Things of the Heart

This Thanksgiving we sat around the table among the cedar trees and instead of describing what we were thankful for, we went around and shared what we liked most about this season. Now there were many underlying tones of thankfulness in each of these stories be it the food, the family, or whatever else was shared.

I had some time to think about what I wanted to say being that I was seated in the middle of the sea of people we had at our table :) and I came to the conclusion what I liked the most about our Thanksgiving seasons is that they are always different. No two have truly ever looked alike. I think my family loves the concept of being traditional, but I wouldn't exactly put us at the center of what a "traditional" Thanksgiving looks like. We have spent them in Hawaii, Southern California, Northern California, family's houses, friends houses. made the feast ourselves, had buffet style, gone out and bought the day of, had take out. Yet we have always been together. There are the off years when one side of the family will spend it with their "other" side of the family or where we have combined families altogether. But to me the heart of the matter is that we have been together no matter the season or circumstance.

I love my family very much. I look around the table and see bits and pieces of what makes up me. I also see the voids of those who have passed away and how greatly their presence is missed or those who just choose to no longer sit at our table for one reason or another. Them I miss. But for the most part I am content with what I see and who I am surrounded by. I know this won't last forever and I know it is but a blink of an eye before things change. The family grows larger, kids grow into adults, get married, and begin their own Thanksgiving "traditions". Yet no matter where they go I will think of them and love them, even from afar. For now I am grateful they are close, and that I get this time with them because they mean more to me than they will ever know.

Welcome

Welcome to a world unlike any other
One that is made to lift you above even the highest of mountain tops
And one that can set you below sea level if need be
A world that has experienced great loss and great sorrow
Welcome to a world that has yet to experience your joy and laughter
So many landscapes left to explore
Countless amounts of people waiting to make our acquaintance
Welcome to a place that leaves many speechless
And yet has given people subject matter to discuss until the end of time
Welcome to a world where people truly know how to love
Yet many also know how to hate
It is a place that many anticipate the beginning and others yearn for an end
Welcome to your new life
A place of so many wonderful beginnings and hopefully not too many sad endings

Florida, ice bars, and hurricanes

Yet another successful work trip completed. I have to say this one by far was one of the more interesting ones. Being that I had never been to Florida for one so I had no idea what to expect and along the way met so many interesting people including a guy on the plane from Texas to Florida were we discussed hurricane seasons and when they were and how long they lasted. He assured me that their hurricane season was over, but something in my gut didn't quite believe that. Yet, low and behold our second day in I see on the news that there was a hurricane off the coast of Florida. Sometimes my gut instinct really freaks me out :)

My company along with another company sponsored an event at an ice bar which truly turned out to be memorable. Over the last few years I had talked with a couple friends how it would be fun to experience an ice bar; but really what I found out was it is pretty cold and you don't feel like staying in long. :)

I enjoy going on these trips (most of the time) gets me a little time out of the office, stretches my ability to be a quick thinker, and allows me to do something I genuinely love...meeting all sorts of people who come from all types of different backgrounds. Thanks to you my first trip to Florida was one to remember and thanks to you "Ida the Hurricane" for staying out at sea while I made my way back home to California!

Tylenol PM

It is days like this were I just want to quit life (if that were possible). Not to die, just to quit. To stop being...just for a few days.

It has been a rough week and everything I touch seems to fall a part or really not go the way I expect. I have taken things a bit more personally. I am easily hurt. And I am lost in my own thoughts. And yet this is where I believe God steps in with His humor and by His humor I mean creating me.

I have kept a bottle of Tylenol in my desk for weeks such as this when my head begins to throb and I can't just seem to think straight. Well here I am feeling the onset of another pain throbbing day and go to pull out my little cute travel size bottle and for whatever reason I look at it a bit more closely. Right next to the word Tylenol is a minuscule "pm". I started to laugh. Not only had it been a bit rough go of a week, but I had felt so incredibly tired at work and couldn't figure out why. I had been getting my 7 to 8 hours. Drinking loads of water. One cup of coffee in the morning. I should be good as gold right? Nope. Not when you take 2 or 3 of these beauties!

Something about laughter breaks away a bit of the tension I carry within myself. I could blame the moment on the fact that I dyed my hair blonde in high school and the dye just somewhat seeped into my thought process ;) or the fact that I am working my way to blind (my eye sight truly is that poor). Or maybe it was the fact that I just couldn't resist the cute little bottle and paid no real attention to what it was I was picking up to ease the tension within my head. Whatever it was laughing truly was the best kind of cure-all for a week like this.

