I Can Do Bad All By Myself

I enjoy Tyler Perry and his films. The title strikes me because it is so true of how I can be through this life (at least this far). The film itself was one of Perry's best (at least in my opinion). It gives a great stage for showing how we can allow our baggage claim who we are, but even in that season a certain level of grace is extended like any other.

Between a Rock and a Growing Place

I feel a bit broken and I was hoping that I would never feel this way again, but here I am, heart in my hands wondering how did I let this happen?

I love my family very much (great sentence to start with after that opener, aye?). It is true though, I love them more than words will ever be able to express, but they above any other in this world have the power to crush me in an unexplainable way.

I had great intentions of going home this weekend to celebrate my wonderful Mum's birthday only to be sidelined with criticism, tension, and pain. My entire extended family as a whole has been really beat up this past year with certain set backs, hospital visits, a struggling economy; from aunts, to uncles, to grandpas it seems as though everyone has taken a hit and so I know that some of this tension stems from things in this life that we have no control over. Yet, I also know it comes from choices we make, attitudes we choose to carry, pride that we can not set aside.

I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. I am at fault for being critical and bitter; for not praising or encouraging my family where I should. I guess my angst comes from the idea that I viewed my family to be "perfect" and I treated them as such, but the reality is just like me they too are not perfect. Each and every one of them has their own story, their own grievances, things that make them tick and we as a family don't really know all these ends and outs and therefore have a way of hurting each other so deeply because of it.

This situational season will pass and I will gain ultimately a bit more strength because of it, but the ache that it leaves within me is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

Bringing in Space

I live a life that propels me in many different directions all at once. At least I did. Now in this current state of the simple life I have room to think and I am not entirely sure I like what I am thinking.

I am doubting my dreams. I am settling into a place that is half of who I am. I was created for more or at least created to give more and be more than what I am dishing out to the world.

I don't know if I like "space" all that much. Maybe it would be better to go back to my 24/7 constant constant, ever so constant life.

Then again maybe not.

Maybe I need this space more than I realize and facing all of this head on is going to help me establish what my true dreams are and what it is I am supposed to be pouring out into the world while I am here.

Love, Save the Empty

The

Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn't teach me.
Little boys don't know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn't show me.

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.

Again, the false attention.
Again, you're breaking inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, save me.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty.

Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we're fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.

Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty, and save me.
And save me.

*Erin McCarley

It really is the tune that has caught my attention and as I read through the lyrics they break my heart, because it is a real good representation of my earlier years in life; but it also reminds me of how thankful I am to know what true love is and where it truly comes from.

A Journey of a Different Color

Lately I have been having this notion that my life has been a bit colorless lately. It's not that I don't have things going on that make my world not colorful, because after the start to this year and the few blogs I have already shared, it sure has been a "colorful" start to the year.

I think ultimately what I am gauging at is, inside. To the outside world I am doing my best to exude colors, but on the inside I feel rather grey. Maybe it has to do with work and the growing discouragement I feel mounting there. Or maybe it has to deal with my recent isolated life that I am having to live out right now. I am seeking God with all that I have and pouring everything that I am before Him. Sharing my fears and my unbelief. It is my unbelief that I hate revealing before God...ie..."are you truly going to come through like you have promised you would?" But who I am to even ask such a thing? But like I said, above most things this is the one topic that I try and "hide" from God because of the true foolishness behind the whole concept.

Regardless of it all...this is my journey (hence the title of the blog:)) be it grey, magenta, aqua, black, yellow...this is it and maybe this section of the journey is all about the cultivation of a new kind of color.

Breathing Room

Finally in the midst of a crazy start to 2010 I feel as though I have found some breathing space of my own. For sure I was able to find some in New Zealand, but I knew the time there was limited so to be able to find space here at home, I am grateful. With having the move, a work trip, my Grandpa being hospitalized just to name a few things it is nice to have this down time and to really grasp what I have been walking through and to be able to come to some sort of peaceful place before moving on to whatever else 2010 has to throw at me.

I think like so many I was expecting 2010 to have a much cleaner start than 2009, but as I have referenced it to a friend I believe this to be a fire and favor year. In order to really have a grasp of what favor is you must first walk through the fire and go through a refinement process. Yes it may be painful, but I like to think through this process I am never truly burnt just heated until a certain level of perfection. True examples being Daniel who was thrown in the lions den who was not devoured or Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego who were thrown into the furnace and not burnt or even singed. So for now, I take in this space and the time it allows me to just be, as I let the old fade away and gain a better more grateful heart for what I have been given.

