I am in the works. To the best of my head and heart knowledge this is the best way to describe where I am in life. For so long I have been looking to others to be somewhat of my road map, my North Star; something to focus on and help make sense of where I am and where I am going. The hard reality of doing this is that at some point there won't be anyone to look to. I think that point has finally arrived; it arrived about a year ago but I just was not willing to admit it. There is no one person to look at in life and go, "their life looks a little bit like mine, so maybe if I do this, this, and this I will get to where they are or have the things they have." I know I was just kidding myself every single time I chose to do this, but I couldn't help it. Freestyle is not my best style, but it is going to have to become a better style within me than it has been. So here is to the freestyler in me:
*Take an Italian class *Try a real yoga class
*Publish one of my short stories
*Attempt a Thanksgiving dinner on my own *Take a trip by myself
*Work in our garden come spring time
These are things I just want to try for me and not because of anyone else.
Cheesy title? Maybe. Significant meaning? Very much so. I believe this two worded phrase to mean so much more in my generation. In today's age we are being fed so many messages about hope and how it's never coming or it's just around the corner...regardless of these messages of hope I know my hope to be based upon something so much more substantial than all the other temporary hopes offered to me. My hope floats. It is not grounded or weighed down by this earth. It floats and is constantly within my grasp to take a hold of if I choose. This life seems to be constantly about choices. So one of my girl friends and I decided that with all these choices were going to choose to reach out and grasp the hope that is within our reach. We are both in the midst of just crazy growing up times. So in these times of confusion, loss, adventure, and uncertainty I am thankful and appreciative that my hope floats.
Hope: –verb (used with object) 6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7. to believe, desire, or trust
–verb (used without object) 8. to feel that something desired may happen
9. Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).
—Idiom 10. hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it
This has been a blog in the works, one that I have sat with and wrestled and deleted a dozen times. So tonight is the night I am going to write and not delete.
I truly dislike that often in the relationships besides my parents that I feel as though I am an after thought. I am not sure what has changed in the last five years, but its as though I fell into a ditch had no idea how I got there, found the resources to climb out, and now I am back in the land of the living. However, I feel as though I am living as a second thought to certain people I love very much. It hurts a bit. My life has served me sweet moments and moments of extreme distaste but it has been through those sour moments that have given me an inner strength.
I guess I am just hoping that one day this extreme after thought feeling won't be the case and like the velveteen rabbit I will one day be a primary thought.
that prayers that are spoken can be answered in the manner in which we request? I asked for something and I got it. It often doesn't happen and I tend to move forward away from my requests understanding that what I am asking for may not always be what I need (now or ever). My heart breaks a bit for getting the answer I did, but mainly I feel a sense of release and peace.