Thursday, June 05, 2008
I should be in bed or at least getting ready for bed.
I have discovered over the last two years that I am an 8 hour sleep kind of girl. I did horrible things to my body throughout college. Forcing it to function on 30 minute cat naps before turning in a HUGE paper, talking to all hours of the morning only to realize the night had passed by, driven around till the sun came up just so you could catch a glimpse of that first morning light. Yes, I did horrible things to my body, but that produced some great memories and stories! Needless to say I think I can survive on 7 hours and 45 minutes and be ok in the morning.
All that to say, I am not in bed. I am sitting here. Here upstairs. Window open. Thoughts and ideas surrounding my mind which does make it awfully hard to fall asleep.
Over the last few weeks people have been sharing their dreams and desires with me and I have been bold enough to share some of mine in return. Now for those of you who know me, this has become a trying thing over the years. Its as though something in me broke and, well, I just couldn't commit to one thing. My mind and goals were all over the place. I wanted to be a professional photographer, missionary in a third world country, chef, work in a bookstore somewhere in New York; to become something great and grand rather than the opposite in my mind of becoming boring and drab. But over the weeks and months I have committed. I have committed to the not knowing. I have declared that I want to be an author of some sort. I have committed to staying and not running (at least for now). My life has ended up ever so different than I thought. Have you felt this way before? Or is what you had envisioned your whole life coming to pass just as you thought? I know choices play a large role in what has taken place. I know things could have been very different.For example: I discovered a love of other people groups and countries because of the love someone showed me through their passion for it. I know that had this person not invested in me the way they did I may have not been so passionate about seeing and being a part of other countries and cultures like I have. My heart aches to be a part of something much greater than I am and seeing what I have seen, held the people I have held, walked the city streets I have, I have caught a glimpse of that "greater".
This is a strange season for me and as I look at past blogs it looks a lot like ramblings and for those of you who have stuck around to see what is next I thank you. It doesn't feel so lonely. I know something is taking place in my life...a sort of shifting/anticipation feeling. (not that I base life off of feelings, but lets call it a girls intuition). Life is shifting and the lives around me are shifting. I jokingly made a comment today to a friend asking, "Want to move countries with me?" I just can't completely commit. I want to and I think that is a part of this season and journey. God is calling me to stay put, to leave my "running shoes" in the closest for the timing being, and actually watch Him cultivate some things here. It doesn't mean I am forever barred from "going anywhere else" it just means waiting for the right time and when that times arrives I won't hesitate in the least. This I am sure of.