Saturday, August 30, 2008
My Beautiful Mess
Almost a year ago Kristin and I were laying on the living room floor of a house in Christchurch. We were laying down soaking up the sun that was beaming through the window and we were talking about all that we expected of our return home. I think we both said a lot of things that have come to pass and we just knew would be things that we would encounter. Now, maybe I have become a girl that likes to see the glass as half full and even when I call some things into question I want to be positive in believing there is a reason and a purpose.
Lately, taking on that half glass full mentality has not been easy. I complain within my heart, my attitude isn't the same, and I call into question everything, oh yeah and I think FAR too much. But even in these moments of distress flickers of hope remind me exactly who I am. Chris Weinand put it beautifully at church this weekend, 'its as though God quieted the heavens and unashamedly called out my name.' Can you picture this? God quieting all of heaven to call out your name and acknowledge your presence before everyone? I often picture God being ashamed of me (if I am really being honest with myself). Do I want God to be ashamed of me? No. I want to be a daughter that He looks at and beams when I enter the room and that reality is far more true than I believe.
I have gotten stuck in this tangled web that I am half living since I came home. I felt so alive and stretched being somewhere else. This is my beautiful mess. I was a girl who never wanted to the leave the confines of her safe haven "home" and now I can't seem to leave soon enough and on to the next place, the next phase, the next adventure. I just can't seem to sit still and maybe in the midst of all of this, this is what I am supposed to gain and see. That I need to sit still again, I need to commit, I need to embrace and face God in a whole new way and realize that my mess is something He can take and create beauty out of.