Saturday, August 30, 2008
Almost a year ago Kristin and I were laying on the living room floor of a house in Christchurch. We were laying down soaking up the sun that was beaming through the window and we were talking about all that we expected of our return home. I think we both said a lot of things that have come to pass and we just knew would be things that we would encounter. Now, maybe I have become a girl that likes to see the glass as half full and even when I call some things into question I want to be positive in believing there is a reason and a purpose.
Lately, taking on that half glass full mentality has not been easy. I complain within my heart, my attitude isn't the same, and I call into question everything, oh yeah and I think FAR too much. But even in these moments of distress flickers of hope remind me exactly who I am. Chris Weinand put it beautifully at church this weekend, 'its as though God quieted the heavens and unashamedly called out my name.' Can you picture this? God quieting all of heaven to call out your name and acknowledge your presence before everyone? I often picture God being ashamed of me (if I am really being honest with myself). Do I want God to be ashamed of me? No. I want to be a daughter that He looks at and beams when I enter the room and that reality is far more true than I believe.
I have gotten stuck in this tangled web that I am half living since I came home. I felt so alive and stretched being somewhere else. This is my beautiful mess. I was a girl who never wanted to the leave the confines of her safe haven "home" and now I can't seem to leave soon enough and on to the next place, the next phase, the next adventure. I just can't seem to sit still and maybe in the midst of all of this, this is what I am supposed to gain and see. That I need to sit still again, I need to commit, I need to embrace and face God in a whole new way and realize that my mess is something He can take and create beauty out of.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Over the last few weeks a group of women have been gathering at my house to study the book of Daniel. Can I just say that I feel so very uneducated. After all the Sunday school classes I went to, week long camps, and Christian education I feel as though some very basic yet practical parts to certain stories were missing (or maybe I wasn't paying attention till now, which is very likely and possible). This book is totally changing me from the inside out. Daniel was an incredible man in his youth all the way through his life. He was filled with integrity, sought out by Kings, loved by the LORD, and much more. Daniel was a man of the ages. His story is impacting my own. His ability to give honor where honor is due, but to truly give glory and praise to the true God of his life.
Beth Moore is continually challenging me with her honesty and vulnerability that makes me want to push through my own pride issues and really get down to heart of the matter. I can not express enough or in a better way what a crazy journey I am on. I have no map for this part of my life. I have no idea where I am going or where He is leading, but I know it is heading towards something good. I believe this with my whole heart. Some days are ugly and hard and all I want to do is to disappear and never to reappear, but that is giving up and I just can't. There is something in me that won't allow me to stop fighting.
I am walking through the fire and its intensity is burning away so much that I thought I could hang on to and be ok with in life. Not true. I have never been as fascinated with scripture as I am right now and each time I open it up and start exploring it, it is drastically rocking my soul and reminding me my time is short and wasting it, is not my best option.