Movie Month!

All different and good in their own way. If you listen to movie scores I highly recommend The Duchess score. On to movie night with the roomie! :)

AfterThought

This has been a blog in the works, one that I have sat with and wrestled and deleted a dozen times. So tonight is the night I am going to write and not delete.

I truly dislike that often in the relationships besides my parents that I feel as though I am an after thought. I am not sure what has changed in the last five years, but its as though I fell into a ditch had no idea how I got there, found the resources to climb out, and now I am back in the land of the living. However, I feel as though I am living as a second thought to certain people I love very much. It hurts a bit. My life has served me sweet moments and moments of extreme distaste but it has been through those sour moments that have given me an inner strength.

I guess I am just hoping that one day this extreme after thought feeling won't be the case and like the velveteen rabbit I will one day be a primary thought.

Who Would Have Thought...

that prayers that are spoken can be answered in the manner in which we request? I asked for something and I got it. It often doesn't happen and I tend to move forward away from my requests understanding that what I am asking for may not always be what I need (now or ever). My heart breaks a bit for getting the answer I did, but mainly I feel a sense of release and peace.

So You Think You Can Dance

Some of my favorite and funniest memories are wrapped up in this show. Thanks girls for making it a great night!!

Your Thoughts

Tell me something simply wonderful about your week...

No, I am not kidding. I really want to know. :)

Relief

Ever get that feeling of relief when you find something you have lost? This is a devotional my Dad gave me a few months back and I carry it with me everywhere. I lost it and then thanks to a much smarter friend who has similar thoughts to my own, helped me locate it in my car. What a great relief. Thanks Nanny!

Tri-Nations Cup

The New Zealand boys won this morning (however I watched it tonight). It was a great game and made me wish that rugby was a bigger sport then it currently is in the states!

Way to go All Blacks!!

Looking Ahead

Ready or not here we go...

Paradise Cove

Sometimes it just takes a few moments of change and a bit of fresh air to remind you the sky isn't falling. I have been sitting in my beautiful mess for what seems to be the last fives years, it can be a little bit overwhelming as some of you gathered from my previous post, but it isn't always like that. It takes those weeks to stir you into doing something about the funk and overwhelmingness ( I like creating words) of it all.

My form this time was getting away from what I normally do, what I am normally around, take a mini adventure...and visiting my Aunt in Glendale seemed like the perfect idea since we hadn't seen each other since around Christmas time. I enjoy getting to spend time with her and sharing life with her. While I was growing up she was always so easy to talk to and to this day is very much still that listening ear. She is one of the few to make me laugh and lighten the mood in which I stand and ponder my thoughts.

Having no expectations for this weekend, we woke up this morning and took a drive down Malibu Canyon Road and towards PCH. It was a beautiful morning and the perfect time to go down before the afternoon beach crowds started arriving. We had breakfast near this pier below and walked down the beach for a few miles. Its a beautiful place and resembled so many places in this world that bring me to a place of letting go of what little control I think I have.

It is refreshing to find these sweet little spots of paradise and to be able to have a few moments to relish in them.

Oxygen

Just a little reminder that makes me want to keep doing what I am doing. Thanks Grae for the article and thank you to those of you who continue to read my ramblings, and challenge me to keep writing them.

My Beautiful Mess

Almost a year ago Kristin and I were laying on the living room floor of a house in Christchurch. We were laying down soaking up the sun that was beaming through the window and we were talking about all that we expected of our return home. I think we both said a lot of things that have come to pass and we just knew would be things that we would encounter. Now, maybe I have become a girl that likes to see the glass as half full and even when I call some things into question I want to be positive in believing there is a reason and a purpose.

Lately, taking on that half glass full mentality has not been easy. I complain within my heart, my attitude isn't the same, and I call into question everything, oh yeah and I think FAR too much. But even in these moments of distress flickers of hope remind me exactly who I am. Chris Weinand put it beautifully at church this weekend, 'its as though God quieted the heavens and unashamedly called out my name.' Can you picture this? God quieting all of heaven to call out your name and acknowledge your presence before everyone? I often picture God being ashamed of me (if I am really being honest with myself). Do I want God to be ashamed of me? No. I want to be a daughter that He looks at and beams when I enter the room and that reality is far more true than I believe.