New Neighborhood

So it is official I am in the new place and getting used to my "new" yet somewhat familar surroundings. Ladera is a lot like Irvine; however it is more situated up against the hills which provide a great place to explore as I took the time yesterday to do (a much needed break from all the unpacking!).

I have to say these Ladera/Irvineish neighborhoods make me laugh a little bit because any time I go for a walk I can't help but think of movies like Pleasantville where life and the atmosphere surrounding these neightborhoods is one that gives off the idea of perfection. Always a bit strange and funny to me, but here I am. Home for the next 6 months.

Embracing the Unknown

Let me just start by saying that I had a great plan for when I got home from New Zealand. It was to sleep and not think. To sleep as long as my body possibly needed and to shut out the world for a few days and recharge my battery. Needless to say I got part of my wish; I got one solid night of sleep as well as getting to shut out the world while I attempted to make sense of the fact that I had to move out of what had been my home the last two years in just under a week.

Through circumstances unpreventable to my roommate and I we had to be out by March 1st. Did I mention I got this news 4 hours after landing? In my head I had to act fast, because I knew it was the goal to truly be out of the house before March 1st. Within 24 hours a girlfriend of mine and I had a place. She was struggling at her current place and is planning a wedding for August, so when we came together we decided to move into a place that her and her fiance will be calling home, which in turn means another move for me (but that is not what this entry is about...lets just take it one move at a time :)).

So over the last week I pretty much left my New Zealand bags packed, and starting grabbing boxes from work, friends, and packing up my little world. I knew 2010 was going to hold a lot of change, but I don't think my brain was in the place to start right away, but isn't that how life works sometimes? We aren't entirely ready but we get pushed out there and just have to jump and hope for the best?

I think towards the end of last year I started to question where I was standing, where I was going, and what tangible things really needed to change in my life. If this had been my choice I would have eased into it, like when you get into a spa, you don't just jump right in, you ease your way in. I like to think about things, then plan, then execute. But this is my year to just jump right in and embrace the unknown all while yelling "come on in the waters fine" :) The great thing about it all is that I know I am not alone. I have a God who has stood by me and provided in ways that I didn't even know how to ask for provision. I have great, loyal, and funny friends who are willing to jump right in the water with me and wade through whatever may come next, because believe me I know there is more to come.

I challenged God many nights ago in a courtyard looking up at the stars that I did not want to live a "cookie cutter" life and in some ways I wish I could take it back. "Cookie cutter" is safe, secure, and has a certain level of consistency that I crave. But He didn't listen and in other ways I am glad He didn't. My life is very much its own level of "cookie cutterness" to keep me sane, but it is moments and seasons like this that remind me I am very much apart of this life and I have a purpose and I need to wake up and embrace it or else I am going to have woken up and life will have just passed me by.

Welcome to my home for the next 6 months :)

The Great Goodbye

This is going to hurt and that just down right bites.

Sunnier Days

Who would have thought you and me?
Placing one an one together
I was coaxing a broken and wounded heart
Never really taking the time to look up
My eyes captured all the sights and sounds
But never truly saw the life behind those eyes
Those deep blue ever so capturing eyes
You saw me for me
And that was all I ever wanted
Yet I walked away without a care to my name
But you didn't let me go
You fought long and hard for your chance
So who would have thought you and me?
Because we both know it wasn't me :)
But I want you to know...
I see you for who you truly are
I am no longer blinded by the wounds or the scars
No longer fearful of the pain this could cause
I see you standing before me
And I now think who couldn't imagine you and me

Welcome to Reality

Being back in New Zealand I tend to do this whole flash back thing when Kristin and I were living here. I go back to memories we made, the lives that we had here, the friendships that we cultivated. And now I as I sit here two (going on three) years removed I realized this place helped me grow up.

My Mum specifically likes to tease me about my love of the "Peter Pan" story and how her Heidi girl just never wanted to grow up. She would give you examples throughout my whole life on how I tried to delay the growing up process. We can laugh about it now, but through each of those "lets not grow up moments" I always struggled and wrestled with the idea of what it meant to grow up. This place forced me to adapt in ways I never had to before and in an environment unfamiliar to me, with my main support system being thousands of miles away, and truly even if I did try and reach out there would have been nothing they could have done to assist me in the process.

