My Random Thoughts

* Seven working weeks left...doing my best to not day dream the days away...however here are some of my thoughts*

1. One of our first stops on the South Island in October



2. Reading Genesis



3. October 6th



4. One of my favorite spots by our house



5. A little bit of home...it always brings a smile

Views from this Side

Often I am standing somewhere waiting...I catch myself doing it all day. Waiting for the bus, waiting for an elevator, waiting for someone to pick up the phone, waiting for the minutes to pass me by. But I was caught in an extreme moment of waiting this morning. I was walking along the street to catch my bus and as I am doing so I watch the first bus I can catch fly by and then a few seconds later the second bus I can take flies by. I have yet to make it to the bus stop. Since coming to live in New Zealand I have come to a place of not rushing, not pushing, not being worried about the things I can not control. As of right now looking down the road I realize I can't make either bus come back, so I press forward to wait 10 minutes or so for the next bus. I arrive at the stop and look to my right. The sky looks like it is on fire. New Zealand mornings have become some of my favorite in the world. It is watching the cloud formations pass me by and hit the first light of day and then it explodes into color. I take my camera everywhere and decided to see if I could capture a few shots. I got a few...nothing compared to the real thing, then I put my camera away and leaned against the wall as the clouds began to change and the colors began to grow. Every time I am caught waiting somewhere and looking up at the sky I can not help but get a rush of meeting my Maker. I can only imagine what these views look like from His perspective. I remembered sitting with an old professor and talking about our love for sunrises and sunsets and what a treasured gift they are from the Maker to His children. I am waiting a lot these days, but I don't mind so much, because the views from where I am standing are pretty spectacular.

True North

Nothing will ever be the same

I tend to be a person of change

Yet sometimes I just wish things would stay the same

Looking behind

Looking forward

The truth is inevitable

Things will never stay the same

Pain happens

Joy enters in

Offence will occur

Looking to You the True North

Will be what stays the same

But this life of change

This life of change will continue to change

Things will never be the same

Going forward is the only option

Looking behind will do nothing

Nothing but lay the foundation for what is to come

So here is to you change

Here is to you and all you bring

Here is to the joys and anguish you bring

This rain of change has never felt so refreshing

Here is to you My True North

My constant in the change

Inscription Sur Le Mur

Do you ever stare up into the sky

Or look down with a certain demise

Wonder how it came about

And what you will now do without

It was not always clear

It was never black and white

There was no writing on the wall

Only reminders of you and me

Any run I took

The sight of a familiar view

A certain make and model of a car

A color

The cord within my favorite song

The writing was never on the wall

It was never black and white

Until perhaps it was to too late

You waited

I blocked

You opened up

I closed off

You would have run anywhere with me

Now I am subject to running it alone

Familiar views and all

I am left with but a simple memory

Looking up at the sky

Just my simple memory and I

Indpendence Day

It was the Fourth of July here yesterday and it is currently the Fourth of July at home. One of my favorite holidays...in the top three for sure. I think it became one of my favorite during my childhood. Most Fourth of July's that I think back on have some of favorite memories wrapped up in them. I was usually at the beach. It would be a warm day, the town or city filled with people. I met Meg Ryan on a Fourth of July, the summer I worked in a candy store. One year I got to sit right where they were lighting the fireworks off on the beach. I used to spend all day in the sun and water, have a BBQ in the afternoon, then watch the sunset, and watch anywhere from between 2 to 8 firework shows going on! It is a special day. It has become a special place in my year. I tend to reflect on how far I have come based on the Fourth of July. In a weird way this is my New Year's. A time of looking back on goals, a time to set new goals. I have come a long way in this last year. Much farther than I thought I would in so many ways! Regardless of where you are in the world and considering yourself an American...Happy Independence Day!

Solid All The Way Through

This life. This life right here I do not understand. I am not angry. I am not bitter. I just don't understand. I want more words than this. I want more understanding than the large brick wall in front of me. I run into them all the time. I have gotten good at walking away from them and finding another way. But this life. This life right here. I do not understand.

