Sunday, December 31, 2006
discovering the truth. The truth about herself.
The truth about life. And the end to all lies that
she had ever believed. She called out. She called
out from the bottom of her heart to be met half way, to find the complete clearing in the midst of this walk, in the midst of all the fog that surrounded her life. After her plea her foot stumbled upon something. She bent down and felt around to the discovery of a candle. To her relief she picked it up and noticed a lighter next to the candle. She lit the candle, dropped the lighter, and kept going forward. She held it up to lead her way. Even though she may have not been met physically half way, she knew she had been met. She knew that someone was listening. Someone trusted her enough to give her this journey. Someone believed in her more than she believed in herself, especially in these moments of fog. She took that belief and wrapped it around herself. She took it like she took her blankie when she was a child; tucked it in close like a cloak and kept feeling for the path before her. Even though its foggy presence she wasn't so scared or alone anymore.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
I wish there was a way to put it in words, but there just does not seem to be a way. So often these days I find myself riding the bus staring out at all that I pass, the scenery, people, businesses, houses, the ocean, and more... I get lost in it all, as though I was living a story someone was writing. I know to many of you this won't make sense, but I guess if I had to put it into words this would be it. I have never had the dreams to be a doctor, lawyer, director, teacher; an occupation that I knew the steps to get to and so I got there. I have been drifting, but in recent years a better term for it would be trusting. It is trusting that the God who created me does have a purpose for me, so even though it may not have been written on stones for me to run after, its there. I am content with not having my "occupation" before me. I am content with the idea of maybe just working at a seaside cafe for the next year and seeing what comes along. Never in my life have I been this ok with the idea of not knowing. I think for so long I have been attacking God with the ideas and thoughts of wanting to know specifics of what it is He wants me to do, but what a gift He has given me in allowing me to make choices, to not have the structure of life that enables me to go on little journeys here and there. My purpose is to be obedient, listen, and trust. Difficult things mind you, but if you embrace them and Him, the freedom that comes with it is endless!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
In such a short amount of time we are both believing we are here with a purpose and that everything we are doing and each conversation has a reason behind it. The last night we had at Pauanui the LORD gave me great courage in a conversation with 4 older adults. We got into a conversation about world politics, end times, and several other deeper topics. I told Kris after the conversation that normally I would be scared out of my mind in conversations like that; as feeling a bit out numbered. But the incredible thing was that these adults who are 30+ years older than me took in everything I had to say and believed it to some extent. I know over time the LORD is going to create a boldness within me like I have never known. That even when I believe I have no words to share He will give me the right words to share. He will use me to get His point across. We serve an incredible God; who wants nothing more than His children to come to know Him, believe in Him, and live out the life He has called us to. I know for Kris and I this is just the beginning for us, but oh the places we will go, the people we will meet, the encounters we will have along this journey are bound to be some of the most fantastic we have ever had before.
You are all in my thoughts. I miss you, but know, just as I know I am supposed to be here, you are supposed to be where you are. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts. They are felt and received even from many miles away.
With blessings and love,
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Today Kris and I had the chance to go into downtown Auckland. Great city located on the water. (Fun fact: the farthest point from ocean water you will get is 2 hours!) We caught a bus into town and began to explore our way around the city. We ended up going back to the location of a meeting I had yesterday. When we got up there we ran into a friend we made on the bus coming from the airport. His name is Phil and he is from UK, really nice guy. So we ended up spending the day wandering around with Phil our new friend. I found the public transportation quite easy and I told Kris on our ride home that I did not think I would miss driving too much...only on those days were I just wished to get in a car and go for a drive! :)
In these few short ours of being here God has already answered dozens of prayers. One major one being the fact that I was afraid that I should shut down a part of myself and not make friends. I know many of you who know me think this is silly, but truly it was a fear. But when I think about my fears and place them before God I took think they can be quite silly. For all I can see and believe the LORD knew long ago that I would be standing here 10,000 miles away from home, but along the way has been preparing and equipping me for this time as well. What an incredible God we serve. He truly does deserve the praise given to Him in revelation. And alas even though I may not be up there with the ten thousands of angels I am given the opportunity to praise from here...a little island that so desperately needs to know Him. I am humbled at the fact that He chose me. What a gift I have been given.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. May the LORD be with you...no matter where you are on this world.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
If there was anything else that came from this journey home it would be reflected in this picture. God continually whispered to me that my past is indeed my past and there is nothing I can do to change it, but I can learn from it. There are appropriate moments to reflect on it and be thankful for it, but there is no need to dwell there. But I am now to live in the present and look ahead with joy to what it is He has ahead and allow the past to be the road that has brought me to where I stand now. He has so much in store; so many good and wonderful things...