But now having been back in the states I think I transferred the attitude that I had here in New Zealand to life at home. Take chances. Yes, it may be a risk and it may hurt, but then again it could totally be worth it. Learn to say yes to new things and random adventures rather than always living by the book. Take ahold of your responsibilities and follow through with them with a certain level of joy rather than passiveness.

I still get a kick out of my year in New Zealand because I realize that many don't get opportunities like that. Not many get the chance to start their "grown up" adventure, whatever that may look like, living in a culture quite different to their own. New Zealand was a great playground of sorts, but it was also my own unique way of waking up to reality and realizing that growing up was inevitable and I could either fight it or learn to enjoy the process. Coming back here reminds me of this, so with it comes some sadness to know I am even farther along in this journey, but also a greater anticipation of what is to come.

Sunshine and Cloudy Days

I love being able to say I don't have an agenda. I think often my planner runs me...which I am not the biggest fan of, but it helps me stay on track and not go crazy with my often crazy life.

This place doesn't call for that. Hang outs happen with people without having to book it weeks out, coffee dates can happen mid day, life just seems to be slower here no matter the weather, the season, or just time of day.

I take great joy in the fact that I get to come to this place. Adventure around and meet new people all while reconnecting with the old. Its as though I felt stale and weary and walking right off that plane into people's arms I loved it was like a fresh breath of air all while being handed the best tasting glass of water.

New Zealand is incredible. You should come for a visit!

Like Coming Home

Being back in New Zealand truly has felt like a coming home in a way. I was not entirely sure it would be this way but it has with so much more attached to it.

My first two days were filled with rain and wind, just like when Kristin and I first arrived to Wellington. In the last 48 hours it has been a whirl wind of reunions with friends (new and old) and just getting time to spend with Grae. Each moment has been filled with a certain level of sweetness and moments where it feels as though I never left or I just went on a real long holiday.

There have been certain things that made me a bit nervous, like making sure I caught the right bus to the right place (so far so good!) and just being open to whatever might come my way...including making friends with strangers!

I think it is in my nature to make friends with people I don't know...to hear their stories and catch a glimpse of who they are. I had the chance to meet John Williams, as I sat in the sun along Wellington's harbor. He used to own the 2nd largest bus and car distribution in New Zealand. He is older now and retired, living life with his wife on Oriental Parade, and about to go on a lovely Mediterranean cruise in April. It is moments like these that make me miss New Zealand...a certain level in people that are willing to share and be open and honest with someone they don't know. Whether it is just me or just being in this place I don't really know, all I know is that I have missed it and it is wonderful to be back.

Divided Heart

As I am approaching my trip to New Zealand I can't help but in some ways feel divided. I think it comes down to the fact that there is so much change that is taking place in my life here and I know with this impending trip only more change will added to it.

Also, the fact is that someone I love very dearly is moving out of state the day I jump on a plane and travel half way around the world to others that I love dearly. I know I am entitled to have all these thoughts and emotions stored up, but I think it is the fact that I feel as though I can't be completely present in one particular place...I am divided. I know in time I will sort through it and figure it out, but it's an entirely new phase with so many more unknowns attached to it.

The Approaching Desert

I had the chance to take a lovely walk with a friend the other night. And on this walk we discussed bits of our lives as they are now, love how well receive it and don't receive it, and where we are standing with God at the moment. Through our conversation about the latter I explained that about 4 or 5 months ago I sensed I would be walking through a rather dry season in my life, but I sensed a difference to all the other dry seasons I had walked before.

I had a complete understanding that God would be walking along side me and would not be leaving me, but it would be as though we were walking in silence. I don't know how many of you have ever walked these kinds of seasons where you feel alone, weighted down, and no real sense of direction. I think I come across it at least once or year or every other year where it truly settles into my life.

As my friend and I made our way to sit by the ocean we decided to fight through the apathy that had somewhat smothered us and give God what little we had. As we prayed for one another and encouraged each other in where we were both standing as individuals I got this true sense that I am really starting to learn things, take them to heart, and applying them to my life. It truly is an exceptional feeling when lessons start to sink in and I finally take hold of what I am supposed to.

What a Way to Start a New Decade

Click on people's faces in the photo to tag them.

*Photo courtesy of E.R.

It was a wonderful evening spent with dear friends and a great way to ring in the new decade. I know this decade is going to look far different than the two I have already traveled through, but I am looking forward to what is ahead!

Happy 2010!

May it be a year and a decade filled with far more than you could have ever hoped, imagined, or prayed for!

Blessings and Love,
HN

Tis the Season...

To give away.

