Love, Save the Empty

The

Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn't teach me.
Little boys don't know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn't show me.

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.

Again, the false attention.
Again, you're breaking inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, save me.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty.

Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we're fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.

Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty, and save me.
And save me.

*Erin McCarley

It really is the tune that has caught my attention and as I read through the lyrics they break my heart, because it is a real good representation of my earlier years in life; but it also reminds me of how thankful I am to know what true love is and where it truly comes from.

A Journey of a Different Color

Lately I have been having this notion that my life has been a bit colorless lately. It's not that I don't have things going on that make my world not colorful, because after the start to this year and the few blogs I have already shared, it sure has been a "colorful" start to the year.

I think ultimately what I am gauging at is, inside. To the outside world I am doing my best to exude colors, but on the inside I feel rather grey. Maybe it has to do with work and the growing discouragement I feel mounting there. Or maybe it has to deal with my recent isolated life that I am having to live out right now. I am seeking God with all that I have and pouring everything that I am before Him. Sharing my fears and my unbelief. It is my unbelief that I hate revealing before God...ie..."are you truly going to come through like you have promised you would?" But who I am to even ask such a thing? But like I said, above most things this is the one topic that I try and "hide" from God because of the true foolishness behind the whole concept.

Regardless of it all...this is my journey (hence the title of the blog:)) be it grey, magenta, aqua, black, yellow...this is it and maybe this section of the journey is all about the cultivation of a new kind of color.

Breathing Room

Finally in the midst of a crazy start to 2010 I feel as though I have found some breathing space of my own. For sure I was able to find some in New Zealand, but I knew the time there was limited so to be able to find space here at home, I am grateful. With having the move, a work trip, my Grandpa being hospitalized just to name a few things it is nice to have this down time and to really grasp what I have been walking through and to be able to come to some sort of peaceful place before moving on to whatever else 2010 has to throw at me.

I think like so many I was expecting 2010 to have a much cleaner start than 2009, but as I have referenced it to a friend I believe this to be a fire and favor year. In order to really have a grasp of what favor is you must first walk through the fire and go through a refinement process. Yes it may be painful, but I like to think through this process I am never truly burnt just heated until a certain level of perfection. True examples being Daniel who was thrown in the lions den who was not devoured or Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego who were thrown into the furnace and not burnt or even singed. So for now, I take in this space and the time it allows me to just be, as I let the old fade away and gain a better more grateful heart for what I have been given.

New Neighborhood

So it is official I am in the new place and getting used to my "new" yet somewhat familar surroundings. Ladera is a lot like Irvine; however it is more situated up against the hills which provide a great place to explore as I took the time yesterday to do (a much needed break from all the unpacking!).

I have to say these Ladera/Irvineish neighborhoods make me laugh a little bit because any time I go for a walk I can't help but think of movies like Pleasantville where life and the atmosphere surrounding these neightborhoods is one that gives off the idea of perfection. Always a bit strange and funny to me, but here I am. Home for the next 6 months.

Embracing the Unknown

Let me just start by saying that I had a great plan for when I got home from New Zealand. It was to sleep and not think. To sleep as long as my body possibly needed and to shut out the world for a few days and recharge my battery. Needless to say I got part of my wish; I got one solid night of sleep as well as getting to shut out the world while I attempted to make sense of the fact that I had to move out of what had been my home the last two years in just under a week.

Through circumstances unpreventable to my roommate and I we had to be out by March 1st. Did I mention I got this news 4 hours after landing? In my head I had to act fast, because I knew it was the goal to truly be out of the house before March 1st. Within 24 hours a girlfriend of mine and I had a place. She was struggling at her current place and is planning a wedding for August, so when we came together we decided to move into a place that her and her fiance will be calling home, which in turn means another move for me (but that is not what this entry is about...lets just take it one move at a time :)).

So over the last week I pretty much left my New Zealand bags packed, and starting grabbing boxes from work, friends, and packing up my little world. I knew 2010 was going to hold a lot of change, but I don't think my brain was in the place to start right away, but isn't that how life works sometimes? We aren't entirely ready but we get pushed out there and just have to jump and hope for the best?

I think towards the end of last year I started to question where I was standing, where I was going, and what tangible things really needed to change in my life. If this had been my choice I would have eased into it, like when you get into a spa, you don't just jump right in, you ease your way in. I like to think about things, then plan, then execute. But this is my year to just jump right in and embrace the unknown all while yelling "come on in the waters fine" :) The great thing about it all is that I know I am not alone. I have a God who has stood by me and provided in ways that I didn't even know how to ask for provision. I have great, loyal, and funny friends who are willing to jump right in the water with me and wade through whatever may come next, because believe me I know there is more to come.

I challenged God many nights ago in a courtyard looking up at the stars that I did not want to live a "cookie cutter" life and in some ways I wish I could take it back. "Cookie cutter" is safe, secure, and has a certain level of consistency that I crave. But He didn't listen and in other ways I am glad He didn't. My life is very much its own level of "cookie cutterness" to keep me sane, but it is moments and seasons like this that remind me I am very much apart of this life and I have a purpose and I need to wake up and embrace it or else I am going to have woken up and life will have just passed me by.

Welcome to my home for the next 6 months :)

The Great Goodbye

This is going to hurt and that just down right bites.