Dear You

Several years ago there was a girl who was a part of my life...not a significant part, but around my life and I was around hers. Now over time I no longer saw this girl or had her as a part of my life. This made me sad, but the circumstances surrounding our friendship could not be changed and so I haven't heard from this (now young woman) girl in years. I bring it up because, I ended up reading an article about this girl. She is grown up now and living life. All the things I hoped she would be. It gave a bit of her story and where she is now and I could not help but think had things been different we probably would have turned out to be wonderful friends. Life is funny that way. We as people and people in relationships are funny. I miss this girl and wish I could convey a few things to her and let her know. Encourage her a bit and affirm her of her beauty and creativity, but its not my place or role. More than likely with all the time that has gone past she has long forgotten me or who I am. So it is my hope that someone will step up to that plate and do this for her. Funny how the past can come rushing in your door. The memories made me smile and reminded me that this life is SO much larger than myself. SO much bigger than who I am and who I am becoming. Its kind of exciting and thrilling, because I just don't know who I am going to come in contact with new and old. Hey! Even through these writings I have re-discovered friends who long ago were a part of my life. They were a part of my past but have now become a part of my present. You just never know what is going to happen. It's Tuesday and it's a much better day than Monday :)

Mondays

Why are Mondays the day of struggle? I wish there was a pill or something that could give me a better outlook on this day. I mean even when I have everything going for me...I woke up early this morning, did some things around the house, read, made breakfast, got ready for work...the whole nine yards!! Yet I still feel as though I have been socked in the stomach with a huge blow of somesort.

Something About Home

So when I was a teenager I thought like a teenager and I acted like a teenager and I wanted nothing to do with where I grew up. Now given, I had no grand plans to get out of the place, but I was COMPLETELY over it. Especially when you live a good twenty minute car ride out into the country from anywhere and as my friends affectionately deemed you live, "out in the boonies". Yet even as I write this I think that I am a decade plus one away from when the teenage years began and how much I have changed from that pip squeek of a girl. I now at the very wise old age of twenty four love going home. I haven't actually lived there in three or four years now. Maybe I gained my true sense of love for it when I was "forced" to go without it for a year...I know choosing to live in another beautiful country 10,000 miles away isn't really "forced" but you get what I mean. Coming "home" was not the wisest choice or in the budget. Since moving back to Southern California I have made a goal within me to make it home at least once a month if not that then it can't be more than two months between each visit. Its funny how a place can be a place that feels like "prison" (I use the term very loosely) and then be the one place in the world where I am completely free and at peace. Maybe it comes with age, maybe wisdom, maybe just a little common sense to realize what is right before me. I guess I could take this perspective in a lot of areas of my life, but for now it relates the most to going home, being at home. There is just something about it that gives it the feeling like Christmas is around the corner and how many people really want to pass that by?

Memories

Just missing it a bit more than usual. Enjoy the photos. They were taken all over both islands.

Grey's

So can I put it out there that I had NO time to watch TV in college and when I occasionally had the time to sit down and watch reruns of Friends or the occasional Gilmore Girls episode I always felt a bit guilty because I knew there were a million other things I needed to be doing. So I blame this pure "enjoyment/introduction" on my Kiwi girlfriends. They ever so kindly introduced me into their culture of television, but also had a wide range of knowledge in regards to American television. I had heard about Grey's Anatomy while at college, I know I walked into a few rooms that had it playing, but knew me and knew that once I started to watch I would be hooked. So I walked away every time. Until moving down South. Every Thursday night girls and the occasional boy would come over to my flat, explain to me all the back history, and then we would watch like a bunch of school girls/boy! I have (to my delight) found others who share in the "excitement" with me since moving back home. I even have a friend who has so kindly allowed me to borrow her seasons just as a "refresher". I am hooked and it's kind of annoying (said with a smile of course). To my Kiwi girls thanks ;) and I miss you.