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Is there still more to learn?
Is there still more to see?
I have been on for so long.
My body aches.
My soul thirsts for something new
Are we done?
Are you done?
Am I done?
Let me get off.
And walk by the sea in peace.
With you carrying me...
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Be with those who are hurting.
I have known pain that I never thought would leave,
But You have always been faithful to meet the needs of my heart.
Be with those who are close to me, who are hurting and searching.
I am surrounded by some incredible women...jewels in hiding I guess we could call them.
I and others see their, worth, beauty, and "fight" value.
May they believe all that has been prayed over them.
May they believe they are worth the fight.
Thank you God for the blessings they are in my life.
May I one day have the opportunity to share these special and rare blessings.
May I one day be able to receive my own prayer.
In Your Name.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
It is in these moments that I truly discover who I am
I discover what I was made of
It is in these moments of vulnerability and honesty that I discover
That everything is going to be ok
These moments remind me that no matter how alone I think I am
I never truly am...
This journey has its purpose and I have been given everything I could need
It has been love, encouragement, forgiveness, and forgetting that has lead me here
Now, I see myself on the edge of a waterfall with God, looking at Him as a daughter does
With affection and gratitude
Ready to jump in and feel what this refreshment feels like
Ready to rest in my choices
Take a risk
And fall into it all
Friday, September 22, 2006
Sometimes I can not help to think if they were the wrong choices. For the first time in my life that I can remember, my extended family are putting themselves out there, we talk on the phone, we e-mail, we want to spend time with one another...but maybe we all figured this out around the time I made my choice to move. Maybe we all realized just how important we are to each other.
But then again being the thinker I am, they are for me, the best choices I could be making. I have been so nervous what life looks like for Kris and I once we move over there, but I am already getting the chance to talk with people who are so welcoming that I know in time they will begin to be more of my family than they already are now. Regardless of the choices themselves, they have been my choices and I have done the best of my ability to seek God with all my heart in making these choices.
So maybe in some way and fashion this is my last kiss. For so long I have fought the idea of 'growing up'...I have tried to hang onto my 'Peter Pan' story as long as possible, but I think it happened this summer. Somewhere along the road, somewhere along the journey, things changed; I still get to have fun and be that little kid hiding out on, but this is my last kiss to living the life I have been living. A life of consistency, a plan, an outline. This is a whole new ball game, a whole new way of doing life, but the thing is I am ok with it. I am at peace with the choices I have made. I have accepted, embraced, forgiven, and forgotten. Now it is time to let that part of life go and be a part of who I am. A girl on a journey, hoping that in the process she will be able to honor her Maker, and find a few more parts of herself along the way.
*C.D. I never got a chance to really tell you this, but you inspired me and still do to this day. Thank you for being you. You are the one who is amazing.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Close to 2 nights ago I had poured my heart out to God telling him I was so afraid that once moving to NZ that I would not meet anyone and I would be socially awkward...but here he goes showing me with my own life that no matter where I am in the world he is right there with me and meeting people will not be a problem with him by my side.
This piece of tapestry is an example of my summer, I have gotten to travel, meet new people, have new experiences, and discovered more of the God I love...even in moments I believe to be just shades of black and white, God is weaving together such a beautiful tapestry of not just my life, but of his family. Duah was a gift. He was a wonderful encouragement to a simple girl who likes to write. Thankfully NZ has coffee shops, so I don't think the writing will end here.