I have gotten stuck in this tangled web that I am half living since I came home. I felt so alive and stretched being somewhere else. This is my beautiful mess. I was a girl who never wanted to the leave the confines of her safe haven "home" and now I can't seem to leave soon enough and on to the next place, the next phase, the next adventure. I just can't seem to sit still and maybe in the midst of all of this, this is what I am supposed to gain and see. That I need to sit still again, I need to commit, I need to embrace and face God in a whole new way and realize that my mess is something He can take and create beauty out of.

Blank Canvas

Sometimes when I walk through different seasons that aren't the prettiest I don't like to use this "canvas" as my way of venting. However, so many good and incredible things come out of these different seasons, so I promise to share soon...

Meet Max!!

So, this is the newest part of our family and he has nothing but love to give and is more than willing to accept any love you have to offer! He is a total crack and a bit too smart for his own good or possibly the good/sanity of my parents. :)

Rock Your Soul

Over the last few weeks a group of women have been gathering at my house to study the book of Daniel. Can I just say that I feel so very uneducated. After all the Sunday school classes I went to, week long camps, and Christian education I feel as though some very basic yet practical parts to certain stories were missing (or maybe I wasn't paying attention till now, which is very likely and possible). This book is totally changing me from the inside out. Daniel was an incredible man in his youth all the way through his life. He was filled with integrity, sought out by Kings, loved by the LORD, and much more. Daniel was a man of the ages. His story is impacting my own. His ability to give honor where honor is due, but to truly give glory and praise to the true God of his life.

Beth Moore is continually challenging me with her honesty and vulnerability that makes me want to push through my own pride issues and really get down to heart of the matter. I can not express enough or in a better way what a crazy journey I am on. I have no map for this part of my life. I have no idea where I am going or where He is leading, but I know it is heading towards something good. I believe this with my whole heart. Some days are ugly and hard and all I want to do is to disappear and never to reappear, but that is giving up and I just can't. There is something in me that won't allow me to stop fighting.

I am walking through the fire and its intensity is burning away so much that I thought I could hang on to and be ok with in life. Not true. I have never been as fascinated with scripture as I am right now and each time I open it up and start exploring it, it is drastically rocking my soul and reminding me my time is short and wasting it, is not my best option.

Some days I wonder...

if you will ever physically show up and swing with me.

Sweet Summer Time

Getty evening fun

Life Group water fights

Random car photo shoots

Love

Date nights with girl friends

Orange

Reading just for the pleasure of it

Adventures

Friends coming home from other countries

"Surprise" visits

4th of July

Just a few things I enjoy about summer time

Intimacy and Rejection

This post has been lingering in my line up for a while now and I have toyed with many different ideas of how it should go. And I am still not sure this is how I want it to go, but I need to let go of it and move on to other wonderful posts that need to be written. I have written countless entries about my interactions with strangers and about my loved ones. So I guess this would be a mix of the two.

I had the pleasure of accompanying a dear friend (who is becoming like family more and more every day) to the Getty museum. We both needed a change, an adventure, something to take us out of where we were both currently standing. I am glad I said yes to the adventure, because when I say adventure it was nothing short of just that. We walked the gardens, took photos, made up stories about strangers, and even befriended one. His name was Simon. The best way to describe it is soul recognition. I know it is a strange phrase, but there was something about this kid that stuck out to me and I couldn't shake. I know he felt it too because he walked right up to us and said, "I think we are supposed to meet." The next two hours were a bit of a blur as I caught a glimpse of this stranger that didn't feel so strange.

We ended the night with a 10 minute walk down a curvy road and for some reason I knew I would never forget that walk. I felt so alive. I was thinking, being creative, being challenged, and just excited about life. Simon felt it too. We took a ride on the lifts going up and down, up and down, finally to the discovery of Simon's car where, he opened his trunk to a full load of all sorts of different books, mostly about art, life, poetry, and even a bit of religion. My eyes caught a glimpse of a Jewish heritage book and I was intrigued. He made a remark about our faith that my friend and I totally disagreed with (about how Christian's don't get to truly live) and I knew I couldn't be silent. So I shared the most important thing I had with a stranger I barely knew but knew there was something more than meets the eye. Within a matter of moments that stranger became a wilted flower. He had vanished right before my very eyes and I don't think I saw anyone run (metaphorically) so fast in my life.

I know Simon is still out in the world, somewhere in Southern California, riding his bike, or in his car generously giving away his beautiful book collection. That night something in my heart ached and broke. Maybe because the one I truly loves has told me that my heart will break for the things that break His.