Sweet Moments in the City

These are two shots I took at my lunch...well truth be told it they were shots I took after work, I had the full intention of taking them at lunch, but when I was at this particular spot with my camera in hand the nice little screen pops up reading 'no card'. Being the genius I am, I was trying to load pictures this morning on to my computer and left the card in the holder. Regardless, long back story to the actual pictures. If you were to look behind where I was standing or even a bit to the right you would see city, apartment complexes, traffic, 'land altered'. I have come to appreciate places like this. "Mystery Spots" as I have deemed them. Un-touched nature in the middle of consumed nature. When I was at lunch though, I had spread out a blanket and brought a good book, but in the middle of my getting comfortable moments I heard an ever so faint yet distinct noise, just above the traffic and sirens. It was a choir. I looked to my left and saw just as the hills begin to start there is a little church. A choir radiating above the noise of the city. I would not say I have the best hearing, but I am able to detect music over a lot of things. Even though I struggle with being here, God continually provides moments like this that reminds me of how very present He is in my life and my journey. This being one of my sweeter moments in this city life of mine.

Quality Human Being

So over the past few weeks my human nature has been made ever so clear in my eyes. Now, I would have to say for my life and who I am developing into this is one of the most difficult and humbling lessons to learn. It knocks me from whatever high horse I happen to be sitting upon and to the reality that I still have HEAPS of issues to work on. Several key individuals in my life have pointed out these issues to me and for the last month I have been throwing around these thoughts in my head. Now, because of how human and sinful I am, I have my days where these thoughts do in fact cripple me. But then I have my days where I wake up and I am reminded that I am God's and, yes, I am not going to get it right, say it right, or do it right...it is a slow growth (Ephesians 4:13-16) I take to heart what has been presented to me and where I need to die to self and live in Christ. ARGH! This is such a hard lesson!! But today was one of those days where I woke (in a rush I might add) and time just stopped for a moment as I remembered what today represented for me as a daughter, a daughter of God, and the history in which I come from. All my selfish desires, bad attitudes, demeaning thoughts, accusations, and judgments fell upon one man and not only mine but everyones. Today is a day that I remembered that I am not a quality human being, but there is one who came that was quality and far more than that. And because of His perfection I am forgiven. I am going to get this wrong far more than I am going to get it right, but I am not alone in this journey. I do not have to walk it alone in my own wretchedness. Because of another's sacrifice and willingness to lay down as a lamb to the slaughter I am made new. To those who read this and know me personally, I am sorry. I am so far from where I know I should be. Yet, I live in the hope that where my humanness has caused you a certain level of ache that He, the LORD, would restore.

Question and Answer Time

I have a spot on my wall...actually two spots that I am wanting to fill with something. I am doing the concept in my bedroom that less is more. So here you see my focal piece for the wall, now I have two 11 x14 frames for each side...any suggestions for what I should put in the frames?? I am at a loss creatively of what I should place there. Like I said, any (tasteful) ideas are welcome!

There Is Just Something About Country Music

I rather enjoy Taylor Swift and her music. She is bold. She is clever. She is creative. She is fun. And I enjoy listening to her :)

"Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission...but I'm ready to fly"

Creations

I enjoy baking...now currently I don't have the resources to make everything from scratch, but I have discovered it is becoming quite theruputic and my coworkers don't seem to mind my new found love. This has been one of my favorite creations to make...doesn't take heaps of time, but the process is fun.



I put on a little bit of this...


and I am good to go!

I am also being encouraged by those around me to start doing something with all the photos I happen to have stored away that are collecting dust :) Here are a few of those creations. (sorry the first picture is so fuzzy...I blame bad lighting!)

Right & Good

Sometimes you just have those days…
Where you know it’s right and good
But the wet becomes frigid
Cuts to the core of you who you are
Stings the deepest pit of you

Leaving you numb and emotionless
Yet beyond the physical and momentary
Deep in the depths of the soul
You know it’s right and good
And for now that is good enough

