Looking Ahead

I had a chance to go home for a few weeks before moving to New Zealand and by far it was one of my best trips home since leaving for college, 4 years ago. It was a time that enabled me to do many different things that I would not normally have done while being home. Went on several long drives, hiked around scary cliffs at night over-looking the ocean, laughing with friends I had not seen in years, rejoiced over new beginnings, drove a convertible, walked through a farmer's market, celebrated a 4 year old girl's birthday, took long walks, sat in the silence of the Almighty. I could have not asked the LORD for a better time at home. Even the rougher moments the LORD used for His glory and His good. I am daily learning that in these moments of being stretched that He is who I put my trust in. He is the one I look to for guidance. He is the first one I run to. Refreshing.

If there was anything else that came from this journey home it would be reflected in this picture. God continually whispered to me that my past is indeed my past and there is nothing I can do to change it, but I can learn from it. There are appropriate moments to reflect on it and be thankful for it, but there is no need to dwell there. But I am now to live in the present and look ahead with joy to what it is He has ahead and allow the past to be the road that has brought me to where I stand now. He has so much in store; so many good and wonderful things...

My Cup

My cup runneth over...

Let Me Get Off

Are we done here yet?

Or is the ride still going?
Is there still more to learn?
Is there still more to see?
I have been on for so long.
My body aches.
My soul thirsts for something new
Are we done?
Are you done?
Am I done?
Please.
Let me get off.
And walk by the sea in peace.
With you carrying me...
Please.

To You My Broken Hearted Friend

Dear God...
Be with those who are hurting.
I have known pain that I never thought would leave,
But You have always been faithful to meet the needs of my heart.
Be with those who are close to me, who are hurting and searching.
I am surrounded by some incredible women...jewels in hiding I guess we could call them.
I and others see their, worth, beauty, and "fight" value.
May they believe all that has been prayed over them.
May they believe they are worth the fight.
Thank you God for the blessings they are in my life.
May I one day have the opportunity to share these special and rare blessings.
May I one day be able to receive my own prayer.
In Your Name.
Amen.

One Starfish in a Sea of Many

I woke up this morning and was sad. I was talking with a friend last night and everything that is about to take place (forgive me, I know umpteenth blog about change and what is to come...but if you keep reading it is your own fault if you are bored:)). We talked about what my last week would look like and a few things I would need her to take care of after I was gone. It began to hurt then, but this morning it was as though someone had thrown a ton of brings on me. I got up and out of bed, went into our dark living room and looked outside our sliding glass door to see that it was a perfectly foggy day. I love these days and then I surveyed the room and how many great conversations and shows I would miss. It hit... that the way I am choosing to do life or start this section of life is so different than many I am around and it made me so sad, because it is a parting of ways. I can hear my Mum even now as I type of my sadness that what I must focus on are things that are right, good, and lovely. I love my Mum no matter what season of life we may be in...I will always love her. But even when trying to focus upon the right, good, and lovely sadness still finds its way to my life. Its normal I know. Sometimes though being that starfish that finds its way to the shore is not always the easiest thing. In the "comfort" section of my life I tend to wish that I could be the starfish at the bottom of the sea on a rock, watching the sea go by, and continue on doing my starfish thing; but I am not that starfish. I am the curious one. The one that wants to take a chance despite everything screaming within her. I am sad, but I know the sadness won't last forever...just as the night comes and goes, so does the sadness; because there are always (LORD willing) new mornings...whether foggy or sunny...always a new one!

Waterfalls

It is in these moments that I truly discover who I am
I discover what I was made of
It is in these moments of vulnerability and honesty that I discover
That everything is going to be ok
These moments remind me that no matter how alone I think I am
I never truly am...
This journey has its purpose and I have been given everything I could need
It has been love, encouragement, forgiveness, and forgetting that has lead me here
Now, I see myself on the edge of a waterfall with God, looking at Him as a daughter does
With affection and gratitude
Ready to jump in and feel what this refreshment feels like
Ready to rest in my choices
Take a risk
And fall into it all

My Own Little Piece of Never Never Land

Sometimes I can not help to think if they were the wrong choices. For the first time in my life that I can remember, my extended family are putting themselves out there, we talk on the phone, we e-mail, we want to spend time with one another...but maybe we all figured this out around the time I made my choice to move. Maybe we all realized just how important we are to each other.

But then again being the thinker I am, they are for me, the best choices I could be making. I have been so nervous what life looks like for Kris and I once we move over there, but I am already getting the chance to talk with people who are so welcoming that I know in time they will begin to be more of my family than they already are now. Regardless of the choices themselves, they have been my choices and I have done the best of my ability to seek God with all my heart in making these choices.

