Saturday, October 24, 2009

Hello You...

Today marks 6 months that have shaped and changed the way I think about life, love, and sacrifice.

Today marks roughly 180 days and nights being without someone who has changed me.

Today marks a day I thought would not come along for a very long time.

Today reminds me I am worth it.

Today reminds me that he is worth it.

Today is a day I wish we could celebrate in person and face to face.

Today is a reminder of how sad and heartbroken I must have looked walking through LAX airport.

Today is a reminder that I can care again.

Today truly is a wonderful day even if 10,000 miles stand in the way because...

Today I know those miles won't always be in the way.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Learning to Love

My Dear,
This is where
We'll shake the nightmare free

I dream
To hold you in my arms

Wide awake
In my arms...

I think I figured it out
We need to be together
Like the shore and the sea

We are not one thing
We're drawn here together
My ocean and me...

We sleep apart
For the last time
For the last time..


Sunday, October 18, 2009

To Live Would be an Awfully Big Adventure

I was rummaging through a lot of my old college work this past week and re-read over my media crit paper I wrote my junior year of college (basically a mini thesis) and for back then I am pretty proud of what I put out, dissecting the story of Peter Pan and Neverland and Wendy the wonderful story teller.

My junior year of college was more or less a growing up year for me. Letting the past be the past, growing into new friendships, coming to a shocking reality that college wouldn't be lasting forever. It was great fuel for my paper where I took the angle of a girl who had the choice to either be a child forever or take a risk and grow up to see what would be of her life.

I totally feel like Wendy these days, in between that choice. And some days (more than I would like to admit) I have to remind myself to take the grown up way when I so desperately want to take the child like way...I have learned so much from taking both roads at different points. So here's to living the big adventure with grown up choices and the little kid moments!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Life is full of
light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown
and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross
Shadows, David Crowder Band

I have been listening to this song all week (thanks Em and Christian!) and I just can't seem to shake it. The lyrics may be simple, but they pack a punch. A punch that is worth remembering.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Change of Plans

I find that I am not always the most open and black and white when it comes to my blog entries. I leave a lot of wiggle room and I leave a lot left to the imagination. Maybe this is my style and maybe I am just learning to be honest with myself.

One honest fact about myself is that I always wanted to get married when I was 22. It's true. I remember being in the 8th grade and at my Aunt Sharon's wedding. All day everyone kept asking me when I was going to get married (why on earth they would be asking a 14 year old when she would be getting married is beyond me, but they did). I answered straight faced, "when I am 22." And with that answer I proceeded to explain my logic and reason behind it. I would have enjoyed a bit of my 20s (all two years of them yippee) and I would have been finished with college by that point and on my own.

Man oh man; had only my 26 year old self been there to witness the innocence of a child. I now look back on the last 4 years of my life and can not help but be thankful for the time I have been given. Now don't get me wrong, I still want to get married and experience that part of life (be it the many ups and downs that it will bring), but for me there is something to be said about what an adventure this has been and how much I have grown. I have drastically changed over the last 4 years and a change that I truly hope has been for the better. I look back when I was 22 and really I just felt as though I was starting (and lets face it, I still feel this way some days) but I feel as though I am more of a whole person now than I was back then.

I think this is often the case for many of us. We have a goal and we go after it, but once the goal or time line has passed we feel a bit out of place. I know I did when I was 23. 23 was a weird, odd, and yet beautiful year for me. It was the year that I had never imagined for or truly prepared for and when it arrived it felt as though every day was a surprise. I may put in my two cents with God when it comes to the "change of plans" but I have to say He really does know what He is doing and because of that I am more willing to go on the detour.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Cup of Contemplation

Lessons I learned ages ago are coming back my way, however not in the way you might think. I am an only child and I think one particular disadvantage about growing up this way is that I had this huge need for people. Now a gift that comes from this is that I can handle being alone perfectly well. I easily embrace the opportunities to be alone, but deep down within who I am I don't want to be left behind and I don't want to be alone.

The lesson that comes back to me is that I have grown. I have come to this place in life where I care very deeply for the people around me, but I don't put them at the center of my world. I am no longer the clingy girl who tried everything to get people to like her and even love her. Yes of course I still have the desire to be loved, but I have come to an acceptance that not everyone is going to love me or even like me. There will be seasons that I walk alone and seasons where I am embraced by many people who do truly care for me.

I guess the reason this comes up is because I am watching a couple friends walk the road of clinging to any hand they are able to reach rather than relaxing and letting go and partially falling to wherever they need to fall in order to be at peace with the themselves. It is truly an amazing thing when you come full swing in regards to your specific life lessons. It feels...its feels quite liberating actually.