The Jig

Remind me how this goes

This dance and these steps

You’re thankful for the time

Yet sad to see it go

It’s the dance of freedom

The dance dedicated to new things

The dance attributed to new beginnings

So explain to me how it goes

Because my heart wants to get up and soar

But I can’t help but hold back just a bit more

Maybe I have this need to be the last one standing

To be the strong one

To watch everyone else walk out that door

And then maybe in the shadow of the light that’s left

I’ll get up and dance

Do the jig without the steps

And trust that it’s not the steps that matter

But the dance itself that counts

Community II

So I started attending a life group. I took my own challenge of community and jumped feet first into being part of an intimate and tight knit group. Now my fears could have only excelled in the area of rejection for the fact that this group has been together for 4 or 5 years now and has a HUGE history together. Yet, I was not alone in the "adventure seeking" of a life group. Three of us made the jump "together" without even knowing each other. What I have experienced and seen in this group leaves me with a strong impression; one of family, humor, passion, adventure, loyalty. I may be one of the "outsiders" but I am not treated as one. I am teased like the rest, listened to when speaking, and to some without even knowing the depths of who I am and my story; I am already cared about. I am still a bit hesitant and its not as though my fears have been entirely wiped away, but I am discovering a peace with this whole true idea of community and excited to see where it leads and what develops from it. We discussed last night that community takes work and it's not easy, but when we make the time and put forth the effort and care for those around us, it is so entirely worth it.

Break

To lose you would break my heart

I've had you this long and now I just want you a little bit more

A little bit more time to fight and laugh about it

A little bit more time to write that book together

It was my prayer throughout grade school

It was my prayer through high school

My prayer through college

My prayer through now

God has been gracious and exceeded my expectations

But my thoughts get lost in the voice of a father's desperation

My heart tears apart at the thought of not hearing your voice

To lose you would break my heart

And I am not prepared for that kind of break

Passing of the Oaks

In one weeks time I'll make this drive:





Bake one of these beauties with my ever growing baking skills:

And hang out with these amazing people who I cherish dearly:

I wish it was today...

The Love of a Nation

Sometimes it lays so heavily on my heart I wonder what the next real move is...

Heath

This was a photo I happened to glance at about a month ago while going through old scrap books I had put together back in Junior High and High School. As strange as they may look to an outsider I had many laughs going through these old books of mine. Seeing friends I haven't seen in ages. Sports clippings of teams I played on. Many memories collected in them. And there against a piece of purple paper laid this picture. Growing up like most young girls I had my infatuations. My father thought me out of my mind to post Leonardo DiCaprio on my ceiling right beside N'Sync. However all of them ended up in a rubbish bin at some stage, but here in my memory books was a picture of Heath. Maybe it was the idea that he was foreign and I knew it was nothing more than a mere infatuation. Though I did not know him it leaves me with a sense that another small part of my innocence, my childhood has been chipped away. It's a reminder that we don't live forever, no matter who we are. Thank you for being a part of several wonderful memories growing up, thank you for being the topic of conversation every now again, thank you for making this once fourteen year old girl blush, just by the sound of your accent.

Community

It's something we need. Something that makes us feel a part of a whole. I personally function better with it, even though deep down inside an element of community scares me. I keep asking myself, "What am I so afraid of?". And I guess the answer came from here; if I become a part of a community and am exposed for who I really am, will I still be accepted and embraced within this community?

I am scared of rejection.

I am scared of not finding "my place" in a place that it should be so "easy" to find "my place".

I am a daughter of the Most High King and I am scared like I am 6 years old in sea of grown ups hiding behind his rob. I know the truth. So like a big 6 year old I must step from behind the rob and embrace it all...the good and the bad, just like I did back then. Despite how human I am, God gave me something to offer this community. Plus, it's one thing I have going in common with everyone...the area of perfection. We are not perfect. I am not perfect. I mess up, I say hurtful things, I am lazy, I get it wrong. But, I am considered beloved. So I walk in that truth and the knowledge that...

I need community.

Rejected or not. Christ was embraced and rejected in community. Taken in and outcast. So who better to give this problem, this issue of myself to...then Him.

