Learning

2 + 2 = 4

Touching the inside of an oven when it's on hurts

Honesty is the best policy

We all go through hard seasons

Getting your heart broken doesn't mean you are broken forever

Genuine laughing helps ease my painful moments

Insurance goes up when you move away from small towns into big towns

We all have things to be thankful for

Apples I am convinced keep doctors away

Learning doesn't end once you have a piece of paper in a pretty holder

God forgives and God loves and that is what I am learning right now

Milky Way

It is the thing I can't help but do when I am at home and I know there isn't a full moon. I wait until really late at night, grab a blanket, and a pillow; and I lay out on our back lawn. The view from my backyard looking up at the night sky is incredible. Something that so often I hear scares people, draws me in. It's this vast wide open space and there are these millions of little lights (to me at least) hanging in the sky. I have done this since as far back as my mind will carry me and whether I am up at home on the Central Coast of California or standing on the outskirts of a large city in Orange County I hope I continue to do it.

Bleach

It has that distinct and very clear smell. I didn't use to like the smell of bleach growing up but something about it in my middle years of life has caused me to appreciate the smell. It signifies cleanliness...something I very much appreciate in many different ways. I appreciate when our place of living is clean, when my room is clean, when my office space is clean, when I am clean, when my heart and soul are clean. Right now I would have to say though I need a good dousing of bleach on me. I phrased it to someone the other night as the "walking wounded" and I truly hate being that way. I truly dislike the steps that have lead me to this place where I am standing. Yet again, God ever so gently and kindly reminds me that He is the bleach in my life. Every morning He provides something that no other human in my life can provide. I am so human, disgusting, and hurting. Yet I am forgiven, loved, and found to be treasured. Life and the seasons in it are beyond anything I can truly put into words. But I continue to walk through it so that has to say something right? Now on that note...off to clean the oven.

Peacocks

:)

Hard Times

So currently my Facebook status is set as "Heidi is still wondering". And many people have asked what is it that I am wondering about. And what I am wondering is, just about life in general. I am wondering about cancer that is consuming people I know. Tragic deaths and heart break. Loneliness. Politics. World power. Revelation. History. These are just a few of the thoughts running through my mind at the present moment. I know hard times have always been around, but as we sat around a living room the other night, my girl friends and I discussed how life used to be so much more "simple". All these elements were there, but there has been a level of complexity that has been added to the mix. Whenever I begin to think about these topics. I feel as though I am standing in the middle of an intersection knowing full well that life isn't going to "slow down" as I try to understand them a bit more; but sometimes I am given an empty intersection. It's still an intersection that represents a way for life to quickly pass by, but this empty intersection enables me to think through it and not rush through it. Life is interesting to me and as I keep living it out I think on that thought...that this crazy life is so incredibly interesting.

9:27

I should be in bed or at least getting ready for bed.

I have discovered over the last two years that I am an 8 hour sleep kind of girl. I did horrible things to my body throughout college. Forcing it to function on 30 minute cat naps before turning in a HUGE paper, talking to all hours of the morning only to realize the night had passed by, driven around till the sun came up just so you could catch a glimpse of that first morning light. Yes, I did horrible things to my body, but that produced some great memories and stories! Needless to say I think I can survive on 7 hours and 45 minutes and be ok in the morning.

All that to say, I am not in bed. I am sitting here. Here upstairs. Window open. Thoughts and ideas surrounding my mind which does make it awfully hard to fall asleep.

Over the last few weeks people have been sharing their dreams and desires with me and I have been bold enough to share some of mine in return. Now for those of you who know me, this has become a trying thing over the years. Its as though something in me broke and, well, I just couldn't commit to one thing. My mind and goals were all over the place. I wanted to be a professional photographer, missionary in a third world country, chef, work in a bookstore somewhere in New York; to become something great and grand rather than the opposite in my mind of becoming boring and drab. But over the weeks and months I have committed. I have committed to the not knowing. I have declared that I want to be an author of some sort. I have committed to staying and not running (at least for now). My life has ended up ever so different than I thought. Have you felt this way before? Or is what you had envisioned your whole life coming to pass just as you thought? I know choices play a large role in what has taken place. I know things could have been very different.For example: I discovered a love of other people groups and countries because of the love someone showed me through their passion for it. I know that had this person not invested in me the way they did I may have not been so passionate about seeing and being a part of other countries and cultures like I have. My heart aches to be a part of something much greater than I am and seeing what I have seen, held the people I have held, walked the city streets I have, I have caught a glimpse of that "greater".

