Sunday, May 25, 2008
Life as I know it is never going to be the same. God granted many wonderful years with a plans and goals, but now it is on to this "new" way of life. This way of life without having plans or straight and narrow goals. So many of my friends are in relationships, engaged, married, or starting families. Now it is not to say that all of these individuals know exactly where they are going and what they are headed for, but the reality is for these people is, that they have company along the way of not knowing. So many times I have joked with others and others have joked around with me that the grass is greener on the other side. I hate that my eyes focus on that which I do not have rather than what I do have. I am twenty-four years old and have already lived a life that only some can dream about. How selfish am I? My life of plans, goals, structure is gone and has been for some time, but I think the reality of it is finally settling in and the present reality of learning to say yes, without knowing the plan is what is taking its place. This is life as I know it.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I probably talked about this at some stage when I was living down in New Zealand, but regardless of that fact I am going to bring it up again. Something that I loved about living down there was that I had to take public transportation. It wasn't love at first sight, but something I acquired and the reason for this love was because of the people I met along the way. I got to meet some of the most caring, passionate, and driven people on those buses. People who changed my way of thinking and the way I look at others. So when I moved back to California there was a deep appreciation that I was going to be able to drive myself wherever I needed to at the drop of a pin. But I also knew with this "new found" freedom would come an overwhelming sense of disappoint. I wouldn't be getting to meet strangers or I would no longer have the convenience of strangers being around me each and every day as they had been before. That was until recently. There are strangers all around me but just happen to cross my life in a different way. And the culture surrounding strangers is a bit different here, just depends on how willing you are to make that jump and feel a bit foolish in talking to someone you don't know. My example for the day is a woman at the gym. We were running right next to each other, but hadn't paid any attention to each other. I was engrossed in my latest book and she engulfed in the television before her. It wasn't until someone made a comment to her that made me laugh and she looked over at me. She smiled and that was it a conversation was born; with that smile she was open to talking and I was open to listening. Spent a few minutes conversing in sync with our treadmills and said our goodbyes. We happened to be leaving the gym at the same time and before we knew it 30 minutes had passed us by. We discussed writing, love, weight, family, cultures, and God. I feel as though I am missing New Zealand so much more in these latter months and maybe that is because I know I am not going back anytime relatively soon. But there are things that I learned down there and piece of me that developed that is trying so desperately to find its place to fit in this society and culture. Sepi was a wonderful reminder that it can happen...she was a wonderful reminder that I can still use the gifts that I have been given and that they have not grown completely rusty in these last 6 months. Sometimes strangers scare me, sometimes strangers make me laugh, and sometimes stranger become more than stranger through the stories we exchange...more often than not I like strangers, because if I have an encounter with a stranger they aren't strangers for long, but friends.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 05, 2008
Anyone ever feel like they know best? I have my moments...I think I have a pretty good grasp of what it is I need. Yet, then I have weeks like these past few and I am constantly reminded that maybe I just don't know what I need. I have been single for five years now and would have to say that, that choice has been pretty much mine. But if I am honest with myself it really hurts sometimes and I look around me and I start comparing other people's stories to my own and before I know it I feel pretty lonely. But then I sit in a room hearing the stories of others and I hear their breaking hearts and even some spirits and I am reminded that I am not the only one sitting in this boat and when I think about it I am available right now. I am available to offer up the gifts that I have to others with my own time. Time is mine and not something that I have to share with another. I have a story and even though it is not the most beautiful of stories it is mine. And I have to believe that through my joys and pains I have something to offer to others through my tales. I have my good days and bad days. Days where I think I have it all together and days where I hope I stay invisible throughout the whole 24 hours. I want what I have seen over the last five years, but do I need it right now? No. What I need right now is to continue to be available and open to share and walk life with others. What I need is a bit more patience and a tad bit more endurance. I made a joke today about patience and it being one of God's lamest fruits of the spirit, but in all honesty...I think patience produces some of the best fruit.