When talking with my friends about my life, I have always explained that I tend to look for others that have a similar story line going, because that way I will know how things turn out. Now obviously this is a silly way to go through life, because the reality is my life will never quite look like theirs. It will look like mine and therefore I am going to have to trust the steps that I take to be ones that propel me forward not backwards.
Lately, I am making a lot of forward steps, so much so that everything seems new, there is no familiarity, and there are no signs that anyone around me has walked this road to give me a glimmer of hope that was is to come is well worth it. I can talk a good game of change and like I have written here so many times, change can be such a great thing and like a breath of refresh air, but when it happens all it once, in every aspect of my life I can't help but get scared just a little.
I had a good conversation with God about this just this morning. It started off with me apologizing for not writing enough or investing in the relationship like I should, but I knew He understood, because I know that He knows me better than I do, and through this conversation of sorts I came to the conclusion that I get in the way of myself. I know who I am and who I was created to be, so rather than leaning into fear or the road maps of others I must lean into faith and the knowledge of who I am and who I have been created to be. As my life has continued on, I over the years, have been able to pin point my strengths and what I am gifted in, and now I have to start moving in those and walking in that hope that God has given me through them.
I read a lot and I write a lot and because of these two elements I love to know the ending. I think I apply the same perspective to my own life, I want to know how it ends, but for my life's aspect I think a part of that is propelled by fear. So rather than being propelled by fear I must be propelled by joy and learning to live better in the present moments I have been given rather than rushing through the "pages" to discover the ending.
I would have loved at around 15 for God to have given me a road map for where I was supposed to go and the choices I should make, but He loves me more than that. He loved me enough to let me fly and to ultimately have to make the day to day choice to trust Him and trust that I can make the good and sound choices of "right" or "left", staying in Southern California for the first year of marriage or moving to Portland (just an example) :)
This conversation with God won't end today though. I'm still scared, but I know His peace will surpass my fear and that will be enough to get through the next "right" or "left".