This is a strange season for me and as I look at past blogs it looks a lot like ramblings and for those of you who have stuck around to see what is next I thank you. It doesn't feel so lonely. I know something is taking place in my life...a sort of shifting/anticipation feeling. (not that I base life off of feelings, but lets call it a girls intuition). Life is shifting and the lives around me are shifting. I jokingly made a comment today to a friend asking, "Want to move countries with me?" I just can't completely commit. I want to and I think that is a part of this season and journey. God is calling me to stay put, to leave my "running shoes" in the closest for the timing being, and actually watch Him cultivate some things here. It doesn't mean I am forever barred from "going anywhere else" it just means waiting for the right time and when that times arrives I won't hesitate in the least. This I am sure of.

Bed time.

My Definition of Laughter

Laughter: an action filled with emotion that refreshes the soul and comes exactly when you need it.

Life As I Know It

Life as I know it is never going to be the same. God granted many wonderful years with a plans and goals, but now it is on to this "new" way of life. This way of life without having plans or straight and narrow goals. So many of my friends are in relationships, engaged, married, or starting families. Now it is not to say that all of these individuals know exactly where they are going and what they are headed for, but the reality is for these people is, that they have company along the way of not knowing. So many times I have joked with others and others have joked around with me that the grass is greener on the other side. I hate that my eyes focus on that which I do not have rather than what I do have. I am twenty-four years old and have already lived a life that only some can dream about. How selfish am I? My life of plans, goals, structure is gone and has been for some time, but I think the reality of it is finally settling in and the present reality of learning to say yes, without knowing the plan is what is taking its place. This is life as I know it.

Strangers

I probably talked about this at some stage when I was living down in New Zealand, but regardless of that fact I am going to bring it up again. Something that I loved about living down there was that I had to take public transportation. It wasn't love at first sight, but something I acquired and the reason for this love was because of the people I met along the way. I got to meet some of the most caring, passionate, and driven people on those buses. People who changed my way of thinking and the way I look at others. So when I moved back to California there was a deep appreciation that I was going to be able to drive myself wherever I needed to at the drop of a pin. But I also knew with this "new found" freedom would come an overwhelming sense of disappoint. I wouldn't be getting to meet strangers or I would no longer have the convenience of strangers being around me each and every day as they had been before. That was until recently. There are strangers all around me but just happen to cross my life in a different way. And the culture surrounding strangers is a bit different here, just depends on how willing you are to make that jump and feel a bit foolish in talking to someone you don't know. My example for the day is a woman at the gym. We were running right next to each other, but hadn't paid any attention to each other. I was engrossed in my latest book and she engulfed in the television before her. It wasn't until someone made a comment to her that made me laugh and she looked over at me. She smiled and that was it a conversation was born; with that smile she was open to talking and I was open to listening. Spent a few minutes conversing in sync with our treadmills and said our goodbyes. We happened to be leaving the gym at the same time and before we knew it 30 minutes had passed us by. We discussed writing, love, weight, family, cultures, and God. I feel as though I am missing New Zealand so much more in these latter months and maybe that is because I know I am not going back anytime relatively soon. But there are things that I learned down there and piece of me that developed that is trying so desperately to find its place to fit in this society and culture. Sepi was a wonderful reminder that it can happen...she was a wonderful reminder that I can still use the gifts that I have been given and that they have not grown completely rusty in these last 6 months. Sometimes strangers scare me, sometimes strangers make me laugh, and sometimes stranger become more than stranger through the stories we exchange...more often than not I like strangers, because if I have an encounter with a stranger they aren't strangers for long, but friends.

Run and Run Hard

I have dreams. And I am beginning to run after them. You ask what happens if those dreams don't work out? Well, I'll run the other way in hopes that there are more to be found.