Phone Call

It was a simple phone call

But a few words

I said a few

You exchanged some others

I thought maybe the outcome would be different

I thought what you would have to say would bring a bit more of this heart to life

Yet you were stronger than I

You said what had to be said

You spoke the truth in love

It was true love you showed me in that phone call

No one has ever been willing to do that but family

We may never speak again

We may never talk as we once did

But I hope that one day I won't have to patient anymore

And that this love will be something that I can embrace

A love that I won't have to watch walk away

Your true love gave me a reason to grow in patience

It was a love

A Love that enabled me to stand

A Love that enabled me to rise each morning
A Love that keeps me going

I am not perfect

You knew that from the get go

You loved me enough to let me go

You loved me enough to allow me to fly

You spoke the truth

I hung up the phone in tears

I hid it well

I never wanted you to see the weak side of me

I never wanted you to see the vulnerable side of me

I sat there in that hot summers day hoping no one would see

In time I stopped crying

In time I got up and walked away

And now in this new day

Many months away

I thank you for your love

All The Time

I live in a country where miracles are happening all the time.

I live in a country where miracles are happening all the time whether I want to believe it or not; whether I am ready to see them or not.

I live in a country where I can see 4 or more rainbows in one day and am quickly reminded of how I am taken care of.

I live in country where penguins cross the road.

I am living.

I am living in a country where miracles are happening all the time.

Culture Collision

Most of you know I enjoy movies. When living in California I more than likely always used to go to movies with people. It was the experience of seeing it with others that made it so enjoyable. I loved the the odd occasion when a few of us would go into a theatre only to find that we were the only ones there. Living in New Zealand I find that I more often go to the movies on my own. At first it felt a bit strange, but I got over that. It became a way to relax and wind down. I have a few individuals I go see movies with and again I am put back to my experiences back home that going with people is a true enjoyment...you have people to discuss the movie with, talk to throughout it (not that I am one of those people:)), some one to be scared with or excited with. Movie experiences here and in California will never be the same to me, but I find both enjoyable for different reasons. I do suggest that theatres back home would upscale a bit like the theatres here. My Dad would be scolding me for how often I have gone to the movies here:) but it is nothing like home...movies are my retreat, my treat to myself, and a little reminder of home with a splash of New Zealand added to it. I rather enjoy it when both worlds collide.

*It would have been nice to have had company for this

film however. I kept wanting to grab the man's arm

next to me:) Didn't think he would have appreciated

that too much!

The Tear

The room surrounded her. It was cold to the core of who she was. It was a new place of learning and a new place of growth. Everything is brand new and when tries to explain it to those who love her she is at a loss for words. As she sat in her bed doing her best to keep warm she asked God for a form of expression to this new place. She stood alone but not afraid. She stood at a place of yet another crossroad. She stood willing to put her heart out. Alexandria, Alex for short, stood believing there was no place she should be then where she was, but she wondered what so much of this had been leading to. Her choices in life, the losses that had taken place, the silent joys that had been given. She had often been watching people coming into their own, getting married, writing books, pastoring churches, babies being born; she felt as though life was changing but she wasn't moving. She was here. Here in her room, in her bed, electric blanket on, thinking about how different things had turned out than what she had thought. Then it came, that form of expression, a tear. It was not just any tear, but held specific meaning. It was a tear that held joy and thanked God for where she was, it was a tear that held the prayer that she would not be alone forever but thanked God that for now she was, it was a tear that expressed that she wanted more than where she was and was willing to do whatever it took to be standing there more of God and more of herself. Alex turned off the light, snuggled down a bit farther into the bed hoping to get a bit warmer, and a adjusted her head just so to be covered enough that she still got some air while sleeping. She fell asleep thankful for the day she had been given and hoping that she would be granted with another one.

Daydreaming

No great thoughts fill this space.
Just me and my time.
My imagination has carried me away.
My circumstances have not overtaken me.
I sit here with my thoughts in my hands.
My mind is somewhere else.
I am caught daydreaming.
I am brought back to this reality of mine.
No great thoughts fill this space.
Just me and my imagination.
I am a daydreamer by nature.
It can't be helped.

