Thanksgiving At Its Finest

I love it when we get together because through all of our ups and downs as a family we always know how to have a good time. Sometimes I forget how much I am like them and when I get around them it is a sweet reminder that I do belong, even if the belonging is temporary. I am thankful for this crazy Italian French family!

Seattle

This is my New Year's destination and I could not be more excited about it.

:)

Family

I love my family. Just spending these last few days with them reminds me of how far I feel down in Southern California, but one of the true joys that I feel when I am around them is that I get to see a bit more into their lives and what life is like for them on a daily basis. Today my Aunt, cousin, and myself went to one of their friend's houses to bake. It turned out to be an all day. I got a lot of great tips on what to do and what not to do when it comes to baking the most perfect pumpkin pie down to child rearing. But where I really felt I learned and got to express myself and see an even deeper side to my family was with their friend's younger daughter Susanna Rose. Can I just say thee cutest little girl! I truly wish I would have brought my camera along or a video camera, because this girl was a doll and a half and she knew it too. Susanna was adopted as a preemie drug baby. She is a about to be two years old and does not speak (as of yet). She will have issues her whole life, but this little girl was smart, funny, beautiful, and a total ham I might add. I watched as my Aunt longed in a way to have another child, saw the nurturing side to my 6 year old cousin, and realized even my own heart for the misfits in this world. Susanna will grow up to be very strong no doubt; her Mum won't let her get away with anything! She will also probably grow up to be a class clown and homecoming Queen! Family comes in many different ways; I am fortunate enough that I was born to loving parents who could not have asked for anything more in me (so they say :) ) same with my cousin. I get excited when I meet people like Kelly (Susanna's Mum) who had a heart to adopt someone like Susanna knowing her long term needs. I felt privileged to be a part of their daily routine, being able to spend time with the girls, become a bit more domestic in my ways, and relax a bit more in my own skin. Regardless of connections in this world I tend to be drawn to the fact that we are all family. It may seem a bit silly, but when it comes down to it we all originated from the same pair. I am blessed to see the world through my eyes and through the heart of a loving and compassionate God. I thought today as I woke Susanna up from her nap that it is probably often how God looks at me each and every morning. I am blessed to have family that extends beyond the DNA of my own unique family tree.

Silence and Stillness

I can't begin to find the words that I have been looking for over these last few years, but one constant concept that keeps coming around is silence and stillness. It is in these two places that I find more of myself and more of the patience and love of God that I seek on a daily basis. I am tired and my heart is tired. I am tired of calling out to God with the same plea, yet I know He is there each and every time I do and I know that my desires, hopes, and dreams are from Him and will be granted in the most perfect timing. That is...if I am willing to patient. If I am willing to stand still for a moment and to embrace the silence. To embody stillness and to stop running in the owe so many directions I like to run in.

Christmas is Coming...

Just a few of my favorite albums to bring on the Thanksgiving and Christmas season!

Rachel, Red Walls, Red Wine

So back in January when I got settled into life in Orange County again I began to make Monday nights my cooking nights. Over the summer I stopped my Monday night tradition, but decided to pick it up again last night. I had cooked over the summer, but nothing that took up too much time because I wanted to enjoy my time with friends and being outside. Now something to understand here is that I am not my Mother or Grandmother when it comes to cooking. Both of these women have an incredible sense of being able to throw something into a pot and have it come out tasting amazing...lets just say that would not happen for me. So over the last few years cook books have become great companions in the kitchen as well as starting my own recipe book with things I have tried or ideas I have gathered from friends. When I am in a book store and wandering through the cook book section I continually stumble upon Rachel's books. I love her conversational style, easy yet tasteful recipes, and the pictures (pictures ALWAYS help)!

While cooking my great pasta and veggie dish I was thinking about painting (the connection to both is that for me they are both therapeutic for me) and how much painting I did last year and how much more I want to do. Not only little canvases that hang around my room or in the back of my closet but walls. I had a really good conversation with a person who has crossed my path over time but there was a conversation we had about 3 years ago that continually is a mental image I carry with me. She explained about living life, taking chances, making changes...something like painting walls she explained. In her first big move, in her own place, she decided to go drastic and paint a key wall red. It was a vibrant beautiful color and something she thought reflected her life up to this point well. I asked her tonight if she had any red walls in her new place. She said no, but the colors she did have represented very much the same concept that her first red wall did. Metaphorically I am trying to create red walls and one day for a season I will have a red wall in my home just as a reminder of all those great metaphorical red walls I have created for myself in life.

After all my thoughts and cooking I finally had a chance to relax after a LONG Monday. I appreciate the life that has been given to me as a gift. It can be a true mess and often my "red walls" come out looking more purple than red, but hey what can you do but enjoy the view of purple walls for a season even if that is not what you meant to do!

