view this season to local rather than abroad. Here is to communities coming alongside one another and to being present to the needs that surround us.

Newport 61

One of my sweeter spots in Orange County. I used to go here every Wednesday after class my sophomore year of college. It was nice to revisit the stretch of beach as I have found other beaches more centrally located to where I live, but still nice to go back to a place that I have so many wonderful memories at. Photo shoots for friends, quite times with God, conversations with friends where we challenged life and each other, a place where I could be myself, a place where we tried breaking the rules by staying past 10pm while hiding under a blanket as the coast police passed by, and a place where I grew up a bit. It is quite nice to go back to certain places only remembering the good.

New Camera!

Can you tell I was little excited about it? Also, this was my creative way of showing one of my best friends what kind it was since my communication skills were off in the department of describing what kind it was. Yay for new cameras and not having to wait two minutes to take pictures one right after the other!

Joel

Ever have those moments where you know something is going to happen, regardless of how small or big; and deep down inside you are on the look out and somewhat anticipation for it? Well that was me while waiting in the Las Vegas airport.

I knew the flight home would be packed; not like my empty flight going to Vegas. There also was a guy in a military uniform who kept passing by where I had situated myself close to a window area away from the gate. Each time he passed he reminded me of the men and women I know serving our country and wondered what his story was. And that was it. I knew I was going to find out. However, there was a part of me that just didn't want to know. I was tired and worn out and just wanted to have my 30 minutes plane ride with my ipod and some shut eye. So I was determined to let the thought go. Great guy I am sure. Thanks for serving our country. But that would not be the case.

I lost sight of military man and got in line for the quick ride home. Took about 10 minutes just to make it to the door of the plane and walked myself all the way to the back of the plane where my carry on would fit up top (everything else was full by this point since the flight had been overbooked!) and low and behold the only seat left after turning my back was right next to military man.

I can't tell you how it all happened; but I can tell you that for the next 45 minutes I heard this man's incredible story. The courtship between him and his wife. His beautiful children. His heart for God. Entering the military to pay for Seminary. His thoughts on his Jewish father and Protestant mother. It was amazing. I knew something would happen and to be honest I didn't want it to happen, because I was tired. I was tired and I knew God was going to call me to do something and He did. To pray. To remember Joel's story and all that tied into it. Joel knew it too. He knew we were meant to meet even just for those brief 45 minutes. I got the chance to watch Joel be reunited with his wife and young daughter after being separated for 3 months. Can I just say it brought me to tears. God amazes me with His timing and His faithfulness. Joel and his stories were gifts to me and he and his family will not be forgotten in my prayers.

Las Vegas

Las Vegas; it has a mind all of its own, but even in the craziness of this city I was able to have some great moments. I think one of my favorites was the last night of our business trip. We went to the Stratosphere and had dinner at the very top. It was an incredible view that gave you a whole look at the city throughout your entire dinner. Pretty cool concept if you ask me.

After these two weeks of constant travel it is nice to be back home for a few weeks, but I must say it was a welcome distraction. I have had a lot on my mind this past month and a half and my thoughts have only increased. I am a thinker by nature, always have been and probably will continue to be. So thankfully I have company coming for two weeks and another work trip down to San Diego...I am kind of banking on these distractions just so my brain can get a break from all the thinking and over-thinking that I do especially since I have gotten home!

Well off to bed, where I actually just might get some sleep; after trying to sleep in a city that surely does not sleep.

Colorado

Life truly has a funny way of changing things up for you. I got the chance to spend some time in Colorado close to Denver this week for work. The last time I had been in the Denver area was in 2005 when one of my close girl friends and I took a road trip from her home there, back to college in California.

I had been to Colorado when I was little but hadn't really remembered much from that trip with my parents (plus we had covered several other states, so everything kind of clumps together). Over the period of time we spent before our road trip back to school I came to the conclusion that Colorado was not for me. It was a great place, but I felt somewhat claustrophobic...I have a love of water, big bodies of water, and Colorado just didn't have that. Anyways, it has become a running joke within my close circle of friends to mock the fact that I feel claustrophobic within a state.

So when I found out I was going back to Colorado I decided to go with an open mind and give it another chance. And I did exactly that. Within my week in Colorado I came to admitting that I liked it, I liked it a lot more than I had. Colorado had its unique beauty and charm. The people were warm and friendly. And I had the chance to experience what seemed to be three seasons all within the same day. Just goes to show that anything is truly possible.

Life and It's Little Surpises

So I had a visitor come from New Zealand and spend three weeks with me, but after those three great adventuring weeks were over my world went into over-drive. I got on a plane the very next day for Denver, Colorado. Now some of you know my feelings for Colorado, but I will save those thoughts for another blog. So after landing, getting my rental car with an incredible GPS system, I made my way to the hotel out in Broomfield. I got settled that night, ordered room service, and slept like a log; it was wonderful.

I had left my curtains open just a tad and when my eyes adjusted the next morning I thought I saw rain pouring down (which I had expected since I had checked weather.com about 10 times before leaving California). I made my way over to the curtains to discover it was not rain, but a light snow storm...an unexpected snow storm by all. It truly was something wonderful to experience, since snow is not a common occurrence in Orange County and well I enjoy a little bit of snow here and there!

Hello Out There

Can you hear me?

Can you possibly be out there as I stand hear yelling?

The echos of so many stories

So many aching and broken hearts

Can you hear this?

Can you hear this my truly raw and unbridled story

This is me and this is who I am

Can you hear me?

As I take one step farther and farther away

How is this possible and how can it be?

Hello out there, can you even hear me?