Hello You...

Today marks 6 months that have shaped and changed the way I think about life, love, and sacrifice.

Today marks roughly 180 days and nights being without someone who has changed me.

Today marks a day I thought would not come along for a very long time.

Today reminds me I am worth it.

Today reminds me that he is worth it.

Today is a day I wish we could celebrate in person and face to face.

Today is a reminder of how sad and heartbroken I must have looked walking through LAX airport.

Today is a reminder that I can care again.

Today truly is a wonderful day even if 10,000 miles stand in the way because...

Today I know those miles won't always be in the way.

Learning to Love

Here,
My Dear,
This is where
We'll shake the nightmare free

I dream
To hold you in my arms

Wide awake
In my arms...

I think I figured it out
We need to be together
Like the shore and the sea

We are not one thing
We're drawn here together
My ocean and me...

Love,
We sleep apart
For the last time
For the last time..

S.F.

To Live Would be an Awfully Big Adventure

I was rummaging through a lot of my old college work this past week and re-read over my media crit paper I wrote my junior year of college (basically a mini thesis) and for back then I am pretty proud of what I put out, dissecting the story of Peter Pan and Neverland and Wendy the wonderful story teller.

My junior year of college was more or less a growing up year for me. Letting the past be the past, growing into new friendships, coming to a shocking reality that college wouldn't be lasting forever. It was great fuel for my paper where I took the angle of a girl who had the choice to either be a child forever or take a risk and grow up to see what would be of her life.

I totally feel like Wendy these days, in between that choice. And some days (more than I would like to admit) I have to remind myself to take the grown up way when I so desperately want to take the child like way...I have learned so much from taking both roads at different points. So here's to living the big adventure with grown up choices and the little kid moments!

Shadows

Life is full of
light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown
and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross
Shadows, David Crowder Band


I have been listening to this song all week (thanks Em and Christian!) and I just can't seem to shake it. The lyrics may be simple, but they pack a punch. A punch that is worth remembering.

Change of Plans

I find that I am not always the most open and black and white when it comes to my blog entries. I leave a lot of wiggle room and I leave a lot left to the imagination. Maybe this is my style and maybe I am just learning to be honest with myself.

One honest fact about myself is that I always wanted to get married when I was 22. It's true. I remember being in the 8th grade and at my Aunt Sharon's wedding. All day everyone kept asking me when I was going to get married (why on earth they would be asking a 14 year old when she would be getting married is beyond me, but they did). I answered straight faced, "when I am 22." And with that answer I proceeded to explain my logic and reason behind it. I would have enjoyed a bit of my 20s (all two years of them yippee) and I would have been finished with college by that point and on my own.

Man oh man; had only my 26 year old self been there to witness the innocence of a child. I now look back on the last 4 years of my life and can not help but be thankful for the time I have been given. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to get married and experience that part of life (be it the many ups and downs that it will bring), but for me there is something to be said about what an adventure this has been and how much I have grown. I have drastically changed over the last 4 years and a change that I truly hope has been for the better. I look back when I was 22 and really I just felt as though I was starting (and lets face it, I still feel this way some days) but I feel as though I am more of a whole person now than I was back then.

I think this is often the case for many of us. We have a goal and we go after it, but once the goal or time line has passed we feel a bit out of place. I know I did when I was 23. 23 was a weird, odd, and yet beautiful year for me. It was the year that I had never imagined for or truly prepared for and when it arrived it felt as though every day was a surprise. I may put in my two cents with God when it comes to the "change of plans" but I have to say He really does know what He is doing and because of that I am more willing to go on the detour.

Cup of Contemplation

Lessons I learned ages ago are coming back my way, however not in the way you might think. I am an only child and I think one particular disadvantage about growing up this way is that I had this huge need for people. Now a gift that comes from this is that I can handle being alone perfectly well. I easily embrace the opportunities to be alone, but deep down within who I am I don't want to be left behind and I don't want to be alone.

The lesson that comes back to me is that I have grown. I have come to this place in life where I care very deeply for the people around me, but I don't put them at the center of my world. I am no longer the clingy girl who tried everything to get people to like her and even love her. Yes of course I still have the desire to be loved, but I have come to an acceptance that not everyone is going to love me or even like me. There will be seasons that I walk alone and seasons where I am embraced by many people who do truly care for me.

