Kayli's Getting Married and This is Her Bridal Shower!

So, one of my best friend's from college is taking the plunge after 5 years of dating. They are now to become Husband and Wife and we as their friends we could not be happy for them...the BIG event takes place next month, but for now enjoy a glimpse of the bridal shower!

L-O-V-E

May 24th, 2010

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
Scared of love, but scared of life alone
Seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

Just when you think that love will never find you
You run away but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that we can't control

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again.

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I 'fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, ready to love again.

~Lady Antebellum...Ready to Love Again

Our Not So Traditional Date Nights

May 6th, 2010

Most people go to the movies or out to dinner with their significant other. You get to take pictures (sometimes) to remember the event. So I thought why not take a photo of our own date nights! Alas, it doesn't quite have the same fond memories, but at least we will be able to look back on them/it and be thankful for when we finally are together...

Looking Back at My Roots

April 29th, 2010

Whether it has been conversations at work, talking with friends, or Grae, I can't really pin point what has been making me think about my extended family and our history so much, but lately I have found where I come from to be so fascinating. On my Dad's side I am the second generation from a family that came from Italy. It makes me wonder that if a great grandparent had made another choice and decided to not move to America I probably wouldn't be here. My Mum's side comes from the South and originally from France.

In the picture below I am holding each set of grandparents wedding photos. I love looking at them just for the fact that they didn't get married in the same decade so their weddings have a true different time essence to them. I love looking at them and wondering what all of them were like and how we would have interacted had all of them been alive in my adult years. 

Out of the photos I only have the grandfather on the right in my life today. He is getting older and has remarried so the topic of my grandmother doesn't come up very much, if any, but every now and again I will ask him questions and I love the responses...mainly that he thinks she and I would have been great friends.

I think we would have too. 

It is in these years of my life where I miss them so much and have discovered a true appreciation for them and their stories in this life.

 

Devoted to a Year Come and Gone

April 24th, 2010

 As Graeme and I approach a year of long distance being together I keep getting the questions of, "How do you make it work?" or "Don't you just want to go insane because of the distance? I know I did after being away from *so and so*." And my answers pretty much sum into one. It is in no way easy, but we make it work because we both have discovered that sometimes the best things in life are worth fighting for and waiting for. 

There probably isn't a day that goes by that I don't think, "gosh I wish my boyfriend lived in the same state as me." but the reality is that he doesn't and as of right now there is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is be the best when communicating when I have the chance, being completely present when we get the chance to skype once a week, and make the effort to do small things that remind him that I care, and that I will still be here as we sort our visas and moves and everything else that goes into falling for someone that isn't from here. :) 

He is so much more than what I have expected a man to be in my life and yes our relationship may look different than most, but I am devoted to making it work whether we are apart or together. 

For the Love of a Friend

For the love of a friend I got creative and decided to hand make bridal shower invitations. Totally worth the final product, maybe not so worth the 12 hours spent on making 50! Here's to you Kayli! Can't wait to celebrate the start of your new adventure with Ryan!!

Bright and Shiny

My roommate and I were discussing how we so desperately wish life could just be bright and shiny, but that just isn't the case. We have jobs that hand us rough days, family that we disagree with, cars that break down, taxes to pay; life just gets in the way sometimes of things being "bright and shiny".

But then you have days like today where you have a great day at work, had some extra time to try a new recipe and make an incredible dinner for the roommate and you, and even get to see a movie (I still feel like a rebel sometimes when I get to see movies in the middle of the week like I am a school kid who is ditching her homework for some fun). These bright and shiny days make the other days just a little bit easier to handle. Here's hoping you get to experience a few more bright and shiny days and a few less of the other days...

New Beginnings

I don't often find myself to be a crafty person, but I am traveling down a new and uncharted territory...so hopefully I am going to start selling my photo cards on Etsy...so when it is up and running I will make sure to let you know and you can see my "crafty" work at its best. :)

Sacrifice

Life is in part about sacrifices as I am discovering. I am discovering the sacrifices my parents have made for me in order to have the kind of life that I have had. I am discovering certain sacrifices I am going to have to make for my future. There is a true beauty that comes from them as well as a certain level of pain.

A funny part of my story is that I always wanted to find love; someone to share my life with. I think somewhere between finishing college and leaving New Zealand I gave up on that notion. And not that I necessarily gave up on it all together, but for a season. I had come to a better understanding of who I was and what I wanted and I wasn't willing to settle for less.

