Sacrifice

Life is in part about sacrifices as I am discovering. I am discovering the sacrifices my parents have made for me in order to have the kind of life that I have had. I am discovering certain sacrifices I am going to have to make for my future. There is a true beauty that comes from them as well as a certain level of pain.

A funny part of my story is that I always wanted to find love; someone to share my life with. I think somewhere between finishing college and leaving New Zealand I gave up on that notion. And not that I necessarily gave up on it all together, but for a season. I had come to a better understanding of who I was and what I wanted and I wasn't willing to settle for less.

Then in walks this great guy who is real and exceeds anything I could have possibly dreamed of. He may be 10,000 miles away, in a different time zone, and country; but he is worth all the sacrifices I could possibly store up. He is teaching me what it means to give selflessly and without anything in return. He is teaching me that love is about actions and not words. He is teaching me that love is sacrificial and the best kind of sacrifice anyone could make.

Awaken

Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing
I'm not really living
I'm only watching the time slip away
I've forgotten who I am in you
I'm not who I'm meant to be
I'm drifting farther away from my destiny
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, lord
Awaken me
My soul is longing, my heart is searching
I'm desperate for you to move
Give me a hunger, pull me closer
I'm crying out to you
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for you, lord
Open my eyes so I can see your presence
Dwelling inside
Wake me up, cause I can't live another minute
if I'm not shining your light
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken the passion in me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me
Lord, awaken me to live my destiny
Lord, awaken me and shine your light through me

~Natalie Grant

Hello Hollywood!

So this years birthday celebration was delayed a bit (about a month to be exact). So several of my good friends and I decided to wake up early one Sunday morning and head up to Hollywood to watch Alice in Wonderland at the El Capitan. Only to our great amusement did we pick the Sunday of the LA marathon! Which it turned out to be SO much fun watching thousands upon thousands run the 26 mile trek from Dodger Stadium to the Santa Monica Pier.

Christian, Emily, and I enjoying the early hour :)

Vince displaying the route of the LA marathon. We happened to be standing at mile 11.

She was my favorite! She was passing out Gatorade to the runners.

Amy and I.

The streets were lined with cups! As we were getting out the movie the marathon was over and the street sweepers were out and about washing down all the gatorade and sweeping up all the remaining trash.

And for fun we went to see if the Kodak Theater had put up 2010's Best Picture (and low and behold they had! Barely visible I know, but it was the best shot I could get)

Hope you enjoyed my little birthday adventure!

I Can Do Bad All By Myself

I enjoy Tyler Perry and his films. The title strikes me because it is so true of how I can be through this life (at least this far). The film itself was one of Perry's best (at least in my opinion). It gives a great stage for showing how we can allow our baggage claim who we are, but even in that season a certain level of grace is extended like any other.

Between a Rock and a Growing Place

I feel a bit broken and I was hoping that I would never feel this way again, but here I am, heart in my hands wondering how did I let this happen?

I love my family very much (great sentence to start with after that opener, aye?). It is true though, I love them more than words will ever be able to express, but they above any other in this world have the power to crush me in an unexplainable way.

I had great intentions of going home this weekend to celebrate my wonderful Mum's birthday only to be sidelined with criticism, tension, and pain. My entire extended family as a whole has been really beat up this past year with certain set backs, hospital visits, a struggling economy; from aunts, to uncles, to grandpas it seems as though everyone has taken a hit and so I know that some of this tension stems from things in this life that we have no control over. Yet, I also know it comes from choices we make, attitudes we choose to carry, pride that we can not set aside.

I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. I am at fault for being critical and bitter; for not praising or encouraging my family where I should. I guess my angst comes from the idea that I viewed my family to be "perfect" and I treated them as such, but the reality is just like me they too are not perfect. Each and every one of them has their own story, their own grievances, things that make them tick and we as a family don't really know all these ends and outs and therefore have a way of hurting each other so deeply because of it.

This situational season will pass and I will gain ultimately a bit more strength because of it, but the ache that it leaves within me is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

Bringing in Space

I live a life that propels me in many different directions all at once. At least I did. Now in this current state of the simple life I have room to think and I am not entirely sure I like what I am thinking.

I am doubting my dreams. I am settling into a place that is half of who I am. I was created for more or at least created to give more and be more than what I am dishing out to the world.

I don't know if I like "space" all that much. Maybe it would be better to go back to my 24/7 constant constant, ever so constant life.

Then again maybe not.

Maybe I need this space more than I realize and facing all of this head on is going to help me establish what my true dreams are and what it is I am supposed to be pouring out into the world while I am here.