Crow's Nest

6 months has come and gone so quickly. Does anyone know where the time has gone? I wish I could describe this season to you so that you could understand where I am standing, but see the thing is that this season is unlike any other. I was sitting on the edge of our couch in our lounge trying to describe it to Kristin the one person who saw who I was before coming and the one person who is seeing me now, and it was even difficult with her. This is uncharted waters for me, at least it has been for the last 10 years. I guess what it comes down to is that I am not bitter any more. I am not angry. I put blame on no one because there is no blame to be put anywhere. The people who are in my life are people that I can open up with and share with. I am not letting what has happened in the past play a part in that. Even with those who continue to be a part of my life that have been for some time...things are changing there as well. It's freedom. It is being at a place of total contentment, but still being adventurous and having a heart willing to go out and search out these uncharted waters! It is an exciting time. It makes my heart rush at the idea of what this truly looks like. I am going "home" in 6 months. But I will make the most of my time here, because I know it is not the last of my adventures. I know it is the beginning of something new in my life. To anyone who might read this and has been impacted by my past relationships in a negative way I am sorry. I didn't know how to let go, but I have. I have let go of it all and all I can do now is move forward with a God beside me showing me and introducing me to so much. He is truly tender in that way. Taking the time, being patient with me...this is what New Zealand has been about: Patience, Willingness, and New Beginnings. I wish you could see the view from this crow's nest because it is absolutely spectacular.

Friend

This is to you my friend
As of right now we are 10,000 miles away
But it should just be a million

I know I can't rescue you
I can't save you
I can't make the pain go away
But I know who can
I know you know who can too
I think of you everyday
I think of that night often
I keep your note from that night close
I wish I could erase it from your reality
But the reality is friend it is yours and many others
You have never felt so alone
Your grief looks different
Your joy looks different
The way you are doing life looks different
But that is the thing friend
You are different
She knew that too
Nothing will ever replace the void you feel
But don't give up friend
Keep going
This is not your end
The rough days will come
The joyous ones will too
But this is not your end
But a piece of your beautiful beginning

Spontaneity

Just a few random joyous moments over the last few months...

Proverbs 13:19a

Certainty

I wondered if the moment would ever come to pass

Or was it just wishful thinking that you would succeed

I wanted you to fly

I wanted you to soar

I wanted you to be everything and more

I strolled along the shore of a foreign sea

Reflecting on you and me

Thinking of the silly things

The foolish things

The genuine moments that slipped right on by us

Who would have thought you and me would turn out this way

Who would have thought me this brave

I would not change it for anything

I would not take back the moments

I would not give them to any one who asked

It has become my beginning

Each day is new and holds with it an adventure

It is the mystery I choose to live out

I wondered if the moment would ever come to pass

And now I can say with all certainty that it has

*Photo by Mr. Dan Cook

Saturn

I got to go to an observatory last week...so much fun! It reminded me of something I did when I was little, I think my Dad took me to one down in LA

somewhere, but it also reminded me of when he would put out our pretty massive telescope and show me all of the constellations in the sky...I think my favorite was the Milky Way though...there was something about it. The mass amount of stars put together all for our enjoyment...our pleasure. I am an aspiring artist in so many ways and through this it enables me to relate more to the LORD; it allows me to relate to His creative side...His fun side! I am enjoying the fact that I am taking risks and even if they were dumb risks I still tried, I didn't hold back. A few weeks back I let Satan and my human nature get me down to a place of what I felt was a no recovery zone, but then God in His ways rushed through my life like a wild fire reminding me of my purpose, my reason, my passions...passions mind you that have been built up in me for so long, but for some reason I have been afraid to express to myself or to share with the rest of the world. One of them being my photography. I love this form of art. I enjoy capturing people, moments, objects, seasons, life really. So, a few of my photographs are going up in an art show. Its the first time I am really letting people who I have never met in my life share a part of my passions. The cool thing is that even though I am sharing this bit, I am not so scared anymore. I am not scared if people don't like it or the concept behind why I took what I did; because it is my offering back to the LORD. This is my sweet incense to say thank you. The night I went to the observatory with my friend I got to see Saturn and when I looked through this HUGE telescope the LORD softly reminded me that He was the God of my childhood and my childhood dreams, but He is also LORD of the woman I am becoming and the dreams and passions she is striving for at present. That even though I am unable to grasp the distance between Saturn and me and the rest of the galaxy (s) that surround me He like this space has this much love and blessings to shower me with, so I say, bring on the star showers!