Monday, September 18, 2006
See, this girl in the mirror does not always have the easiest time looking in the mirror and seeing the reflection that is before her. But if there is one thing that she can see beyond the image before her is the people who surround her and believe in her. She is a girl who is deeply deeply loved for who she is and who she is becoming. She may not always say the right things, do the right things, or act the right way; but those around her know that it is a part of her journey...it is a part of how God is choosing to shape her. So even though it is not easy to look back at the reflection it is easy to believe in those that God has placed around her to remind her that she is brave, beautiful, and bold in her own way. The reflection she begins to see is not only hers, but those who have surrounded her in good times and in bad.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
- Proverbs 17:17
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
Prayer. Prayer changes everything. Whether it be your specific prayers, God's prayers for you, or the prayers that others say for you without you even knowing it. Since being in college and really having my faith become my own I have discovered what it means to have a rich prayer life even when you are walking through one of the most horrendous seasons of you life or one of those seasons that your friends would just wish you would come off of cloud 28 (that's a joke...cloud 9 when you are totally into someone and that is all you think/talk about...ok so I am not the world's greatest writer, give a sister a break!); and by "rich" it can just be "God I am desperate for you" that is it. Prayer is changing my life. Now to be honest I have not been sitting down alone a lot lately and talking with God in such a way, but it has been my drives too and from work, at the back of weddings, sitting in a car full of friends and laughter, buying airplane tickets, writing my poetry, talking on the phone with people. My prayers have been said throughout all of these things. And I am watching how even in this way it changes your life. Then I am discovering how many people are interceding for me in prayer. Prayer is changing the season I stand in and prayer is playing a role in what is to come.
I often get frustrated with God because He does not do what I wish that He would do, but then He goes and does what He thinks is best and really that was my hearts desire all along...what He wanted. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4.6-7 Like I said my desire more than likely always turn out to be the desires He had for me. I am not sure what this day holds, this next week, or these next few months, but I do know that prayer is going to play a huge part in all of it.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Daily it is the lesson of learning that this world does not revolve around you. In each day it is learning to be excited for others, to give when you feel as though you have nothing left to give, it is the learning that even though seasons may be so similar you as an individual have your own path to walk in this life. I entered this world alone and I will exit it alone, but I can't help but put it out there, that I hope I get to walk it one day with someone too. I hope one day I get to be excited for one specific individual, able to give to someone specific even when I believe I have nothing left to give. This is all your season and I am so excited for each and every one of you. I take great joy in celebrating where you stand and the journey God has taken you on and where He continues to take you. I rejoice at where you all stand and hope and pray that one day I too will get a chance to stand there. With all my love that I have and beyond what I believe I have.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I want to explain it to you. I want you to understand. I know you already see my heart. I "Know" that you know my fears, hopes, anticipations, and everything wrapped up in this soul of mine. So why is it that I am still so scared? Why is it that from this choice...a choice to follow and to take a risk do I find so much peace, but then my heart is weighted with anxiousness? Why? Why, because I am afraid you will leave me out in the middle of the wilderness without any hope of return, because only by you will I be able to make it through. Only by you is this going to be one of the most amazing adventures of my life. My disbelief keeps me at an arms length away from you. Forgive me. Forgive me for my doubt. Forgive me for not believing that this is the best that you have for me. That all of these years of my life have led me to these moments and this choice. "Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don't try and figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." Countless times you have spoken this over me...when I was in pain, when I was overjoyed, in my sleep, in my day to day routine this has been one of your many prayers over me. Thank you. Thank you that even in my disbelief and doubt you love me and call me your own. Thank you for placing in me enough courage to walk through all of this and to make the choices I have. Help my heart to receive the joy you offer, the wisdom you hand over, and the peace that you replenish everyday. I don't deserve this kind of love, but everyday I find myself more and more grateful for it in my life.
Friday, August 11, 2006
I read recently that when blessings blind side you they really are some of the greatest blessings you could receive. Nothing extra ordinary has blind sided me recently, but it has been the day to day blind sides that occur that make me realize how blessed and fortunate I am. My heart is continually desiring to know more and learn more and even when it is scared to step out in faith to explore what the answers could be God is faithful to meet me with some of the best adventures, people, and memories...the journey just continues on.