My heart breaks for you Simon. I have thought about you almost every day since our encounter. I do not judge you. I do not condemn you. I am just thinking about you and praying for you. Hoping that one day you will truly know what it means to live in the midst of intimacy and rejection.


*photo by Nan, inspired by Heidi

Childhood Dreams DO Come True!

Meet Max. He is a one year old miniature golden-doodle and now belongs to my family.

My Aunt and Uncle that live in Santa Cruz went in search for the perfect dog for the family a few years back and in their search happened to discover this breed. They did their research and found breeders they trusted and a few months later they had Pasti...the fun loving HUGE golden-doodle. My family loved being around Pasti and on several occasions has kept him a couple weekends on our 3 acre property; allowing him to soak up all the openness that his incredible home can not always provide on a daily basis.

Over the last few months our families just seemed to talk about dogs and my parents getting one...but I knew it would take a miracle. We spent this past Christmas up in Santa Cruz and when we went out to walk Pasti one afternoon this is where I got introduced to the miniature version of Pasti and fell in love (but never really voiced this opinion).

Well, last weekend Max's current living situation was one that he could no longer stay in. So with my Aunt's quick dealings in a matter of days my Mum and her best friend were driving up to Santa Cruz to pick up Max.

Max is loving (all 4 days) the Central Coast and now when I call my parents it sounds as though they have another child in the house, which only makes me laugh with joy for them! Change is a little tough for them, but I think Max is the perfect addition to our family and to their home.

First Time for Everything!

So, a few months ago I got asked if I would take some engagement photos for a friend. I was in shock when I read the e-mail and a million thoughts raced through my head, one being, "my photos have always been for my pleasure and it has never mattered what other people thought, but this time it would matter." I told her I needed to think about it and would get back to her. After some thought and the idea of a "challenge" I accepted.

I went to church that Sunday morning and felt sick. Went to one of my favorite lunch spots, Chipotle, and couldn't eat a thing. I had butterflies and boy were they HUGE ones at that. I drove to Orange and explored this little section of Orange County that I had never known before. Then I waited. Sitting in Orange Circle I relaxed and watched families and musicians pass me by and then they arrived.

Laura and Todd by far made this experience so worth it! They had fun exploring with me and in the process I caught some fun moments. I learned a lot and really got a chance to see life and love more through a photographers eye which was wonderful! Thanks Laura for the believing in this girl's "hobby".

Congratulations Laura and Todd!

Dear Gray

Dear Gray,

There is so much that could be placed here. SO many jokes I could relay into the world of blogging, but I don't think anyone else would think they are as funny as we do.

Thank you for being this unexpected friend that showed up at an airport and truly left me speechless just by that act. Thank you for listening to my dreams and my fears. Not many people are willing to invest as you have and even though it seems like light years separate the communication it means a lot to me to be able to have you around.

You are brave and so smart. Don't give up and don't lose hope. You have some of the most amazing goals and desires stored away that I know the LORD sees and wants to honor. You, my gray, friend have made so many sacrifices to stand up for what you believe and for those you believe in. I cherish each and every message, each and every question, and each and every random thought. So on that note...black and white photos or color photos? :)

Ciao

Choosing Joy

Often in life I come to this place that holds toughness, aches, dryness, and voidness (yes it is my own word!). This place looks the same through and through, but if I take a closer look I see things have changed, I have changed, my perspective has changed since standing here once before (that once before seeming to be only a few months ago).

So of the dearest people in my life who are walking this, what seems to be out of control, journey with me get this concept. But one main point that we have come across in this desolate land is a choice. A choice that we allow to consume us to the very core and rob us of our belovedness. Sometimes we admit, that we roll over and allow it do this very thing. And then there are seasons within this season where we get up and fight with what little might we have left in us. We make the choice to choose joy. We fight for this choice that has been given to us. We allow it to consume us and impact this wasteland that we are traveling through. But as we continue to move forward it isn't so much of a waste but a learning ground...a playing field of sorts.

We have been chosen just as Joseph was chosen, just as Ruth was chosen, just as Job was chosen, just as Moses was chosen, just as Joshua was chosen. I am choosing to believe in the eternal joy that was bestowed on me 15 years ago in small, blink your eyes, and miss it town. I made a commitment. I made a commitment that did not promise happiness all the days of my life, but a Saviour who restores the joy of my soul in a way that none can.

I chose. I have chosen. I am continually choosing.