Journey to the North

There is something to be said for having the opportunity to travel. I enjoy the packing part and figuring out what little I can bring (it is a challenge to myself), jumping in a car or catching the next plane out. I get a thrill out of seeing new places, meeting new people, having new experiences. In some ways this is probably a challenge to me as well. It challenges me not to get caught up in my own box and my own way of thinking. I have to take into account those surrounding me and what is "normal" to them.

I flew up to Washington (state) yesterday morning and have already had a wonderful visit with Kristin. We always tend to meet the most open and friendly people when we are together. We met Dale the art salesman, Weston the Starbucks employee, Sharon the friendly Washington woman all within the last 24 hours. We get a kick out of the people we meet and the stories we get to hear.

I feel a bit more refreshed getting this chance to travel and stretch my wings a bit. Living in Orange County is wonderful, but I know the heart of the matter is that I just don't seem to fit in that type of world. I can make it work and I can excel within it (by God's grace) but I feel suffocated in the process. I think over the years I have become a wanderer. Maybe I was this way my whole life I just so often fought it because I wanted to fit in wherever I went. Now maybe I have come to the understanding that I am never going to fit in the way the world tells me I should.

Washington is beautiful even with snow covering most of it at the current moment. Now off to visit Vancouver and see what adventures we can have up there!

Christmas at Home

So tomorrow morning I get to make the wonderful 4 1/2 hour journey up the coast to the place I spent the first 18 years of my life. I treasure this place so much and I treasure it even more because of how consistently I am told it is one of the most beautiful places in California. And the more I think about it the more I have to agree. I am fortunate enough to return to a house filled with many wonderful memories and to a family that I love dearly.

It is going to rain Christmas Eve, but it is my hope it snows and there is a true possibility it could! Our house is at a high enough elevation that it has snowed before when it gets cold enough. The last time it snowed and left inches of snow to play in was when I was about 4 years old. People who love the snow and have lived in the area for a while will recall those moments with great fondness and with a tone that speaks, they hope it happens again.

Merry Christmas Everyone! Regardless of where you are in the world; I hope this season is filled with love, laughter, and moments of great joy as we celebrate the season in which we celebrate a birth that would forever change the history of the world.

Only You

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet

of You who's crowned

Take my life

Letting go

I lift it up

to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only You, Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have I'm leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

You're my delights

Be my everything

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only You, Lord

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will, I will bow down before You

Only You, Lord

And it's just You and me here now

Only You and me here now

And it's just You and me here now

Only You and me here now

You should see the view

When it's only You

~DCB

Sometimes when you allow certain words to sweep over you again and again you begin to truly believe them and embrace them. I laughed at the thought last night as I put this song on repeat to fall asleep to and thought of how my college roommates/friends would have totally detested me for it. Yet, I am so desperate for the reminder and believing that even my sleep can be impacted by the truth.

Old Hollywood

I grew up watching Van Johnson across the screen laughing at his very funny comedian style and admiring his ever serious roles as well. I knew he was getting old and know that no one lasts forever here...still doesn't take away the sting that death can have sometimes.

Decode

I think often some of my best writing happens at night in my dreams. I come up with the most witty comebacks, most expressive poems, and I am the most raw and open me. I don't hold back and I am not afraid of what others may think of my words.

I wrote a really good poem in my dream the other night. I remember the feeling attached to it when I woke up, a feeling of satisfaction too bad though I couldn't remember the exact words once I woke up. That part always seems to be the disheartening part. That I am actually quite good at something in my dreams, but the reality is a bit disappointing when I wake up. I wonder why God created dreaming. I think when I arrive in heaven it will be one of my top 10 questions to ask Him (not that it will really matters at that point in time, but for now I like to think it does). "How does dreaming actually work and what was your intention behind it?" Yup, definitely in my top 10.

The poem, I do remember was about a boy I haven't seen in ages. I wondered how he was doing and what he was doing. I told him I cared about him, because our last conversation really made me come across as one who did not. The words were just right and made the most expressive picture. I guess I just have to keep trying to make it a reality and not a dream.

Thanksgiving At Its Finest

I love it when we get together because through all of our ups and downs as a family we always know how to have a good time. Sometimes I forget how much I am like them and when I get around them it is a sweet reminder that I do belong, even if the belonging is temporary. I am thankful for this crazy Italian French family!

Seattle

This is my New Year's destination and I could not be more excited about it.