I guess the reason this comes up is because I am watching a couple friends walk the road of clinging to any hand they are able to reach rather than relaxing and letting go and partially falling to wherever they need to fall in order to be at peace with the themselves. It is truly an amazing thing when you come full swing in regards to your specific life lessons. It feels...its feels quite liberating actually.

Goodbyes Are Often a Part of the Process

Over these last two weeks I have been placed at these weird and slightly strange intersections. I am fairly confidant that I know the direction in which I am going and where God is leading. However I can not help but think that there have been these places in the road that could offer a possible distraction from the direction in which I am headed.

All of these instances have brought a level of closure in there own way. A way of saying goodbye in the right way and the not the hurtful way. Allowing certain people to let go of you in the only ways they know how. Watching others just simply move on in life and away from my path.

It hasn't been easy mind you. Certain instances have struck a cord within my heart that I feel echos throughout all of who I am and even shakes the core of who I am becoming. But then I keep going. I keep moving forward on my own path. Towards the things I know to be right, true, and so very important for this story that God is carving out of my life.

Goodbyes can be rough. Goodbyes can be sweet. Goodbyes can be, well, just see you later. I have had a little bit of each it seems. Each that only propels me farther on.

Godspeed dear ones. Thank you for everything.

Sometimes Certain Songs Just Hit the Mark

someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you cant have everything
don't you take chances
you might feel the pain
don't you love in vain
cause love wont set you free
i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain in front of me
cause i'm just tryin be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryin play my roll
slowly disappear
well all these tears
they feel like they're the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain in front of me
cause im just tryin be happy
just wanna be happy

so any turns that i cant see
ill count a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
don't say anything

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain in front of me
cause i'm just tryin be happy
just wanna be happy

Amy's Getting Married!

This is what I like to call my everything related to weddings weekend. I had a bachelorette party on Friday night, got ready for a bridal shower on Saturday, a wedding on Sunday, then the bridal shower on Monday. It was nothing short of a crazy (fun) weekend. Below are photos of the bridal shower Em and I threw for Amy. It was truly a feat for me to complete as I am so not the hostess type, but thanks to some wonderful friends and a few great ideas I think we did quite well!

Glory of the Morning

I have not always been a fan of mornings.

I think I got the "night owl" gift from my Mum and during college I was ever thankful for this gift...it spared me from turning in certain papers late. However, there were several mornings that I got to rise with the dawn and I have to say there is something so amazing to be awake as you watch the sun rise.

Today was one of those days. I drove to a spot I found about a year and a half ago that takes me at least a little ways out of the "city" and I watched it rise. It is a sweet place when you can sit with the Creator of the universe in silence and just let the new day wash over you and with that you are granted another day. Another day filled with anticipation and expectation.

Mornings like this are truly something to behold.

Food for Thought

I have been all about the journey these last few years. A journey of the heart, soul, mind, body...all of it. It hasn't been easy and often I thought walking away from it all and giving up was the best solution, because really walking through this what would it ever provide to others or myself? But giving up is and has never been the answer. I have constantly been taught and shown that really living, really giving yourself away, learning to love and be loved, learning to forgive and work through it all can be one of the greatest testaments to life and living.

We are to be constant encouragers and examples to one another, just as Christ set the ultimate example.

I can't give up now.

And as much as I have days and nights where I would love nothing more than the "race" to come to a halt I know my story is impacting others. I know that my heart and desire for God is impacting others whether they choose to see that part or not. I know there is something so much larger than "me" taking place in all of this.

SO...all of this to say...don't give up, don't lose hope, keep moving forward however hard the climb may be, because what you gain in wisdom and understanding is totally worth it.

MidNight Project

Welcome to my Friday evening of "I should do my laundry and wash my sheets." This simple thought expanded to my roommate passing by my room and asking if I was planning on changing it up? She and I have talked about this for a year, but it meant removing a bookshelf (which I need) and losing a bit of floor space. But I have been complaining a bit more lately about how I hate making a bed that is up against the wall. So why not! And thus began my Friday night adventure!
This was just the changing the sheets picture. But already you can tell by taking a picture I was committing to writing a bit about my crazy idea!