Standing here on the edge watching the lights change color

Sitting hear in the car with nothing but mist and water in my view

It wasn't supposed to be like this

It wasn't meant to ache and somewhat break like this

Hello out there

Can you hear me?

Come back.

Sleepless Nights

You bring out the best in me
You show up and are present
You tell funny jokes
You bring out the lighter and not so serious side of me
You affirm me when I fall down
You speak right to me and don't ever seem to miss a beat
You are the reason I can't sleep at night
You are the reason why my brain won't slow down or turn off
It is you I owe these sleepless nights too
These truly wonderful sleepless nights that I would not trade for anything
Because before I know it
I will be sleeping again
Only to be missing you and wishing for another sleepless night

Collide

In one day I now know two other people in your circle of friends. And it’s always interesting when people bring their friends, who otherwise probably wouldn’t have any contact with each other, together somehow…because at that moment, three different “Heidi”s collided, a different perception of you from each friend. I wonder how you felt.=)

What We Are Made Of

When we take risks and don't know the outcome of the risk yet are still willing to follow through shows a lot of who we are as human beings. I am constantly amazed by those who are a part of my life and willing to take risks regardless of the outcome. Thanks Grae for being one of those truly amazing people.

Pink Elephant

So we all know the situations where there is a HUGE pink elephant standing in the room and it seems to follow you in and out, yet no one is really willing to address the fact of your constant companion. Frustrating isn't it?

Over the last few months I have constantly realized my own large companion in several different situations yet have been unable to address it and come to find out I wasn't alone in my thoughts and feelings. Others that I work with and friends have been telling me their stories of awkward moments, how it feels like a fog following them around, and other anaologies. Somedays I wish (like yesterday) I could just yell out what the issue/problem is and have it resolved right then and there, alas, life is a bit more complicated than that. There are politics, pride, and just a certain safety net sometimes in ignoring it.

Maybe today will be the day where I confront the BIG pink elephant in the room or maybe I will just wait another day... :)

Seat Right Here

Sometimes I wish you would be the one to sit right there, instead of everyone else that has crossed your life within the last few years.

I want to pick your mind, not hear about all that has happened to them because of you.

I want to pick your mind and get your view.

I care, but only like one cares about the plot in the story and when the story is over they are able to set the book down and move on.

That is how much I care.

I care about the plot I know and the story that was started, but nothing beyond that.

So if you ever happen to cross my path and see a seat next to me.

Take it; because I want the end to the story that was started.

Things of Importance, Things of the Past

Redemption finds its funny way into my life. I remember back at the beginning of college I had grown my hair out super long and loved it. Then at some point in my junior year I decided to chop it off. I held a lot of value in my hair and to part with it was not easy and therefore I had to do it stages. My hair carried not only worth, but in my eyes memories, compliments, things I held dear and I knew for my sake and for the sake of growing up and moving forward in life I needed a fresh start. So off went the hair. Over the last few years it has grown back out, but in some ways it didn't hold the same value it once had. So that is why it was easy when one of my bosses told me she had breast cancer and would soon have to cut her hair and ultimately shave her head to be fitted for a wig that I decided to donate again but not because I needed a fresh start, but I wanted her to know she wasn't alone. Even though she may be older in years than me she resembles how I was in those first few years of college. She hides behind the beauty that her hair brings her, but truly, with or without the hair she is gorgeous. She is a beautiful mother of two who has a love for life and is a fighter. I know over these next few months and years it will be rough and I know she is going to have to fight in a way that she has never before. She has brought a great reminder into my life of how short time can be and how I better live each day being purpose filled and living in a way that gives back. I find it interesting how fear tends to make us funny, as in lets tell jokes and maybe that will ease the fear; and that is her. But over these last few days I have watched her break in ways that allows love to sweep in and remind her that she is never alone. Here is to you my brave, wonderful, and beautiful friend.

Photos Unlocked

So at some point in the last 2 months my photo card reader went missing in our house. I have searched high and low and to no avail it has gone to where missing things go. So today I finally made my trip to best buy to purchase a new one. So please enjoy the a random selction of photos that have been sitting in my camera since October!

World's Largest 25th Birthday Cupcake!

And she wins!

The glorious day of turning 25!

Wild Animal Park :)

Oreo Mud Cake

Valentine's Day Love

My FIRST apple pie made from scratch!

Smores :)

Snow in Lynden!

Seattle

Christmas time at home :)

Best Best

Total thug :)

Hollywood Fun!

Skyline

Happy Birthday Mum!!

Happy Birthday Mum! I love you so much and I am so thankful for the life you have been given!!

Ava

Meet my two year old second cousin Ava Marie. She is adorable, sweet, and strong willed. I spent this past weekend with her and her sister Siena Noel and I have to say there is something pretty amazing hanging out with little girls their age. Their ability to live in imaginary worlds, love with every little inch they have, and truly just be themselves was pretty fun to watch and be a part of during the weekend.

I watched Ava a lot over the weekend and there was something about her that was so captivating. I told my cousin Steve that I could just sit there for hours and watch her; whether it be sleeping, going down the slide a hundred times, or playing peek-a-boo with her as she latched onto her Daddy. Ava has this ability to be genuinely herself and being a 25 year old it was something that I wish I had more of like this little 2 year old. I would almost say, I want to grow up to be like Ava with a little more life experience :)

They have not always been my closest side of the family but it was a pretty special weekend getting to hang out with my cousin and his family. We are twelve years apart so it always made "hanging" a little bit different or nonexistent. But this weekend was filled with hanging out, catching up, riding bikes along the beautiful California Coast, climbing big hills, and swinging on swing sets...so much fun!