:)

Family

I love my family. Just spending these last few days with them reminds me of how far I feel down in Southern California, but one of the true joys that I feel when I am around them is that I get to see a bit more into their lives and what life is like for them on a daily basis. Today my Aunt, cousin, and myself went to one of their friend's houses to bake. It turned out to be an all day. I got a lot of great tips on what to do and what not to do when it comes to baking the most perfect pumpkin pie down to child rearing. But where I really felt I learned and got to express myself and see an even deeper side to my family was with their friend's younger daughter Susanna Rose. Can I just say thee cutest little girl! I truly wish I would have brought my camera along or a video camera, because this girl was a doll and a half and she knew it too. Susanna was adopted as a preemie drug baby. She is a about to be two years old and does not speak (as of yet). She will have issues her whole life, but this little girl was smart, funny, beautiful, and a total ham I might add. I watched as my Aunt longed in a way to have another child, saw the nurturing side to my 6 year old cousin, and realized even my own heart for the misfits in this world. Susanna will grow up to be very strong no doubt; her Mum won't let her get away with anything! She will also probably grow up to be a class clown and homecoming Queen! Family comes in many different ways; I am fortunate enough that I was born to loving parents who could not have asked for anything more in me (so they say :) ) same with my cousin. I get excited when I meet people like Kelly (Susanna's Mum) who had a heart to adopt someone like Susanna knowing her long term needs. I felt privileged to be a part of their daily routine, being able to spend time with the girls, become a bit more domestic in my ways, and relax a bit more in my own skin. Regardless of connections in this world I tend to be drawn to the fact that we are all family. It may seem a bit silly, but when it comes down to it we all originated from the same pair. I am blessed to see the world through my eyes and through the heart of a loving and compassionate God. I thought today as I woke Susanna up from her nap that it is probably often how God looks at me each and every morning. I am blessed to have family that extends beyond the DNA of my own unique family tree.

Silence and Stillness

I can't begin to find the words that I have been looking for over these last few years, but one constant concept that keeps coming around is silence and stillness. It is in these two places that I find more of myself and more of the patience and love of God that I seek on a daily basis. I am tired and my heart is tired. I am tired of calling out to God with the same plea, yet I know He is there each and every time I do and I know that my desires, hopes, and dreams are from Him and will be granted in the most perfect timing. That is...if I am willing to patient. If I am willing to stand still for a moment and to embrace the silence. To embody stillness and to stop running in the owe so many directions I like to run in.

Christmas is Coming...

Just a few of my favorite albums to bring on the Thanksgiving and Christmas season!

Rachel, Red Walls, Red Wine

So back in January when I got settled into life in Orange County again I began to make Monday nights my cooking nights. Over the summer I stopped my Monday night tradition, but decided to pick it up again last night. I had cooked over the summer, but nothing that took up too much time because I wanted to enjoy my time with friends and being outside. Now something to understand here is that I am not my Mother or Grandmother when it comes to cooking. Both of these women have an incredible sense of being able to throw something into a pot and have it come out tasting amazing...lets just say that would not happen for me. So over the last few years cook books have become great companions in the kitchen as well as starting my own recipe book with things I have tried or ideas I have gathered from friends. When I am in a book store and wandering through the cook book section I continually stumble upon Rachel's books. I love her conversational style, easy yet tasteful recipes, and the pictures (pictures ALWAYS help)!

While cooking my great pasta and veggie dish I was thinking about painting (the connection to both is that for me they are both therapeutic for me) and how much painting I did last year and how much more I want to do. Not only little canvases that hang around my room or in the back of my closet but walls. I had a really good conversation with a person who has crossed my path over time but there was a conversation we had about 3 years ago that continually is a mental image I carry with me. She explained about living life, taking chances, making changes...something like painting walls she explained. In her first big move, in her own place, she decided to go drastic and paint a key wall red. It was a vibrant beautiful color and something she thought reflected her life up to this point well. I asked her tonight if she had any red walls in her new place. She said no, but the colors she did have represented very much the same concept that her first red wall did. Metaphorically I am trying to create red walls and one day for a season I will have a red wall in my home just as a reminder of all those great metaphorical red walls I have created for myself in life.

After all my thoughts and cooking I finally had a chance to relax after a LONG Monday. I appreciate the life that has been given to me as a gift. It can be a true mess and often my "red walls" come out looking more purple than red, but hey what can you do but enjoy the view of purple walls for a season even if that is not what you meant to do!