Then in walks this great guy who is real and exceeds anything I could have possibly dreamed of. He may be 10,000 miles away, in a different time zone, and country; but he is worth all the sacrifices I could possibly store up. He is teaching me what it means to give selflessly and without anything in return. He is teaching me that love is about actions and not words. He is teaching me that love is sacrificial and the best kind of sacrifice anyone could make.

Awaken

Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing
I'm not really living
I'm only watching the time slip away
I've forgotten who I am in you
I'm not who I'm meant to be
I'm drifting farther away from my destiny
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, lord
Awaken me
My soul is longing, my heart is searching
I'm desperate for you to move
Give me a hunger, pull me closer
I'm crying out to you
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, lord
Open my eyes so I can see your presence
Dwelling inside
Wake me up, cause I can't live another minute
if I'm not shining your light
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken the passion in me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me

~Natalie Grant

Hello Hollywood!

So this years birthday celebration was delayed a bit (about a month to be exact). So several of my good friends and I decided to wake up early one Sunday morning and head up to Hollywood to watch Alice in Wonderland at the El Capitan. Only to our great amusement did we pick the Sunday of the LA marathon! Which it turned out to be SO much fun watching thousands upon thousands run the 26 mile trek from Dodger Stadium to the Santa Monica Pier.

Christian, Emily, and I enjoying the early hour :)

Vince displaying the route of the LA marathon. We happened to be standing at mile 11.

She was my favorite! She was passing out Gatorade to the runners.

Amy and I.

The streets were lined with cups! As we were getting out the movie the marathon was over and the street sweepers were out and about washing down all the gatorade and sweeping up all the remaining trash.

And for fun we went to see if the Kodak Theater had put up 2010's Best Picture (and low and behold they had! Barely visible I know, but it was the best shot I could get)

Hope you enjoyed my little birthday adventure!

I Can Do Bad All By Myself

I enjoy Tyler Perry and his films. The title strikes me because it is so true of how I can be through this life (at least this far). The film itself was one of Perry's best (at least in my opinion). It gives a great stage for showing how we can allow our baggage claim who we are, but even in that season a certain level of grace is extended like any other.

Between a Rock and a Growing Place

I feel a bit broken and I was hoping that I would never feel this way again, but here I am, heart in my hands wondering how did I let this happen?

I love my family very much (great sentence to start with after that opener, aye?). It is true though, I love them more than words will ever be able to express, but they above any other in this world have the power to crush me in an unexplainable way.

I had great intentions of going home this weekend to celebrate my wonderful Mum's birthday only to be sidelined with criticism, tension, and pain. My entire extended family as a whole has been really beat up this past year with certain set backs, hospital visits, a struggling economy; from aunts, to uncles, to grandpas it seems as though everyone has taken a hit and so I know that some of this tension stems from things in this life that we have no control over. Yet, I also know it comes from choices we make, attitudes we choose to carry, pride that we can not set aside.

I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. I am at fault for being critical and bitter; for not praising or encouraging my family where I should. I guess my angst comes from the idea that I viewed my family to be "perfect" and I treated them as such, but the reality is just like me they too are not perfect. Each and every one of them has their own story, their own grievances, things that make them tick and we as a family don't really know all these ends and outs and therefore have a way of hurting each other so deeply because of it.

This situational season will pass and I will gain ultimately a bit more strength because of it, but the ache that it leaves within me is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

Bringing in Space

I live a life that propels me in many different directions all at once. At least I did. Now in this current state of the simple life I have room to think and I am not entirely sure I like what I am thinking.

I am doubting my dreams. I am settling into a place that is half of who I am. I was created for more or at least created to give more and be more than what I am dishing out to the world.

I don't know if I like "space" all that much. Maybe it would be better to go back to my 24/7 constant constant, ever so constant life.

Then again maybe not.

Maybe I need this space more than I realize and facing all of this head on is going to help me establish what my true dreams are and what it is I am supposed to be pouring out into the world while I am here.

Love, Save the Empty

The

Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn't teach me.
Little boys don't know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn't show me.

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.

Again, the false attention.
Again, you're breaking inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, save me.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty.

Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we're fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.

Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty, and save me.
And save me.

*Erin McCarley

It really is the tune that has caught my attention and as I read through the lyrics they break my heart, because it is a real good representation of my earlier years in life; but it also reminds me of how thankful I am to know what true love is and where it truly comes from.

A Journey of a Different Color

Lately I have been having this notion that my life has been a bit colorless lately. It's not that I don't have things going on that make my world not colorful, because after the start to this year and the few blogs I have already shared, it sure has been a "colorful" start to the year.

