Disbelief

I want to explain it to you. I want you to understand. I know you already see my heart. I "Know" that you know my fears, hopes, anticipations, and everything wrapped up in this soul of mine. So why is it that I am still so scared? Why is it that from this choice...a choice to follow and to take a risk do I find so much peace, but then my heart is weighted with anxiousness? Why? Why, because I am afraid you will leave me out in the middle of the wilderness without any hope of return, because only by you will I be able to make it through. Only by you is this going to be one of the most amazing adventures of my life. My disbelief keeps me at an arms length away from you. Forgive me. Forgive me for my doubt. Forgive me for not believing that this is the best that you have for me. That all of these years of my life have led me to these moments and this choice. "Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don't try and figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." Countless times you have spoken this over me...when I was in pain, when I was overjoyed, in my sleep, in my day to day routine this has been one of your many prayers over me. Thank you. Thank you that even in my disbelief and doubt you love me and call me your own. Thank you for placing in me enough courage to walk through all of this and to make the choices I have. Help my heart to receive the joy you offer, the wisdom you hand over, and the peace that you replenish everyday. I don't deserve this kind of love, but everyday I find myself more and more grateful for it in my life.