So maybe in some way and fashion this is my last kiss. For so long I have fought the idea of 'growing up'...I have tried to hang onto my 'Peter Pan' story as long as possible, but I think it happened this summer. Somewhere along the road, somewhere along the journey, things changed; I still get to have fun and be that little kid hiding out on, but this is my last kiss to living the life I have been living. A life of consistency, a plan, an outline. This is a whole new ball game, a whole new way of doing life, but the thing is I am ok with it. I am at peace with the choices I have made. I have accepted, embraced, forgiven, and forgotten. Now it is time to let that part of life go and be a part of who I am. A girl on a journey, hoping that in the process she will be able to honor her Maker, and find a few more parts of herself along the way.

*C.D. I never got a chance to really tell you this, but you inspired me and still do to this day. Thank you for being you. You are the one who is amazing.

Coffee Shops

I had the opportunity to sit outside a coffee shop and put down into words my journey before moving out of the country. I take a few times out of each week to sit and do this, to reflect on what is occurring now, what God is showing me in my day to day routine, how I react to the silence of life currently. However it is also a time of accepting God's good and perfect gifts. A discovery I made over the summer was that I am in no way afraid to talk to people...complete strangers in fact. There is something about hearing their story...their life journey...a summed up version at least...today I met a man named Duah (Doo-Ah) he is from South Africa. He was born in South Africa, moved to France in his teenage years, and after college moved to the states. I had seen him walk into the coffee shop, I smiled as he passed by (as I do to most who pass by my little table hidden away in the corner right by the door) and continued to write. 20 minutes later he came back out and mouthed to me that he hoped I would continue to enjoy writing long after school ( I could see how it looked like school work...had a few books out and what not) I removed my headphones and explained to him that I had graduated from university in May and that my writing was for my own pleasure. Fascinated that a young girl would take the time we struck up a conversation.
Close to 2 nights ago I had poured my heart out to God telling him I was so afraid that once moving to NZ that I would not meet anyone and I would be socially awkward...but here he goes showing me with my own life that no matter where I am in the world he is right there with me and meeting people will not be a problem with him by my side.
This piece of tapestry is an example of my summer, I have gotten to travel, meet new people, have new experiences, and discovered more of the God I love...even in moments I believe to be just shades of black and white, God is weaving together such a beautiful tapestry of not just my life, but of his family. Duah was a gift. He was a wonderful encouragement to a simple girl who likes to write. Thankfully NZ has coffee shops, so I don't think the writing will end here.

Friendships

See, this girl in the mirror does not always have the easiest time looking in the mirror and seeing the reflection that is before her. But if there is one thing that she can see beyond the image before her is the people who surround her and believe in her. She is a girl who is deeply deeply loved for who she is and who she is becoming. She may not always say the right things, do the right things, or act the right way; but those around her know that it is a part of her journey...it is a part of how God is choosing to shape her. So even though it is not easy to look back at the reflection it is easy to believe in those that God has placed around her to remind her that she is brave, beautiful, and bold in her own way. The reflection she begins to see is not only hers, but those who have surrounded her in good times and in bad.

Someone's Wish

I had the chance to read someone's wish today. It was one of the most genuine, real, honest wishes I had ever heard before. The moment after reading it I wanted let this person know that it was my wish too. That maybe one day we would find each other and have a wonderful conversation about our wishes, the the life we both desired, and the changes we knew needed to take place for these wishes and dreams to come true. Sometimes I can't help but hope that I could know a little bit more of God's plan...to understand and know His timing a bit better. But alas, I am still Heidi Noelle. Daughter of a great big loving God, who in His good and right time will reveal, His good and perfect will. To you my fellow dreamer. You may not know me or ever will, but thank you for putting to words what my dreams really are.

Doing the Best I Can Do, With My Pride Set Aside

The thing is...I am a closure type of person. There is something about me personally that needs closure whenever I walk away from someone or something. Right now in this current state of being I am looking for closure in many different areas and thankfully I serve a God that is more than gracious to give me the closure I seek. My Mum so kindly reminded me today that not everything in life is going to have closure wrapped up in a nice little package as it is currently now for me. Boy do I know! Its just that I feel so stupid sometimes looking for the answers that I am seeking.

It is so hard to have to explain to certain people...especially the people you are looking

to get answers from. But then again my loving Mum reminded me that it is a journey of

humility as well. Sometimes the answers we seek often will cause us to set aside our pride

in order that the answer be discovered. The best part of this though has been, just out right,

walking it with God. It is seeking His council, continually being reminded of His provision,

continually being reminded that no matter how dumb I may look it never hurts to ask.

I explained to my Mum that a part of this excitment also allows me to see something

about this journey before Kristin and I and it is that I truly am going to be able to appreciate

what is before me. There will be nothing behind me that holds me back from seeing what is

right there before me. I read this last week, "The path is before you, not behind. Don't give your future to your past." PJS How often we do this. How often I do it. I go into direct response of believing that my past is going to be like my future...my past may shape my future, but my past

is not my future...what a refreshing thought.