Sweet Melody

This church is the center of Nelson, New Zealand. Many of the major cities within New Zealand have a church that they were built around. When we were hiking around Nelson and around this church I found myself drawn to a little tiny vent around the side the building itself. As I got closer and closer I heard some of the most beautiful music coming from within. We were not allowed to go inside and listen as I discovered, so I crouched near the vent and listened to my hearts content. My God is like this church in this city, but within my life. No matter how lost, how tired, how frustrated, how confused, how satisfied, how thankful He is where I look. He is where I turn and from Him my help comes and my joy is restored. But He is also like the music in my life. I have people who come up to me who tell me they are encouraged by me, that they love me, and are so thankful for me; which may be very true...but I know what they love more. They love Him. Whether they know Him or not, they love Him and the sweet melody He plays within my life. I often find myself just standing near people so I can listen to the melody playing within them...I am drawn to it and therefore stand allowing my soul to take in what is being played. He never promised an easy journey, He never promised a quick journey...if anything the Scriptures affirm that it is a difficult journey; 2 Samuel talks about David having to walk a long long journey, but the sweetness that comes from these times remind me that I can walk through anything and I can go through anything. I look forward to discovering more places like this church in Nelson that brought me a sense of hope. I look forward to God being this sense of hope for others through me, because it is hardly ever my own sweet melody that comes from within, but His sweet melody written through me.

The Tide

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain”

C.S. Lewis

Under the Wellington Sun

I enjoy movies. Most of my friends can testify to this. One movie that I put towards the top (a movie in which I am able to watch over and over) is; Under the Tuscan Sun. This movie follows the life of a female writer, whose husband cheats on her, she gets a divorce, and ends up taking a holiday to Italy only to move there. Movies that I am able to watch time and time again usually are ones that I can relate to. Now I may have never been married, been cheated on, divorced, and moved to Italy, but my life has had its rocky moments and I am currently not living in my own country! As I follow this woman in her story there are 2 key moments for me when watching. One is when she is listing off her wishes for the home she has just bought in Italy. The second (at the end of the film) is when an outside person reminds her of her wishes and how they have all come true. These past few weeks have been a bit harder than normal. But something that I have taken the time to do is to look back on my desires and wishes that I have put before God. I have taken the time to look back and see where God and I have walked and where we are walking currently. I have taken the time to allow Him access to my heart and all that is buried there. Even though I know He can already see it and He already knows it there is something about the willingness to give Him access there. God already sees my heart. He has seen my human heart with its human hurts, but the wonderful thing about being His child is that He is able to encourage you on. He is able to pick you up, carry you if He must, or help you to stand and encourage you on to what He has for you. The lessons and the journey all play a part; a part of growing closer to Him, trusting Him more than the day before, and a willingness to die to ourselves and embracing who He had in mind when He fashioned us. Frances (lead woman in Under the Tuscan Sun) had all her wishes and fulfillment's played out in a 2 hour span where as I, do not know the result of my start; but the refreshing thing is my story is real. My wishes are real. My desires are real. And I serve a God who is ever real and ever present and aware of these wishes. So I will continue living the beautiful day to beautiful day. Being present to Him and being myself in this great exciting adventure...my real live version of Under the Tuscan Sun.

Lesson Learned

A waltz when she walks in the room

She pulls back the hair from her face

She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight

Even her shadow has grace

A waltz for the girl out of reach

She lifts her hands up to the sky

She moves with the music

The song is her lover

The melody's making her cry

So she dances In and out of the crowd like a glance

This romance is From afar calling me silently

A waltz for the chance I should take

But how will I know where to start?

She's spinning between constellations and dreams

Her rhythm is my beating heart

When I close my eyes I can see

The spotlights are bright on you and me

We've got the floor

And you're in my arms

How could I ask for more?

~Josh Groban

So She Dances

Fog

It was a night filled with fog. A night so filled with fog that even with your hand stretched out you were unable to see the tips of your fingers. It scared her. It scared her to not be able to see in front of her. But she kept going forward. She kept trusting that the end would result in
discovering the truth. The truth about herself.
The truth about life. And the end to all lies that
she had ever believed. She called out. She called
out from the bottom of her heart to be met half way, to find the complete clearing in the midst of this walk, in the midst of all the fog that surrounded her life. After her plea her foot stumbled upon something. She bent down and felt around to the discovery of a candle. To her relief she picked it up and noticed a lighter next to the candle. She lit the candle, dropped the lighter, and kept going forward. She held it up to lead her way. Even though she may have not been met physically half way, she knew she had been met. She knew that someone was listening. Someone trusted her enough to give her this journey. Someone believed in her more than she believed in herself, especially in these moments of fog. She took that belief and wrapped it around herself. She took it like she took her blankie when she was a child; tucked it in close like a cloak and kept feeling for the path before her. Even though its foggy presence she wasn't so scared or alone anymore.

