Monday, June 30, 2008


2 + 2 = 4
Touching the inside of an oven when it's on hurts
Honesty is the best policy
We all go through hard seasons
Getting your heart broken doesn't mean you are broken forever
Genuine laughing helps ease my painful moments
Insurance goes up when you move away from small towns into big towns
We all have things to be thankful for
Apples I am convinced keep doctors away
Learning doesn't end once you have a piece of paper in a pretty holder
God forgives and God loves and that is what I am learning right now

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Milky Way

It is the thing I can't help but do when I am at home and I know there isn't a full moon. I wait until really late at night, grab a blanket, and a pillow; and I lay out on our back lawn. The view from my backyard looking up at the night sky is incredible. Something that so often I hear scares people, draws me in. It's this vast wide open space and there are these millions of little lights (to me at least) hanging in the sky. I have done this since as far back as my mind will carry me and whether I am up at home on the Central Coast of California or standing on the outskirts of a large city in Orange County I hope I continue to do it.

Saturday, June 14, 2008


It has that distinct and very clear smell. I didn't use to like the smell of bleach growing up but something about it in my middle years of life has caused me to appreciate the smell. It signifies cleanliness...something I very much appreciate in many different ways. I appreciate when our place of living is clean, when my room is clean, when my office space is clean, when I am clean, when my heart and soul are clean. Right now I would have to say though I need a good dousing of bleach on me. I phrased it to someone the other night as the "walking wounded" and I truly hate being that way. I truly dislike the steps that have lead me to this place where I am standing. Yet again, God ever so gently and kindly reminds me that He is the bleach in my life. Every morning He provides something that no other human in my life can provide. I am so human, disgusting, and hurting. Yet I am forgiven, loved, and found to be treasured. Life and the seasons in it are beyond anything I can truly put into words. But I continue to walk through it so that has to say something right? Now on that to clean the oven.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hard Times

So currently my Facebook status is set as "Heidi is still wondering". And many people have asked what is it that I am wondering about. And what I am wondering is, just about life in general. I am wondering about cancer that is consuming people I know. Tragic deaths and heart break. Loneliness. Politics. World power. Revelation. History. These are just a few of the thoughts running through my mind at the present moment. I know hard times have always been around, but as we sat around a living room the other night, my girl friends and I discussed how life used to be so much more "simple". All these elements were there, but there has been a level of complexity that has been added to the mix. Whenever I begin to think about these topics. I feel as though I am standing in the middle of an intersection knowing full well that life isn't going to "slow down" as I try to understand them a bit more; but sometimes I am given an empty intersection. It's still an intersection that represents a way for life to quickly pass by, but this empty intersection enables me to think through it and not rush through it. Life is interesting to me and as I keep living it out I think on that thought...that this crazy life is so incredibly interesting.

Thursday, June 05, 2008


I should be in bed or at least getting ready for bed.

I have discovered over the last two years that I am an 8 hour sleep kind of girl. I did horrible things to my body throughout college. Forcing it to function on 30 minute cat naps before turning in a HUGE paper, talking to all hours of the morning only to realize the night had passed by, driven around till the sun came up just so you could catch a glimpse of that first morning light. Yes, I did horrible things to my body, but that produced some great memories and stories! Needless to say I think I can survive on 7 hours and 45 minutes and be ok in the morning.

All that to say, I am not in bed. I am sitting here. Here upstairs. Window open. Thoughts and ideas surrounding my mind which does make it awfully hard to fall asleep.

Over the last few weeks people have been sharing their dreams and desires with me and I have been bold enough to share some of mine in return. Now for those of you who know me, this has become a trying thing over the years. Its as though something in me broke and, well, I just couldn't commit to one thing. My mind and goals were all over the place. I wanted to be a professional photographer, missionary in a third world country, chef, work in a bookstore somewhere in New York; to become something great and grand rather than the opposite in my mind of becoming boring and drab. But over the weeks and months I have committed. I have committed to the not knowing. I have declared that I want to be an author of some sort. I have committed to staying and not running (at least for now). My life has ended up ever so different than I thought. Have you felt this way before? Or is what you had envisioned your whole life coming to pass just as you thought? I know choices play a large role in what has taken place. I know things could have been very different.For example: I discovered a love of other people groups and countries because of the love someone showed me through their passion for it. I know that had this person not invested in me the way they did I may have not been so passionate about seeing and being a part of other countries and cultures like I have. My heart aches to be a part of something much greater than I am and seeing what I have seen, held the people I have held, walked the city streets I have, I have caught a glimpse of that "greater".

This is a strange season for me and as I look at past blogs it looks a lot like ramblings and for those of you who have stuck around to see what is next I thank you. It doesn't feel so lonely. I know something is taking place in my life...a sort of shifting/anticipation feeling. (not that I base life off of feelings, but lets call it a girls intuition). Life is shifting and the lives around me are shifting. I jokingly made a comment today to a friend asking, "Want to move countries with me?" I just can't completely commit. I want to and I think that is a part of this season and journey. God is calling me to stay put, to leave my "running shoes" in the closest for the timing being, and actually watch Him cultivate some things here. It doesn't mean I am forever barred from "going anywhere else" it just means waiting for the right time and when that times arrives I won't hesitate in the least. This I am sure of.

Bed time.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

My Definition of Laughter

Laughter: an action filled with emotion that refreshes the soul and comes exactly when you need it.