Intended

May it all burn away

May what remain be as it was intended
To be right and pure
One of character and lacking in idleness
May what remain be that which is refined
Burn it away
So that all that remains is what was intended

Freedom

Its
These
Days
Were
I
Wish
I
Could
Be
Honest
To
The
Point
Of
Complete
Freedom

A Happy Thought

"A friend loveth at all times."
- Proverbs 17:17

Friends Listen to what you dont say
**Samantha Norman**

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with friendship."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Silence

I just want to understand and know myself

just a little bit better. Is that too much to ask?

Prayer

Every time I start to write something in this space given to me I am always wanting to write a story about the image I post next to these words...but then I always chicken out. However me confessing that I want to write a story every time is a step in the direction of actually doing it I think:) But not today...
Prayer. Prayer changes everything. Whether it be your specific prayers, God's prayers for you, or the prayers that others say for you without you even knowing it. Since being in college and really having my faith become my own I have discovered what it means to have a rich prayer life even when you are walking through one of the most horrendous seasons of you life or one of those seasons that your friends would just wish you would come off of cloud 28 (that's a joke...cloud 9 when you are totally into someone and that is all you think/talk about...ok so I am not the world's greatest writer, give a sister a break!); and by "rich" it can just be "God I am desperate for you" that is it. Prayer is changing my life. Now to be honest I have not been sitting down alone a lot lately and talking with God in such a way, but it has been my drives too and from work, at the back of weddings, sitting in a car full of friends and laughter, buying airplane tickets, writing my poetry, talking on the phone with people. My prayers have been said throughout all of these things. And I am watching how even in this way it changes your life. Then I am discovering how many people are interceding for me in prayer. Prayer is changing the season I stand in and prayer is playing a role in what is to come.

I often get frustrated with God because He does not do what I wish that He would do, but then He goes and does what He thinks is best and really that was my hearts desire all along...what He wanted. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4.6-7 Like I said my desire more than likely always turn out to be the desires He had for me. I am not sure what this day holds, this next week, or these next few months, but I do know that prayer is going to play a huge part in all of it.

With All My Love

Daily it is the lesson of learning that this world does not revolve around you. In each day it is learning to be excited for others, to give when you feel as though you have nothing left to give, it is the learning that even though seasons may be so similar you as an individual have your own path to walk in this life. I entered this world alone and I will exit it alone, but I can't help but put it out there, that I hope I get to walk it one day with someone too. I hope one day I get to be excited for one specific individual, able to give to someone specific even when I believe I have nothing left to give. This is all your season and I am so excited for each and every one of you. I take great joy in celebrating where you stand and the journey God has taken you on and where He continues to take you. I rejoice at where you all stand and hope and pray that one day I too will get a chance to stand there. With all my love that I have and beyond what I believe I have.

Disbelief

I want to explain it to you. I want you to understand. I know you already see my heart. I "Know" that you know my fears, hopes, anticipations, and everything wrapped up in this soul of mine. So why is it that I am still so scared? Why is it that from this choice...a choice to follow and to take a risk do I find so much peace, but then my heart is weighted with anxiousness? Why? Why, because I am afraid you will leave me out in the middle of the wilderness without any hope of return, because only by you will I be able to make it through. Only by you is this going to be one of the most amazing adventures of my life. My disbelief keeps me at an arms length away from you. Forgive me. Forgive me for my doubt. Forgive me for not believing that this is the best that you have for me. That all of these years of my life have led me to these moments and this choice. "Trust God from the bottom of your heart, don't try and figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." Countless times you have spoken this over me...when I was in pain, when I was overjoyed, in my sleep, in my day to day routine this has been one of your many prayers over me. Thank you. Thank you that even in my disbelief and doubt you love me and call me your own. Thank you for placing in me enough courage to walk through all of this and to make the choices I have. Help my heart to receive the joy you offer, the wisdom you hand over, and the peace that you replenish everyday. I don't deserve this kind of love, but everyday I find myself more and more grateful for it in my life.

Blind Sided

I read recently that when blessings blind side you they really are some of the greatest blessings you could receive. Nothing extra ordinary has blind sided me recently, but it has been the day to day blind sides that occur that make me realize how blessed and fortunate I am. My heart is continually desiring to know more and learn more and even when it is scared to step out in faith to explore what the answers could be God is faithful to meet me with some of the best adventures, people, and memories...the journey just continues on.

Breathing Deep

I wish I could explain to you what it is I am feeling and thinking
I know I may not seem myself and it is not because I am not filled with joy or a passion for life
Because the thing is I am.
I am ready to go
There are moments through this process where I become anxious and my heart fills with doubt
Yet then there is a whisper within my soul
It reminds me that doubt is not given from Him
There is no reason or need to doubt
I am excited go.
I am ready to go.
Nothing
Not one thing or person is holding me back
I kept asking God to hold it off for a time, to allow me just a bit more time
But its time
Time to see what this is all about
Time to see what is in store
Time to see what I am made of in God
So if I could explain it
I am taking it all in
Reflecting
Breathing deep