Footprints

I had to say goodbye to a great piece of New Zealand last night. Actually she is from the states, but has been in New Zealand for the last 3 months; one of those months being able to grace me with her presence. I did not think I would have to say goodbye to anyone I was close to for quite some time, but I think I understand that little poem about people coming into our life for however long or short and making an impact; she made an impact.

New Zealand is already having a great impact on my life. I feel more myself here. Maybe it is just because I am getting the chance to start new with all the lessons I have been learning really over the last 4 years. Regardless of all the ups and downs over these last 7 weeks I have come to love New Zealand, Wellington specifically, and the people who make me fall in love with it every day. Its nice to finally find a place in the world that enables this side of me to come out. It is incredible to be in this relationship with the LORD as I daily walk this journey here. His grace daily fills me, enables me to take risks in conversations, with people, with our relationship, and more. I am learning as His daughter why I am here on this earth. I am beginning to be able to see His footprints more and more in my life than ever before. How faithful He is.

Purpose

I wish there was a way to put it in words, but there just does not seem to be a way. So often these days I find myself riding the bus staring out at all that I pass, the scenery, people, businesses, houses, the ocean, and more... I get lost in it all, as though I was living a story someone was writing. I know to many of you this won't make sense, but I guess if I had to put it into words this would be it. I have never had the dreams to be a doctor, lawyer, director, teacher; an occupation that I knew the steps to get to and so I got there. I have been drifting, but in recent years a better term for it would be trusting. It is trusting that the God who created me does have a purpose for me, so even though it may not have been written on stones for me to run after, its there. I am content with not having my "occupation" before me. I am content with the idea of maybe just working at a seaside cafe for the next year and seeing what comes along. Never in my life have I been this ok with the idea of not knowing. I think for so long I have been attacking God with the ideas and thoughts of wanting to know specifics of what it is He wants me to do, but what a gift He has given me in allowing me to make choices, to not have the structure of life that enables me to go on little journeys here and there. My purpose is to be obedient, listen, and trust. Difficult things mind you, but if you embrace them and Him, the freedom that comes with it is endless!

Patience

Its learning about patience. Now this is not to say that there are not great joys that come out of this lesson, but to be honest...patience is not one of my better giftings. Kristin and I are learning to be patient about "feeling" settled. We are discovering what it means to be patient about finding jobs. But along our lessons of patience we are getting to meet and interact with some truly incredible people. We are getting to see some incredible places. Its hard though...this lesson. I guess the hard thought for me is that just like this sunset I captured right outside of Wellington city, I know there is something incredible looming, some beautiful picture of my life and many others lives painted across the canvas. It's hard knowing what my spirit and soul know and just having to wait...because truly there is nothing that I can do to bring it on any faster. Maybe, I need to take my own advice and just enjoy the fireworks that come with each day through this journey of mine...this beautifully painted journey.

Details of My Heart

You know my heart so well

You truly do read the detailed lines between my prayers

You see even in my lowest of moments and speak right to them

I am left in amazement

I am left in amazement by You

You take my fear and turn it into Your light to lead the way

You pour out your delight upon me

You speak blessing and peace over me

You reassure me with your love

You steady me with Your Word

You whisper Your presence over my life

You took me from one place and planted me in another

You asked me to come and so I have

You asked me to trust and daily I learn

I am willing

At this moment in time I have nothing to lose

Trusting You with the time

And trusting that You will return sooner than later

Thank you for bringing me here

Thank you for being the one to wipe away my tears

Thank you for being the one to bring the biggest smile to my face

Thank you that I get this chance

Thank you that you knew my heart and its details so well

Pauanui Equals Beauty

Said from native Kiwi's to be one of the most beautiful places on the islands. Kris and I had a chance to go with the host family we are staying with currently in Auckland to their beach house in Pauanui. It is located about an hour and a half east of Auckland. Their house; located directly on the water. One of those places you read about in travel magazines; you look over the picture for a minute, close your eyes and take a deep breath picturing yourself there...I caught myself doing this a few times, only to open my eyes to the real thing; and thanking God that I was there. Kris and I every now and again would smile and ask each other "Where are you?" the the other would respond with a smile "New Zealand". It was as though neither of us could believe that we were here and actually doing what we set out to do.