I think ultimately what I am gauging at is, inside. To the outside world I am doing my best to exude colors, but on the inside I feel rather grey. Maybe it has to do with work and the growing discouragement I feel mounting there. Or maybe it has to deal with my recent isolated life that I am having to live out right now. I am seeking God with all that I have and pouring everything that I am before Him. Sharing my fears and my unbelief. It is my unbelief that I hate revealing before God...ie..."are you truly going to come through like you have promised you would?" But who I am to even ask such a thing? But like I said, above most things this is the one topic that I try and "hide" from God because of the true foolishness behind the whole concept.

Regardless of it all...this is my journey (hence the title of the blog:)) be it grey, magenta, aqua, black, yellow...this is it and maybe this section of the journey is all about the cultivation of a new kind of color.

Breathing Room

Finally in the midst of a crazy start to 2010 I feel as though I have found some breathing space of my own. For sure I was able to find some in New Zealand, but I knew the time there was limited so to be able to find space here at home, I am grateful. With having the move, a work trip, my Grandpa being hospitalized just to name a few things it is nice to have this down time and to really grasp what I have been walking through and to be able to come to some sort of peaceful place before moving on to whatever else 2010 has to throw at me.

I think like so many I was expecting 2010 to have a much cleaner start than 2009, but as I have referenced it to a friend I believe this to be a fire and favor year. In order to really have a grasp of what favor is you must first walk through the fire and go through a refinement process. Yes it may be painful, but I like to think through this process I am never truly burnt just heated until a certain level of perfection. True examples being Daniel who was thrown in the lions den who was not devoured or Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego who were thrown into the furnace and not burnt or even singed. So for now, I take in this space and the time it allows me to just be, as I let the old fade away and gain a better more grateful heart for what I have been given.

New Neighborhood

So it is official I am in the new place and getting used to my "new" yet somewhat familar surroundings. Ladera is a lot like Irvine; however it is more situated up against the hills which provide a great place to explore as I took the time yesterday to do (a much needed break from all the unpacking!).

I have to say these Ladera/Irvineish neighborhoods make me laugh a little bit because any time I go for a walk I can't help but think of movies like Pleasantville where life and the atmosphere surrounding these neightborhoods is one that gives off the idea of perfection. Always a bit strange and funny to me, but here I am. Home for the next 6 months.

Embracing the Unknown

Let me just start by saying that I had a great plan for when I got home from New Zealand. It was to sleep and not think. To sleep as long as my body possibly needed and to shut out the world for a few days and recharge my battery. Needless to say I got part of my wish; I got one solid night of sleep as well as getting to shut out the world while I attempted to make sense of the fact that I had to move out of what had been my home the last two years in just under a week.

Through circumstances unpreventable to my roommate and I we had to be out by March 1st. Did I mention I got this news 4 hours after landing? In my head I had to act fast, because I knew it was the goal to truly be out of the house before March 1st. Within 24 hours a girlfriend of mine and I had a place. She was struggling at her current place and is planning a wedding for August, so when we came together we decided to move into a place that her and her fiance will be calling home, which in turn means another move for me (but that is not what this entry is about...lets just take it one move at a time :)).

So over the last week I pretty much left my New Zealand bags packed, and starting grabbing boxes from work, friends, and packing up my little world. I knew 2010 was going to hold a lot of change, but I don't think my brain was in the place to start right away, but isn't that how life works sometimes? We aren't entirely ready but we get pushed out there and just have to jump and hope for the best?

I think towards the end of last year I started to question where I was standing, where I was going, and what tangible things really needed to change in my life. If this had been my choice I would have eased into it, like when you get into a spa, you don't just jump right in, you ease your way in. I like to think about things, then plan, then execute. But this is my year to just jump right in and embrace the unknown all while yelling "come on in the waters fine" :) The great thing about it all is that I know I am not alone. I have a God who has stood by me and provided in ways that I didn't even know how to ask for provision. I have great, loyal, and funny friends who are willing to jump right in the water with me and wade through whatever may come next, because believe me I know there is more to come.

I challenged God many nights ago in a courtyard looking up at the stars that I did not want to live a "cookie cutter" life and in some ways I wish I could take it back. "Cookie cutter" is safe, secure, and has a certain level of consistency that I crave. But He didn't listen and in other ways I am glad He didn't. My life is very much its own level of "cookie cutterness" to keep me sane, but it is moments and seasons like this that remind me I am very much apart of this life and I have a purpose and I need to wake up and embrace it or else I am going to have woken up and life will have just passed me by.

Welcome to my home for the next 6 months :)

The Great Goodbye

This is going to hurt and that just down right bites.