Orion

It was the idea that got to her. The idea that maybe they could be friends again. They could talk and catch up on the last four years of their lives and all that they had been doing with their time. What they had been seeing through this raw real world. This was her thought as she stood on the cold pavement, barefoot, staring at someone who without knowing it, reminded her of this one person she had been trying to shake for so long. It wasn't as though this person was the air she needed to breathe. She was way passed that feeling or raw emotion. She just stood their looking at this man with flash backs of memories, memories long forgotten. Somersaults in parking lots, naps on the beach, car rides and getting lost on purpose. And the memory of the ending collapsed upon her. That, oh so strange and slightly denting memory of rejection and outcast. She remembered then why this idea was pretty impossible from where she was standing. Then came a wave of understanding for it all. That she had to let them go...she had to let them all go their own way. Each and every memory, held to each and every situation. Every conversation, every look, every random moment of flirtation that excited the senses. They didn't belong to her anymore. They didn't belong to her if she wanted the door to open to all new experiences and adventures. They were not hers to hold on to if this was the life she was really wanting. So returning back to earth, thoughts clearly in place. She hugged her friend with all her might and made her way to the car. Leaning up against the car she slid down the side and laid against that cold black pavement. Looking up into the sky she saw Orion's belt and smiled, being reminded that even in the craziness and chaos of city and life there is always something to smile about.

Sushi Night

I enjoy being around friends who remind me of the simple joys of life. I spent last Saturday night surrounded by wonderful friends. We caught up on life, laughed over orders of sushi, laughed at how easy it was to squeeze 9 of us into a booth. We talked about traveling, friends, family, and work. Then we moved on to to a coffee shop only to discuss apartments, the craziness of our pasts, our relationships with God, our struggles to live the day to day life. I had my doubts about moving back to this area, but sitting amongst these fine women I was quickly reminded that no matter where I am in this world it is the company that truly makes it worth while.

The Hope Filled Romantic in Me

I am a hopeless romantic or so I have been told. However, I would really like to know where the term "Hopeless" came into it. I don't think I am hopeless, nor is the life I am walking into. I believe it to be one filled with hope and so much more. I would say though as a "writer in the making" I do enjoy seeing what others have to put out there on the subject of love. I am no pro at the subject and don't claim to be (as several of you might know...) Now, the writing in this film may have not been the best but there was something about it that made me smile, get frustrated, laugh, and cry a bit. Like I said before, I am no pro on the subject of love, but love has surrounded my life in many ways. Hearing about my Mum's first husband and loosing him in death, witnessing over 30 years of love between my Aunt and Uncle, my friends and the loves they have met along the way, to the unconditional love of my Savior. I think at one point in time I can say that I have even loved to a certain extent and learning that love sometimes means letting go even when you feel as though you might die inside from this release. I guess that is where I related the most to this film. I know I have yet to be married and therefore have yet to loose my spouse in the way that Holly did. But to love in such a strong way and then have it be parted from you, it changes you. It changed me. I grew up and moved forward however unpleasant it felt at the time; I look back with fond memories of where I went and now where I am going. I wish in "movie world" I could be like Holly and know exactly what I should be doing. But like everything else in my life that will come with time.

How It Carries A Whole New Meaning

I'm dreaming tonight
Of a place I love
Even more than I usually do.
And although I know
It's a long road back
I promise you

I'll be home for Christmas.
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love-light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.

I'll be home for Christmas.
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree.
Oh Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love-light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.

Choices

Anyone ever been at a loss for where they are standing? HA! Who am I kidding?!Of course many of you have. I know I am not supposed to have it together right now and I need more of a chance to debrief this last year; but that will come in due time just by living life here.

Do I stay on the central coast or move yet again? Do I take a chance here and see what comes from the one place in many ways I think I might have been running from. Maybe my great inspiration will come from this place. Possibly the story I have been writing this whole time will conclude here. So many thoughts flying through this little head of mine. So many pieces of wool to lay before the LORD.

Choices and dreams. Dreams and choices. A little while ago I would have asked for writing on the wall, the ground, the sky, anything! But that takes away from the fun of living this life I have been handed. I was talking on the phone with a good friend tonight and I explained that in the world/bubble that we had been living in there has really been no good examples of what this life was supposed to look like and in all honesty that is ok. Because I hope in some way I can be that example; at least a small version of it. I heard it explained several times over this last year that sometimes God calls people with specific purposes, some of those people listen and some do not. For those who do not God calls others and others until someone responds. My blog says it all; I am not perfect, I am quirky, and learning to do the best with what I've got!

By far a much more richer and dramatic firework display than I was expecting!