In such a short amount of time we are both believing we are here with a purpose and that everything we are doing and each conversation has a reason behind it. The last night we had at Pauanui the LORD gave me great courage in a conversation with 4 older adults. We got into a conversation about world politics, end times, and several other deeper topics. I told Kris after the conversation that normally I would be scared out of my mind in conversations like that; as feeling a bit out numbered. But the incredible thing was that these adults who are 30+ years older than me took in everything I had to say and believed it to some extent. I know over time the LORD is going to create a boldness within me like I have never known. That even when I believe I have no words to share He will give me the right words to share. He will use me to get His point across. We serve an incredible God; who wants nothing more than His children to come to know Him, believe in Him, and live out the life He has called us to. I know for Kris and I this is just the beginning for us, but oh the places we will go, the people we will meet, the encounters we will have along this journey are bound to be some of the most fantastic we have ever had before.

You are all in my thoughts. I miss you, but know, just as I know I am supposed to be here, you are supposed to be where you are. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts. They are felt and received even from many miles away.

With blessings and love,
h

A Day in Auckland

It has been almost 48 hours since setting foot into New Zealand and already I am blown away by the LORD's timing and provision. Even in a such short amount of time I have found myself feeling myself. Given there is quite a bit more traveling to be done before getting settled, but the journey up to this point has been fantastic.

Today Kris and I had the chance to go into downtown Auckland. Great city located on the water. (Fun fact: the farthest point from ocean water you will get is 2 hours!) We caught a bus into town and began to explore our way around the city. We ended up going back to the location of a meeting I had yesterday. When we got up there we ran into a friend we made on the bus coming from the airport. His name is Phil and he is from UK, really nice guy. So we ended up spending the day wandering around with Phil our new friend. I found the public transportation quite easy and I told Kris on our ride home that I did not think I would miss driving too much...only on those days were I just wished to get in a car and go for a drive! :)

In these few short ours of being here God has already answered dozens of prayers. One major one being the fact that I was afraid that I should shut down a part of myself and not make friends. I know many of you who know me think this is silly, but truly it was a fear. But when I think about my fears and place them before God I took think they can be quite silly. For all I can see and believe the LORD knew long ago that I would be standing here 10,000 miles away from home, but along the way has been preparing and equipping me for this time as well. What an incredible God we serve. He truly does deserve the praise given to Him in revelation. And alas even though I may not be up there with the ten thousands of angels I am given the opportunity to praise from here...a little island that so desperately needs to know Him. I am humbled at the fact that He chose me. What a gift I have been given.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. May the LORD be with you...no matter where you are on this world.

With Love,
h

Water and Light

There is something about water and light no matter what form they come in that attracts me and causes me to stare. There is something about the elements as separate entities as well as when they are together. Have you ever looked out over the ocean when there is a full moon? Every time it takes my breath away. Or maybe possibly seen a candle behind a water glass and the reflection it makes all over the room? It amazes me how beautiful something can be when coming from two simplistic elements. In some ways I see it as our own lives when interacting with those around us. Certain specific meetings. Divine encounters. Specific purposes for meeting certain people. There is something that can leave you in awe after situations like this, just like the water and the light. When I really look at it though I think what leaves me in awe about the water and the light and moments of the day to day life is the One who is behind it all. He is the One who truly leaves me in awe.

Looking Ahead

I had a chance to go home for a few weeks before moving to New Zealand and by far it was one of my best trips home since leaving for college, 4 years ago. It was a time that enabled me to do many different things that I would not normally have done while being home. Went on several long drives, hiked around scary cliffs at night over-looking the ocean, laughing with friends I had not seen in years, rejoiced over new beginnings, drove a convertible, walked through a farmer's market, celebrated a 4 year old girl's birthday, took long walks, sat in the silence of the Almighty. I could have not asked the LORD for a better time at home. Even the rougher moments the LORD used for His glory and His good. I am daily learning that in these moments of being stretched that He is who I put my trust in. He is the one I look to for guidance. He is the first one I run to. Refreshing.

If there was anything else that came from this journey home it would be reflected in this picture. God continually whispered to me that my past is indeed my past and there is nothing I can do to change it, but I can learn from it. There are appropriate moments to reflect on it and be thankful for it, but there is no need to dwell there. But I am now to live in the present and look ahead with joy to what it is He has ahead and allow the past to be the road that has brought me to where I stand now. He has so much in store; so many good and wonderful things...

My Cup

My cup runneth over...

Let Me Get Off

Are we done here yet?

Or is the ride still going?
Is there still more to learn?
Is there still more to see?
I have been on for so long.
My body aches.
My soul thirsts for something new
Are we done?
Are you done?
Am I done?
Please.
Let me get off.
And walk by the sea in peace.
With you carrying me...
Please.