BLAH

I truly dislike being sick and not the kind of sick where you are super sick you sleep most of the day. The kind of sick that allows you to still function yet you don't quite feel yourself. It is this kind of sick that can go take a flying leap off a cliff and away from me. Can you tell I am annoyed? Yep, annoyed sick girl here who just wants to feel better.

I Liked it so I am Posting it

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.

You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

William J. H. Boetcker (1942)
(Quoted by Ronald Reagan)

Wicked

Good friend...check!

Afternoon off of work...check!

Cute Outfit...check!

Fun evening in LA planned...check!

I am going to be kicking myself come 5:30 tomorrow morning? Yes, but little adventures like this are totally worth it :)

In the Works

I am in the works. To the best of my head and heart knowledge this is the best way to describe where I am in life. For so long I have been looking to others to be somewhat of my road map, my North Star; something to focus on and help make sense of where I am and where I am going. The hard reality of doing this is that at some point there won't be anyone to look to. I think that point has finally arrived; it arrived about a year ago but I just was not willing to admit it. There is no one person to look at in life and go, "their life looks a little bit like mine, so maybe if I do this, this, and this I will get to where they are or have the things they have." I know I was just kidding myself every single time I chose to do this, but I couldn't help it. Freestyle is not my best style, but it is going to have to become a better style within me than it has been. So here is to the freestyler in me:

*Take an Italian class
*Try a real yoga class

*Publish one of my short stories

*Attempt a Thanksgiving dinner on my own
*Take a trip by myself

*Work in our garden come spring time

These are things I just want to try for me and not because of anyone else.

Hope Floats

Cheesy title? Maybe. Significant meaning? Very much so. I believe this two worded phrase to mean so much more in my generation. In today's age we are being fed so many messages about hope and how it's never coming or it's just around the corner...regardless of these messages of hope I know my hope to be based upon something so much more substantial than all the other temporary hopes offered to me. My hope floats. It is not grounded or weighed down by this earth. It floats and is constantly within my grasp to take a hold of if I choose. This life seems to be constantly about choices. So one of my girl friends and I decided that with all these choices were going to choose to reach out and grasp the hope that is within our reach. We are both in the midst of just crazy growing up times. So in these times of confusion, loss, adventure, and uncertainty I am thankful and appreciative that my hope floats.

Hope:
–verb (used with object)
6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7. to believe, desire, or trust

–verb (used without object)
8. to feel that something desired may happen

9. Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).

—Idiom
10. hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it

Smack in the Middle of Life

I am sorry it hurts Love.

You can't get out of your own head and thoughts and I wish I could pull you to the reality of which is true and which is false.

There is hope.

All is not lost.

The pain will subside.

Time will continue to pass by.

Even though it seems as though the sky is blue for all but you, it is simply not true.

You aren't alone in the boat.

We just have to keep to pushing forward.

Paddling forward.

Don't give up. Please don't lose hope. One day it won't be this way.

I love you.

I want you to believe what it is I see.

I see you smack in the middle of an incredibly beautiful and inspiring story unlike any other you and I know.

Movie Month!

All different and good in their own way. If you listen to movie scores I highly recommend The Duchess score. On to movie night with the roomie! :)

AfterThought

This has been a blog in the works, one that I have sat with and wrestled and deleted a dozen times. So tonight is the night I am going to write and not delete.

I truly dislike that often in the relationships besides my parents that I feel as though I am an after thought. I am not sure what has changed in the last five years, but its as though I fell into a ditch had no idea how I got there, found the resources to climb out, and now I am back in the land of the living. However, I feel as though I am living as a second thought to certain people I love very much. It hurts a bit. My life has served me sweet moments and moments of extreme distaste but it has been through those sour moments that have given me an inner strength.

I guess I am just hoping that one day this extreme after thought feeling won't be the case and like the velveteen rabbit I will one day be a primary thought.

Who Would Have Thought...

that prayers that are spoken can be answered in the manner in which we request? I asked for something and I got it. It often doesn't happen and I tend to move forward away from my requests understanding that what I am asking for may not always be what I need (now or ever). My heart breaks a bit for getting the answer I did, but mainly I feel a sense of release and peace.

So You Think You Can Dance

Some of my favorite and funniest memories are wrapped up in this show. Thanks girls for making it a great night!!

Your Thoughts

Tell me something simply wonderful about your week...

No, I am not kidding. I really want to know. :)

Relief

Ever get that feeling of relief when you find something you have lost? This is a devotional my Dad gave me a few months back and I carry it with me everywhere. I lost it and then thanks to a much smarter friend who has similar thoughts to my own, helped me locate it in my car. What a great relief. Thanks Nanny!

Tri-Nations Cup

The New Zealand boys won this morning (however I watched it tonight). It was a great game and made me wish that rugby was a bigger sport then it currently is in the states!