Wanting What We Possibly Don't Need (at least right now)

Anyone ever feel like they know best? I have my moments...I think I have a pretty good grasp of what it is I need. Yet, then I have weeks like these past few and I am constantly reminded that maybe I just don't know what I need. I have been single for five years now and would have to say that, that choice has been pretty much mine. But if I am honest with myself it really hurts sometimes and I look around me and I start comparing other people's stories to my own and before I know it I feel pretty lonely. But then I sit in a room hearing the stories of others and I hear their breaking hearts and even some spirits and I am reminded that I am not the only one sitting in this boat and when I think about it I am available right now. I am available to offer up the gifts that I have to others with my own time. Time is mine and not something that I have to share with another. I have a story and even though it is not the most beautiful of stories it is mine. And I have to believe that through my joys and pains I have something to offer to others through my tales. I have my good days and bad days. Days where I think I have it all together and days where I hope I stay invisible throughout the whole 24 hours. I want what I have seen over the last five years, but do I need it right now? No. What I need right now is to continue to be available and open to share and walk life with others. What I need is a bit more patience and a tad bit more endurance. I made a joke today about patience and it being one of God's lamest fruits of the spirit, but in all honesty...I think patience produces some of the best fruit.

Dear Toy Lover

Thank you for reminding me that even while attempt this "adult" life I can still be a kid at heart. Your attitude and perspective are refreshing :)

Not Always What It Seems

Now these two beautiful photos you see below were taken by my wonderful friend Stacee. Stacee is about to graduate college and move East, many miles away from California, so this was one of our last times to be able to spend some time together alone (near the ocean which we both love). As well as, to reflect, to talk about God, and to be able to have some down time for ourselves in the midst of the craziness of both our lives. We had planned a wonderful afternoon...but lets just say it seemed for myself to start off a bit on the wrong leg. My day at work had been crazy and I felt a bit unsettled. And I pretty much carried that into my evening. Not sure if Stacee felt the same, but I can say that what we both had planned did not come to pan out exactly as we had hoped. However, we got our quite time in the busyness of ruby's on the pier and got our few moments of reflection looking at this incredible sunset! Then we got a chance to talk and share on our mile and half hike to and from the car. We shared laughs while driving through parking lots and I got to witness some of her handiwork in her own creative element. It may have not been our most "ideal" evening. But it worked and we enjoyed ourselves...at least I did :) I guess the point to my ramblings is that, I make plans I have ideas of how things should be and how they should go. But sometimes I have to let go of my agendas and trust that the "plan" unseen can be far better then the plan I have created in my head.

Faith

I continue to walk the road even after speaking a prayer into existence many years ago and still waiting on a reply, but also being able to speak a prayer and watch the answer come to fruition within a matter of moments. I am given such generous gifts. Thank you Lina and Nan for reminding me of these ever good gifts.

Music and Lemons

Music has always played a part in our relationship. It was something that came even with our first genuine interaction. One particular genre that always stuck around was country. It fits that it would be a part of the beginning and a part of the closing. It sounds so stange, but I felt like I was standing on top of a diving board looking down at the water a bit scared to jump, but because it was you I was willing to jump, but still something in me wouldn't release. What you gave over was allowing me instead of jumping to climb down and off the board. With my whole heart I thank you. I am just not to that point of that section of my journey and as much as I wanted it to be; I knew. Just as you knew the moment that tune played. I have been released and I thank God for releasing you. Go in peace and I pray when she walks into your life that you love her completely and beyond the extent that you so kindly showed me. You aren't a lemon (at all) and will never be remembered as one.

S.F.

I know you'll read this and because of that I wanted to pay tribute to you. You are dedicated and hard working, loved by your family and friends, and even the occasional co-worker who is willing to do the "happy dance" for you. Thank you for being one of my biggest supporters in this ever so rocky time it seems. Thank you for the long walks. The great chats. The constant encouragement. The willingness to revise and revise again. The "other" perspective. Thank you for listening to my side and hearing my heart. Thank you for believing in my dreams and wanting to see me have the best, even if that meant "letting me go". You my dear S.F. ROCK! And I am one of the privileged to have done the "happy dance" right into your life!