BLAH

I truly dislike being sick and not the kind of sick where you are super sick you sleep most of the day. The kind of sick that allows you to still function yet you don't quite feel yourself. It is this kind of sick that can go take a flying leap off a cliff and away from me. Can you tell I am annoyed? Yep, annoyed sick girl here who just wants to feel better.

I Liked it so I am Posting it

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.

You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."

William J. H. Boetcker (1942)
(Quoted by Ronald Reagan)

Wicked

Good friend...check!

Afternoon off of work...check!

Cute Outfit...check!

Fun evening in LA planned...check!

I am going to be kicking myself come 5:30 tomorrow morning? Yes, but little adventures like this are totally worth it :)

In the Works

I am in the works. To the best of my head and heart knowledge this is the best way to describe where I am in life. For so long I have been looking to others to be somewhat of my road map, my North Star; something to focus on and help make sense of where I am and where I am going. The hard reality of doing this is that at some point there won't be anyone to look to. I think that point has finally arrived; it arrived about a year ago but I just was not willing to admit it. There is no one person to look at in life and go, "their life looks a little bit like mine, so maybe if I do this, this, and this I will get to where they are or have the things they have." I know I was just kidding myself every single time I chose to do this, but I couldn't help it. Freestyle is not my best style, but it is going to have to become a better style within me than it has been. So here is to the freestyler in me:

*Take an Italian class
*Try a real yoga class

*Publish one of my short stories

*Attempt a Thanksgiving dinner on my own
*Take a trip by myself

*Work in our garden come spring time

These are things I just want to try for me and not because of anyone else.

Hope Floats

Cheesy title? Maybe. Significant meaning? Very much so. I believe this two worded phrase to mean so much more in my generation. In today's age we are being fed so many messages about hope and how it's never coming or it's just around the corner...regardless of these messages of hope I know my hope to be based upon something so much more substantial than all the other temporary hopes offered to me. My hope floats. It is not grounded or weighed down by this earth. It floats and is constantly within my grasp to take a hold of if I choose. This life seems to be constantly about choices. So one of my girl friends and I decided that with all these choices were going to choose to reach out and grasp the hope that is within our reach. We are both in the midst of just crazy growing up times. So in these times of confusion, loss, adventure, and uncertainty I am thankful and appreciative that my hope floats.

Hope:
–verb (used with object)
6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7. to believe, desire, or trust

–verb (used without object)
8. to feel that something desired may happen

9. Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).

—Idiom
10. hope against hope, to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it

Smack in the Middle of Life

I am sorry it hurts Love.

You can't get out of your own head and thoughts and I wish I could pull you to the reality of which is true and which is false.

There is hope.

All is not lost.

The pain will subside.

Time will continue to pass by.

Even though it seems as though the sky is blue for all but you, it is simply not true.

You aren't alone in the boat.

We just have to keep to pushing forward.

Paddling forward.

Don't give up. Please don't lose hope. One day it won't be this way.

I love you.

I want you to believe what it is I see.

I see you smack in the middle of an incredibly beautiful and inspiring story unlike any other you and I know.

Movie Month!

All different and good in their own way. If you listen to movie scores I highly recommend The Duchess score. On to movie night with the roomie! :)

AfterThought

This has been a blog in the works, one that I have sat with and wrestled and deleted a dozen times. So tonight is the night I am going to write and not delete.

I truly dislike that often in the relationships besides my parents that I feel as though I am an after thought. I am not sure what has changed in the last five years, but its as though I fell into a ditch had no idea how I got there, found the resources to climb out, and now I am back in the land of the living. However, I feel as though I am living as a second thought to certain people I love very much. It hurts a bit. My life has served me sweet moments and moments of extreme distaste but it has been through those sour moments that have given me an inner strength.

I guess I am just hoping that one day this extreme after thought feeling won't be the case and like the velveteen rabbit I will one day be a primary thought.

Who Would Have Thought...

that prayers that are spoken can be answered in the manner in which we request? I asked for something and I got it. It often doesn't happen and I tend to move forward away from my requests understanding that what I am asking for may not always be what I need (now or ever). My heart breaks a bit for getting the answer I did, but mainly I feel a sense of release and peace.

So You Think You Can Dance

Some of my favorite and funniest memories are wrapped up in this show. Thanks girls for making it a great night!!