Silence

I just want to understand and know myself

just a little bit better. Is that too much to ask?

Prayer

Every time I start to write something in this space given to me I am always wanting to write a story about the image I post next to these words...but then I always chicken out. However me confessing that I want to write a story every time is a step in the direction of actually doing it I think:) But not today...
Prayer. Prayer changes everything. Whether it be your specific prayers, God's prayers for you, or the prayers that others say for you without you even knowing it. Since being in college and really having my faith become my own I have discovered what it means to have a rich prayer life even when you are walking through one of the most horrendous seasons of you life or one of those seasons that your friends would just wish you would come off of cloud 28 (that's a joke...cloud 9 when you are totally into someone and that is all you think/talk about...ok so I am not the world's greatest writer, give a sister a break!); and by "rich" it can just be "God I am desperate for you" that is it. Prayer is changing my life. Now to be honest I have not been sitting down alone a lot lately and talking with God in such a way, but it has been my drives too and from work, at the back of weddings, sitting in a car full of friends and laughter, buying airplane tickets, writing my poetry, talking on the phone with people. My prayers have been said throughout all of these things. And I am watching how even in this way it changes your life. Then I am discovering how many people are interceding for me in prayer. Prayer is changing the season I stand in and prayer is playing a role in what is to come.

I often get frustrated with God because He does not do what I wish that He would do, but then He goes and does what He thinks is best and really that was my hearts desire all along...what He wanted. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4.6-7 Like I said my desire more than likely always turn out to be the desires He had for me. I am not sure what this day holds, this next week, or these next few months, but I do know that prayer is going to play a huge part in all of it.

With All My Love

Daily it is the lesson of learning that this world does not revolve around you. In each day it is learning to be excited for others, to give when you feel as though you have nothing left to give, it is the learning that even though seasons may be so similar you as an individual have your own path to walk in this life. I entered this world alone and I will exit it alone, but I can't help but put it out there, that I hope I get to walk it one day with someone too. I hope one day I get to be excited for one specific individual, able to give to someone specific even when I believe I have nothing left to give. This is all your season and I am so excited for each and every one of you. I take great joy in celebrating where you stand and the journey God has taken you on and where He continues to take you. I rejoice at where you all stand and hope and pray that one day I too will get a chance to stand there. With all my love that I have and beyond what I believe I have.

Disbelief

I want to explain it to you. I want you to understand. I know you already see my heart. I "Know" that you know my fears, hopes, anticipations, and everything wrapped up in this soul of mine. So why is it that I am still so scared? Why is it that from this choice...a choice to follow and to take a risk do I find so much peace, but then my heart is weighted with anxiousness? Why? Why, because I am afraid you will leave me out in the middle of the wilderness without any hope of return, because only by you will I be able to make it through. Only by you is this going to be one of the most amazing adventures of my life. My disbelief keeps me at an arms length away from you. Forgive me. Forgive me for my doubt. Forgive me for not believing that this is the best that you have for me. That all of these years of my life have led me to these moments and this choice. "Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don't try and figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." Countless times you have spoken this over me...when I was in pain, when I was overjoyed, in my sleep, in my day to day routine this has been one of your many prayers over me. Thank you. Thank you that even in my disbelief and doubt you love me and call me your own. Thank you for placing in me enough courage to walk through all of this and to make the choices I have. Help my heart to receive the joy you offer, the wisdom you hand over, and the peace that you replenish everyday. I don't deserve this kind of love, but everyday I find myself more and more grateful for it in my life.

Blind Sided

I read recently that when blessings blind side you they really are some of the greatest blessings you could receive. Nothing extra ordinary has blind sided me recently, but it has been the day to day blind sides that occur that make me realize how blessed and fortunate I am. My heart is continually desiring to know more and learn more and even when it is scared to step out in faith to explore what the answers could be God is faithful to meet me with some of the best adventures, people, and memories...the journey just continues on.

Breathing Deep

I wish I could explain to you what it is I am feeling and thinking
I know I may not seem myself and it is not because I am not filled with joy or a passion for life
Because the thing is I am.
I am ready to go
There are moments through this process where I become anxious and my heart fills with doubt
Yet then there is a whisper within my soul
It reminds me that doubt is not given from Him
There is no reason or need to doubt
I am excited go.
I am ready to go.
Nothing
Not one thing or person is holding me back
I kept asking God to hold it off for a time, to allow me just a bit more time
But its time
Time to see what this is all about
Time to see what is in store
Time to see what I am made of in God
So if I could explain it
I am taking it all in
Reflecting
Breathing deep