Developing Lifestyle

I feel as though I am coming into my own so to speak. Right before graduating college so many people around were discussing the idea/concept that college does very little to prepare you for stepping into the "real world", now maybe that isn't their specific duty; either way most twenty-somethings are thrown into the deep end in hopes that they will float! Everyone makes their own way, making different choices, different lifestyles; some get married, some adventure to other lands, some start careers, and some go home. I took the path of "other land" or "OE" as my beloved Kiwi friends would title it. Maybe it was the "Peter Pan Syndrome" in me or maybe it was the fact that I discovered this unknown love for other countries and cultures my second year in college. Regardless of why I made my move to New Zealand it doesn't matter because I did it and I am back and it forever shaped me. But now I am here in my home state trying to make a go of another type of lifestyle. I am waking up around 5 am most days, having green tea in the morning to wake up, regularly having quiet time, and on the road for work at 6:45. I am an adult who is making it a lifestyle to run each week, cook more of my meals than I eat out, really press hard into the passions that I have. So six months in I am still here, still treading water it seems, but I am doing it as unto the LORD. I get so frustrated sometimes, but I don't need to know it all right now, in this very moment...I just need to take it one day at a time. When Kristin and I traveled through Australia we took a tour that lead us up the coast and situated in a cliff was this plaque. She just sent this picture to me as a reminder. And what a sweet and true reminder it is.

Wildflowers

So my friend from high school, Steph, got me quite excited about the idea of coming home and seeing the wildflowers. Now of the benefits to living "out in the boonies" is that wild flowers during this time of the year grow all over, but to find the real special places you have to make a bit of a trip. So about thirty minutes even farther East from where we live my Dad and I took a car ride to find this specific spot (Shell Creek) he had taken me once when I was little. I remember the trip so vividly because it was one of the only times that it was just me and my Dad with my Mum being away for the weekend. My Dad spent a lot of his twenties living in the mountains so he loves spending time out in places deserted and surrounded by nature. At some stage in life he passed this love onto me, whether it was this outing when I was little or not I don't quite remember, but today when driving out on Highway 58 I felt completely at home. The moment we turned down this side road I flashed back to driving in my Dad's beat up Ford truck with the windows down and the country music playing (which I truly despised at the time). The differences of the day were we are both a bit older now, we had a lot more to talk about, we weren't in that truck (its long gone now); but the similarities were that just like I did when I was little I was getting to spend some quality time with Dad that I loved, country music was playing (and this time I didn't despise it), and the flowers were just as beautiful as I remember. These photos don't do it justice by any means. I love coming back here. Thanks Steph for the great idea!

Dear You

Several years ago there was a girl who was a part of my life...not a significant part, but around my life and I was around hers. Now over time I no longer saw this girl or had her as a part of my life. This made me sad, but the circumstances surrounding our friendship could not be changed and so I haven't heard from this (now young woman) girl in years. I bring it up because, I ended up reading an article about this girl. She is grown up now and living life. All the things I hoped she would be. It gave a bit of her story and where she is now and I could not help but think had things been different we probably would have turned out to be wonderful friends. Life is funny that way. We as people and people in relationships are funny. I miss this girl and wish I could convey a few things to her and let her know. Encourage her a bit and affirm her of her beauty and creativity, but its not my place or role. More than likely with all the time that has gone past she has long forgotten me or who I am. So it is my hope that someone will step up to that plate and do this for her. Funny how the past can come rushing in your door. The memories made me smile and reminded me that this life is SO much larger than myself. SO much bigger than who I am and who I am becoming. Its kind of exciting and thrilling, because I just don't know who I am going to come in contact with new and old. Hey! Even through these writings I have re-discovered friends who long ago were a part of my life. They were a part of my past but have now become a part of my present. You just never know what is going to happen. It's Tuesday and it's a much better day than Monday :)

Mondays

Why are Mondays the day of struggle? I wish there was a pill or something that could give me a better outlook on this day. I mean even when I have everything going for me...I woke up early this morning, did some things around the house, read, made breakfast, got ready for work...the whole nine yards!! Yet I still feel as though I have been socked in the stomach with a huge blow of somesort.