Monday, August 07, 2006
I wish I could explain to you what it is I am feeling and thinking
I know I may not seem myself and it is not because I am not filled with joy or a passion for life
Because the thing is I am.
I am ready to go
There are moments through this process where I become anxious and my heart fills with doubt
Yet then there is a whisper within my soul
It reminds me that doubt is not given from Him
There is no reason or need to doubt
I am excited go.
I am ready to go.
Not one thing or person is holding me back
I kept asking God to hold it off for a time, to allow me just a bit more time
But its time
Time to see what this is all about
Time to see what is in store
Time to see what I am made of in God
So if I could explain it
I am taking it all in
Monday, July 31, 2006
Since writing you a letter is impossible at this time here is my poor attempt at letting you know.
Thank you for helping to create some of the best memories of my life
Thank you for pursuing me the way every girl dreams of being pursued
Thank you for taking the time to listen
Thank you for the taking the time
Thank you for being vulnerable
I hope one day you will love your Mum just a bit more with your eyes wide open
I hope you will care for her the way she deserves to be cared for
I hope you become the big brother I know you can be
I hope you do stay single for a while and really look at you alone for a while
I pray you continue to write
I pray you continue to use your photography skills to bless others
I hope you know one day that I loved you, but you see...
I walked away because I began to love who I saw you becoming rather than who you were
It was not fair to you and so for the benefit of you and me, I left.
No man wants to be loved for who they could be, but for who they are.
So this is my letter to you.
May you have a wonderful life whever you go.
Good night to you.
With Love From Me
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
So when I began writing here I had grand dreams for what my writings would be about
It was the beginning of a new season I thought
One filled with love, hope, a sense of belonging
How far wrong I was, not even 24 hours of that ideal everything came crashing down
Each month that passes by, each day that enters my life I see a bit more of me
I am discovering a depth I never knew was there and a playful side that missed coming out
I am a woman with many firework shows to write about
I am a girl that just wants to go for a walk through the orange grove
It was the beginning of a beautiful firework show, but sitting from a different view
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Its learning what this looks like
And how this is supposed to be in ones life
Never have I had so many moments
I can keep running from it
Or I can embrace it as one embracing the sun after a long stormy night
Its the sweet simple moments were I see freedom running in
It's in the less dramatic moments were I hear the LORD speak softy
This my daughter is what I have intended for you
This is what it has been about
This is how it is supposed to be
Even with the world spinning around and nothing seems quite settled
This is what it means to experience true freedom
Continue on the Journey
Freedom Moments are some of my favorite moments in life
Sunday, July 16, 2006
As she got out from the car she looked around
It was all so much to take in
Her lungs filled with the sweet mountain air
Her heart began to fill with a pain unexplainable
Her face was alit with the sun beaming bright
Each step she took was one closer to an answer
Each step was one closer to a closure she sought
Then in one moment
One look at that face her heart broke
Her heart cried out in a pain she had with held
She stared straight into those eyes that only wanted to speak the truth
She stared straight into those eyes that only wanted to speak of hope
She is sorry she had not spent more time
She was sorry she had not said I love you more
She loved him
She truly believed a sad truth in the world
That some things you don't realize how much you love them
Until they are but a memory
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
We are who we are
Time continues on as we continue to make choices
Some of the best conversations come with this large mass before us
There is something about it that just makes me want to share
There is something about it that reminds me that You are right there
There is something about it that reminds me it is ok to share
We have become a bit stronger because of what we have walked through together
We have laughed a little bit more
We have shared a bit more than most
Thank you for helping me to discover a bit more of life in ways I only dreamt of
Thank you for sharing with me your life that is like a secret book
We are who we are and for now that is good enough
Saturday, July 08, 2006
I am taking care of myself
It is the first time in a long time
It is a process of denying and receving
Much of my life has been about receiving
Yet when I look at my life now...
I am so much more fulfilled in the letting go and denying aspect
Each day is a new lesson
A new challenge
A new adventure
I am becoming that girl that dances as though no one is watching
I am becoming that girl that truly lives in the day
I am becoming someone I enjoy being around
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006