Woohoo! Successfully moved the bed (by myself) taken the bookshelf out of my room and stored it in the garage (by myself), and successfully banged myself pretty good in the process.
Not enough space in the room therefore half the bed went into the entry way and all the extra little stuff stored away in the bathroom.
Ok now I know this is a duplicate picture below but I want you to look in the purple chair, I have about 50 DVD's sitting in their cases there. I realized that if I was going to make this work I was going to have to suck it up and make a target run. But first I made a list so that I would only get the things I needed for this project rather than all the things I want at Target :)
Wall-ah! The finished project below. Target run complete and under budget. I purchased something to hold my extra DVDs and CDs as well as three larger containers for extra books I am saving for my library one day, as well as a set of new towels! I figured my bathroom needed a bit of pampering as well. Oh and the tiny little TV stand next to the bed to house a few more books that I read and write in regularly.


So at about 12:30 (Saturday morning) this was my completed project. For just coming home and wanting to change the sheets I think I did fairly well in having the energy to finish it all within a few hours!

Today's the Day

Today is the day that they put you to sleep for 4 hours and take what has been harming you for these many months, yet it will also take a piece of what we identify femininity with. I know you are scared. I know you don't know exactly what life is going to look like come after this morning. But please know this, you are loved and won't have to be alone in the process.

My Journey with Hillsong

Hillsong never meant much to me. When I heard people refer to it my thoughts were, "I think I have heard some of their songs...they are based in the UK or maybe Australia...I can't quite remember." When I entered college I had a couple close girlfriends who knew more than I did and began to explain to me that they were based in Australia (not the UK like I had originally thought) and that they were hoping to attend their worship school sometime in the near future. Even with these little pieces of information I never really realized the vastness of who they were. With the move to New Zealand I caught a bigger glimpse of it. I think for certain things it all depends on where you are located in the world to understand how BIG (aka popular) some things are. New Zealand I think gave me far more insight to "who" Hillsong was and their vision for ministry in the world.

My world was rocked when Kristin and I had the chance to visit Australia and had the opportunity to attend their church. Had you ever shared with my 15 year old self that I would ever visit this church family I would have giggled at you (yes giggled) and walked away. But after getting a bit lost, almost missing a shuttle, there we stood. I remember feeling overwhelmed and yet anticipation grew within me that I knew this was a journey that I had to experience myself with God. My heart I think actually expanded in that 2 hour period that we were there. We met some of the most nice kind hearted people and I met with a very very tangible part of God. I am not sure I will ever be able to put it in words and maybe that is ok. This was a moment between God and one I know will never quite be duplicated.

So fast forward 2 years, I haven't listened to much of their music recently, still hang on to remnants of that night when Kristin and I visited. But here I sit in my room, feeling miserable, "dry", parched for something I know I have been longing for. Going through my music collection I stumble across a cd a friend made me a while back, a compilation of her favorite songs from Hillsong. I put it on. A wave of release and a breakthrough in the tension of myself swallowed me whole. I am constantly left speechless for how God can work in my life personally. The tensions that I hang onto on a daily basis that build up over the months can within a moments notice be wiped from my life and I am given a sense of peace that can not be compared to anything in this world.

I think God likes to use music in my life. It is something I have always resonated with and maybe I can "blame" my parents for since they used to play together before I was even born and then it took a pretty big role in our home life as I was growing up. Even though I can't carry a tune and I don't have the knack to play an instrument hearing others works of art and gifts does something for me; Hillsong and their music only adding to that.

Somewhere in Between

Lately I have found myself in between a lot of things lately...in between job choices, responsibility choices, heart choices, just a lot of all around choices. And the hard part for me as I stand in the middle of all of these choices is that I can't seem to discover any real black and white response to any of them. I was at least hoping that one would be black and white but really they are all hazy and grey. So here I am in the middle of everything and yet at the brink of so much more.

I have discovered while being here that I have to start basing choices off of "Heidi" and no one else. Over the years I have developed this tender heart and caring for others which ultimately turned into caring too much for what others thought of me. Therefore a lot of my choices became based on what others thought rather than what I believed I should do.

So begins the stretching process of making choices. Regardless if they are right or wrong I just have to start making them and discovering what unfolds. So here goes nothing!

Brooke

Lately my ipod keeps shuffling to Brooke Fraser, so today I decided to give in and fill my senses with memories from what seems long ago. Brooke was an artist that Kristin and I were introduced to while we were living in New Zealand. Kristin and I would often listen to her in the flat when no one was home or while we were cleaning or making dinner. We actually got the chance to see her in concert with a group of friends/mates which was a blast! Sometimes it can be hard to have all these emotions and memories pop up in your head, but then I realize I am all the better for them regardless of how "hard" it may be. In lieu of my music interest this week enjoy a bit of a flashback from our year spent abroad.