Way to go All Blacks!!

Looking Ahead

Ready or not here we go...

Paradise Cove

Sometimes it just takes a few moments of change and a bit of fresh air to remind you the sky isn't falling. I have been sitting in my beautiful mess for what seems to be the last fives years, it can be a little bit overwhelming as some of you gathered from my previous post, but it isn't always like that. It takes those weeks to stir you into doing something about the funk and overwhelmingness ( I like creating words) of it all.

My form this time was getting away from what I normally do, what I am normally around, take a mini adventure...and visiting my Aunt in Glendale seemed like the perfect idea since we hadn't seen each other since around Christmas time. I enjoy getting to spend time with her and sharing life with her. While I was growing up she was always so easy to talk to and to this day is very much still that listening ear. She is one of the few to make me laugh and lighten the mood in which I stand and ponder my thoughts.

Having no expectations for this weekend, we woke up this morning and took a drive down Malibu Canyon Road and towards PCH. It was a beautiful morning and the perfect time to go down before the afternoon beach crowds started arriving. We had breakfast near this pier below and walked down the beach for a few miles. Its a beautiful place and resembled so many places in this world that bring me to a place of letting go of what little control I think I have.

It is refreshing to find these sweet little spots of paradise and to be able to have a few moments to relish in them.

Oxygen

Just a little reminder that makes me want to keep doing what I am doing. Thanks Grae for the article and thank you to those of you who continue to read my ramblings, and challenge me to keep writing them.

My Beautiful Mess

Almost a year ago Kristin and I were laying on the living room floor of a house in Christchurch. We were laying down soaking up the sun that was beaming through the window and we were talking about all that we expected of our return home. I think we both said a lot of things that have come to pass and we just knew would be things that we would encounter. Now, maybe I have become a girl that likes to see the glass as half full and even when I call some things into question I want to be positive in believing there is a reason and a purpose.

Lately, taking on that half glass full mentality has not been easy. I complain within my heart, my attitude isn't the same, and I call into question everything, oh yeah and I think FAR too much. But even in these moments of distress flickers of hope remind me exactly who I am. Chris Weinand put it beautifully at church this weekend, 'its as though God quieted the heavens and unashamedly called out my name.' Can you picture this? God quieting all of heaven to call out your name and acknowledge your presence before everyone? I often picture God being ashamed of me (if I am really being honest with myself). Do I want God to be ashamed of me? No. I want to be a daughter that He looks at and beams when I enter the room and that reality is far more true than I believe.

I have gotten stuck in this tangled web that I am half living since I came home. I felt so alive and stretched being somewhere else. This is my beautiful mess. I was a girl who never wanted to the leave the confines of her safe haven "home" and now I can't seem to leave soon enough and on to the next place, the next phase, the next adventure. I just can't seem to sit still and maybe in the midst of all of this, this is what I am supposed to gain and see. That I need to sit still again, I need to commit, I need to embrace and face God in a whole new way and realize that my mess is something He can take and create beauty out of.

Blank Canvas

Sometimes when I walk through different seasons that aren't the prettiest I don't like to use this "canvas" as my way of venting. However, so many good and incredible things come out of these different seasons, so I promise to share soon...

Meet Max!!

So, this is the newest part of our family and he has nothing but love to give and is more than willing to accept any love you have to offer! He is a total crack and a bit too smart for his own good or possibly the good/sanity of my parents. :)

Rock Your Soul

Over the last few weeks a group of women have been gathering at my house to study the book of Daniel. Can I just say that I feel so very uneducated. After all the Sunday school classes I went to, week long camps, and Christian education I feel as though some very basic yet practical parts to certain stories were missing (or maybe I wasn't paying attention till now, which is very likely and possible). This book is totally changing me from the inside out. Daniel was an incredible man in his youth all the way through his life. He was filled with integrity, sought out by Kings, loved by the LORD, and much more. Daniel was a man of the ages. His story is impacting my own. His ability to give honor where honor is due, but to truly give glory and praise to the true God of his life.

Beth Moore is continually challenging me with her honesty and vulnerability that makes me want to push through my own pride issues and really get down to heart of the matter. I can not express enough or in a better way what a crazy journey I am on. I have no map for this part of my life. I have no idea where I am going or where He is leading, but I know it is heading towards something good. I believe this with my whole heart. Some days are ugly and hard and all I want to do is to disappear and never to reappear, but that is giving up and I just can't. There is something in me that won't allow me to stop fighting.

I am walking through the fire and its intensity is burning away so much that I thought I could hang on to and be ok with in life. Not true. I have never been as fascinated with scripture as I am right now and each time I open it up and start exploring it, it is drastically rocking my soul and reminding me my time is short and wasting it, is not my best option.

Some days I wonder...

if you will ever physically show up and swing with me.