I often forget or I grow complacent of where I live and how much I have been given.

I grew up in a family that didn't necessarily give away things to every homeless person or person in need we met, but I did grow up with the outlook of we have so much, so keep your eyes open and a sense of where you can be used to fill someones tangible need.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I was taking a friend home from a cookie party we has just gone to. When we arrived at her house and as we walked in her husband began to explain that there was a homeless girl who was planning on sleeping in their apartments car-park. Now in Orange County, especially Irvine, you don't see many homeless people; there are reasons for that, but I won't get into it on this entry. As I walked outside, I saw her huddled up between the corner and the wall trying to escape the wind. I walked back inside had the husband look up the closest homeless shelter within walking distance and walked back out to my car to grab the tin of cookies I had just received from the exchange. I grabbed the tin, the piece of paper with the shelter information, and a bottle of water.

As I approached her I thought she might back away a bit, but as I got closer I found her to be dosing off as she tried to sleep sitting up. As I got her attention she moved with little energy. I asked her name. Sharon she told. She had been on the streets for about a month and was getting placed in a shelter in two days, but till then had no where to go. I explained to her she could stay there for the night, but in the morning there was shelter within walking distance that she could stay for the next night before getting placed into her more permanent shelter. She was grateful. I handed her then tin of cookies and a little money I slipped inside as well as the water bottle. I ashamedly in a way explained that I was sorry it wasn't more and with the most sincere response she looked right at me and smiled at me saying this was the most anyone had done for her in many months. My heart twisted a bit.

Sharon left the next morning my friend told me. I have no idea where she is and how she is, but it is my prayer that she is safe and warm. It is my hope and prayer that our one night encounter changed and shifted something within her and God meets her on this rough and rugged journey she is on.

Tis the season to give away...regardless of what little I may have.

Seasons

I think that I have to have at least one of these entries once a year...or maybe a couple times a year. This has been a year of great change around me...not so much for myself, but for those that have surrounded my life for many years now. As of the new year approaching three of my dearest friends will have moved out of the state and on to new sections in their lives. I think that when I see these changes taking place for those that surround my life it makes me wonder if I am next or maybe I need to start looking towards moving on and away from this place that I know in its own way has become my own comfort zone?

Who would have thought Orange County would have become that for me? I can recall eight years ago that, that statement couldn't be anything farther from the truth...but it is amazing what a little time will do.

Change can be hard. The passing of seasons and the patience to get through them can be hard. I used to think that when these seasons came around that I was the one being left behind in all of it, I don't think that so much anymore, but more focus on the element of what direction am I supposed to be heading towards if all of these changes are happening around me. I guess time will tell...it always does.

Christmas Cheer

The older I get the more I realize I have to start standing up for what I believe in. I may be put in certain environments that have rules and regulations about how I vocalize my beliefs but when it comes to being out of the those environments I have to remember who I am and what it is that I believe. Christmas is a special time for me, my family, and many of my friends. Christmas is about being together and remembering that the reason we celebrate is because of a baby who entered this world and was the ultimate gift.

I get discouraged in a way when I am forced to dim my cheer and enthusiasm for the season. This Christmas season is teaching me a lot about myself and a lot about the world around me. But I also realize that I can't let those influence change me and rob me of the joy of why I celebrate this time of year.

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"--which means, "God with us."

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him."

When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. When he had called together all the people's chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Christ was to be born. "In Bethlehem in Judea," they replied, "for this is what the prophet has written: "'But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for out of you will come a ruler who will be the shepherd of my people Israel.'" Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him."

After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed.

On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.

When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. "Get up," he said, "take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him."

So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: "Out of Egypt I called my son."

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: "A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more."

After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, "Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child's life are dead."

So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets: "He will be called a Nazarene."

--Matthew 1:18 - 2:23 New International Version

Cal

I love my Dad and I love when I get to catch glimpses of things that insprire him and make him happy. This past weekend was one of those moments. We had some time to kill before I had to catch a plane back to Orange County after Thanksgiving and it just so happened to be close enough to wander around his old Alma Mater in Berkley. As we walked around the campus and the campus community my Dad lit up in a way I hadn't seen in ages. He showed my Mum and I where all his classes had been, where he and his buddies used to hang out, as well as several of the dormitories he was housed in. It was a pretty special afternoon for us as a family and I could tell it was specifically special for my Dad. He isn't the most expressive person so when it comes to walking around and sharing a portion of his life that myself and my Mum were never apart of I knew it held great meaning for him.