Topic of Conversation

So over the last three weeks a topic has come out when telling people about this last year. The idea that I left thinking life would stop and I would come back right back to how things were. That was never my mentality. Often Kristin and I talked about how life was going on "without" us and that there were certain life moments that we would not be a part of...things we would miss out...memories we would never have. Another odd element to the mix is that even though life went on here, so did our lives down there. When people tell me stories or events I have an idea or concept of what they are talking about. However, when I start to tell a story I have to give the "background" information before actually telling the story; so that the story can be understood. So my frustration is not that life continued on here (that is exciting!) the frustration is that life went on somewhere else with me in a part of it. I guess this means in time I will have to become a good storyteller!

Timing

She stepped off the plane into the humidity and warmth

Fear filled her heart and then a surge of excitement

A feeling unlike any other

One that could not be explained

The rush of cars

The surge of traffic

All things so familiar and so foreign

Welcome back to the concrete jungle

Far are those true jungles you explored

Far is that land

That land so familiar and now what seems to be so foreign

Beginnings and Stories

So where does one begin when telling their story? I think I heard it once said in a movie you start at the beginning. I guess that would be a good place to start, but then again I am not sure I even know where the beginning is. Maybe somewhere in my freshman year of college, maybe way before that!

I am home. A home that could have not been better picked for me. It suits where I stand and where I need to be. For now.

I am trying to figure out where to begin my story. Until then I will enjoy this season of "simple life".

Ending Well and Starting Well

Leaving one incredible land for another incredible place. I am still not perfect. In no way do I have it together. But I became a bit more adventurous, relaxed a bit, and learned to trust the LORD in a whole new way! My time here I believe is ending well and what I am walking into I believe will be a good start.

New Zealand as a whole has taught me so much. This is something that could never be replaced. I am glad I took the risk and I am glad I am coming "home".

Kia Ora Land of the Long White Cloud

The Windy Roads of the South

There are no words to describe how I am left in awe of this country that I have been living in this past year. As Kristin and I drive around in our (affectionately known as Stella) car, we sit in silence and just stare out onto everything that is before us. The view that you are currently looking at is the place we have been staying at the last two nights, Wanaka. Its a quite little town situated on the lake with an amazing view of the bluffs. It is the kind of place that I would love to hang a hammock between the willow trees that line the lake and read away my day!

Kristin and I are doing a lot of recalling these days, as Stella is a super special car with limited radio and no other form of sound, so silence and conversing is what we do :) God has done so much for us and within us over this year that leaving is a bit unsettling, but as we have realized, the people we have made our lives with over this year are going on, the lives of those we left behind last year are going on, and our lives continue to go on. Even though we feel a bit of a stand still we know we are moving forward. I don't have it all together (go figure!) and don't ever plan on "having it together" but I am at peace with moving forward, making steps of faith and trusting that these steps will only lead me closer to the God I love, and being a part of my greatest journey...

Lots of thoughts...not all coming out the best tonight. But there you have it...a simple girl's thoughts on a cold spring night on a small little island down in the Southern Hemisphere.

Sweet Dreams.

Sydney

Sydney is a city like so many cities I have traveled through before. What makes the difference is having friends to share the experiences with. Kristin and I have been so fortunate to have our friend Will along for the ride and his sense of humor and love of life and people adds so much to this place. We have done several of the touristy things...toured the Opera House, ridden a ferry to Manly beach, walked all over the place, and tomorrow Kristin and I are going on an all day excursion around beaches and bays, should be a lot of fun!
We have had several chances to talk about our travels; long term and short term. The reality of traveling for me is that I love it regardless of the circumstances. I may not always like living out of a bag, but the life skills that I gain from it, the people that I get to meet and hear their stories...nothing replaces that for me. I am so fortunate to being doing this. I am so blessed that this is the life that I get to lead. I am blessed for this season and hopefully many more to come. Sydney is beautiful and warm in its own way, but I am glad that we get to return to New Zealand before coming home. It just wouldn't seem right to return home from any other place in the world after this incredible year. Well off to have a few more adventures before the sun sets...Hope all is well with you wherever you are in the world.

Boy

It would be you Boy

Scrub away some of the edges

The little rough and tarnished edges

And there you would be

Holding on right beside me

You have been taken

And I have been abandoned

A small talk here

A little gesture

The smallest form of pleasure

But come so many hours

It will all fade away

So today I'll behave

I won't stare at your hand

Or the sultry way you stand

I will look into your eyes

For the first time I know they won't lie

I'll say goodbye

And tell you I will be seeing you

I'll turn and walk away

Hoping you will tell me to stay

But my head and heart both know

You will never be my beau

Flight

I am going now
Not sure where I will end up
Maybe down
Or possibly up
I am taking off in flight
With the future ever so bright
I am loved
And
I am learning
I am taking moments
And
Enjoying the adventure
I am going now
Not sure where I will end up

Dear E

Dear E

This isn't goodbye, just see you real soon. Maybe soon in my kitchen making a HUGE Italian feast with my Mum! Maybe soon in your kitchen baking muffins for a moose we have yet to meet (do they have moose in NZ?) :)

E what you give and have given is enough, your presence, your time, your energy into my own life, you have inspired me! Even though it may feel so many kilometers away you will always be close. In my head I'll laugh at some funny new story I want to share or a joke I just learned! But also in my heart when joyous moments begin to happen in these (yet again!) new steps I take. I take you with me. You my dear-E will never be forgotten.

K.S.

Dear K,

Thank you for making me laugh

Thank you for making me feel so beautiful

Thank you for inviting me on adventures

Thank you for letting me share special moments in your year

Thank you for sharing with me

Thank you for not judging my stalker moments ;)

Thank you for encouraging the funny side in me

Thank you for making time for me

Thank you

Love,

H

Rove

One of my favorite little pieces of Australia :)

Too bad though tickets are booked through the end of the year!

http://rovedaily.com.au/the-show.htm

Observation

The mystery of surroundings

The similar sounds, but different tones

The dive with little to no reward

The consumption to ease the pain

To ease the bitterness that remains

The bitterness that hangs like water in caves

Caves so cold and dark

With the murk of cold wet dirt

But somewhere beyond the consumption, cold, dark, murk

Up and climbing through the bone chilling water source

And into the light

The climb may not happen tonight

But in due time

Due time and choice

Into the light I will climb

I Heard It Once Said

I heard you were coming

I heard it once said

Through the rain and the storm

The lightening and the hail

It was not said when you would arrive, but that it would be soon

I laughed under my breath

For how impossible the task!

For you to arrive

And arrive like that

After so long and so many storms

That you would just show up

And show up like that?!

Is this a joke?

An incredibly ill timed hoax?

Maybe its the truth...

What could it hurt

Everything in me I think

I throw caution and set my sails free

Hoping you my wind are coming for me

I heard you were coming

I heard it once said

Baptism

The dangling of feet in the cold cool pool. The growing crowd. The anticipation of choice. The beating heart. The life changing moment. A splash of water. The touch of a human hands. The submersion. The release. The tears. The knowledge. The difference. The life changing freedom.

Growing Confidence

New Zealand has this way of capturing your attention. I was explaining to one our house guests that New Zealand has so many places untouched and it is a fairly easy place to get around (and small enough) that it is a shame that more Kiwi's don't travel around their own country.

I like getting out and taking walks whenever I can, especially as of lately. Working at the hospital can take a toll on you. You sometimes forget where you are; and have done such a good job of putting up barriers and boundaries, but then you are faced with situations that remind you exactly where you are employed. My favorite walk has been up and over the hill from our place. I walk through a tunnel and come out to a place called Seatoun. Seatoun is a lovely little community looking towards the channel of water that leads to the Pacific Ocean. My favorite spot is where the channel opens up into the ocean. I walk through the sand/rock and hike up to the top of a hill. It is one of my favorite views in New Zealand/Wellington. If you stand in a certain spot you can see nothing but God's creation.

It is in these moments where I am discovering more of my self worth, my dreams, my beauty. I have been in denial for quite some time about many of these topics and as of recently believe that I am walking into a new stance of confidence. There have been a couple situations at work where I have wanted nothing more than to drift back into those moments of denial, to forget the things that I have learned, and to allow the fear of the unknown to consume me. Yet, I serve a good and great God. I serve a God who has given me the gift of freedom, but it is my choice whether or not to walk into it and in it. I am learning. It will continue to take time and a lot more walks!

*Photo by Steph