To You My Broken Hearted Friend

Dear God...
Be with those who are hurting.
I have known pain that I never thought would leave,
But You have always been faithful to meet the needs of my heart.
Be with those who are close to me, who are hurting and searching.
I am surrounded by some incredible women...jewels in hiding I guess we could call them.
I and others see their, worth, beauty, and "fight" value.
May they believe all that has been prayed over them.
May they believe they are worth the fight.
Thank you God for the blessings they are in my life.
May I one day have the opportunity to share these special and rare blessings.
May I one day be able to receive my own prayer.
In Your Name.
Amen.

One Starfish in a Sea of Many

I woke up this morning and was sad. I was talking with a friend last night and everything that is about to take place (forgive me, I know umpteenth blog about change and what is to come...but if you keep reading it is your own fault if you are bored:)). We talked about what my last week would look like and a few things I would need her to take care of after I was gone. It began to hurt then, but this morning it was as though someone had thrown a ton of brings on me. I got up and out of bed, went into our dark living room and looked outside our sliding glass door to see that it was a perfectly foggy day. I love these days and then I surveyed the room and how many great conversations and shows I would miss. It hit... that the way I am choosing to do life or start this section of life is so different than many I am around and it made me so sad, because it is a parting of ways. I can hear my Mum even now as I type of my sadness that what I must focus on are things that are right, good, and lovely. I love my Mum no matter what season of life we may be in...I will always love her. But even when trying to focus upon the right, good, and lovely sadness still finds its way to my life. Its normal I know. Sometimes though being that starfish that finds its way to the shore is not always the easiest thing. In the "comfort" section of my life I tend to wish that I could be the starfish at the bottom of the sea on a rock, watching the sea go by, and continue on doing my starfish thing; but I am not that starfish. I am the curious one. The one that wants to take a chance despite everything screaming within her. I am sad, but I know the sadness won't last forever...just as the night comes and goes, so does the sadness; because there are always (LORD willing) new mornings...whether foggy or sunny...always a new one!

Waterfalls

It is in these moments that I truly discover who I am
I discover what I was made of
It is in these moments of vulnerability and honesty that I discover
That everything is going to be ok
These moments remind me that no matter how alone I think I am
I never truly am...
This journey has its purpose and I have been given everything I could need
It has been love, encouragement, forgiveness, and forgetting that has lead me here
Now, I see myself on the edge of a waterfall with God, looking at Him as a daughter does
With affection and gratitude
Ready to jump in and feel what this refreshment feels like
Ready to rest in my choices
Take a risk
And fall into it all

My Own Little Piece of Never Never Land

Sometimes I can not help to think if they were the wrong choices. For the first time in my life that I can remember, my extended family are putting themselves out there, we talk on the phone, we e-mail, we want to spend time with one another...but maybe we all figured this out around the time I made my choice to move. Maybe we all realized just how important we are to each other.

But then again being the thinker I am, they are for me, the best choices I could be making. I have been so nervous what life looks like for Kris and I once we move over there, but I am already getting the chance to talk with people who are so welcoming that I know in time they will begin to be more of my family than they already are now. Regardless of the choices themselves, they have been my choices and I have done the best of my ability to seek God with all my heart in making these choices.

So maybe in some way and fashion this is my last kiss. For so long I have fought the idea of 'growing up'...I have tried to hang onto my 'Peter Pan' story as long as possible, but I think it happened this summer. Somewhere along the road, somewhere along the journey, things changed; I still get to have fun and be that little kid hiding out on, but this is my last kiss to living the life I have been living. A life of consistency, a plan, an outline. This is a whole new ball game, a whole new way of doing life, but the thing is I am ok with it. I am at peace with the choices I have made. I have accepted, embraced, forgiven, and forgotten. Now it is time to let that part of life go and be a part of who I am. A girl on a journey, hoping that in the process she will be able to honor her Maker, and find a few more parts of herself along the way.

*C.D. I never got a chance to really tell you this, but you inspired me and still do to this day. Thank you for being you. You are the one who is amazing.

Coffee Shops

I had the opportunity to sit outside a coffee shop and put down into words my journey before moving out of the country. I take a few times out of each week to sit and do this, to reflect on what is occurring now, what God is showing me in my day to day routine, how I react to the silence of life currently. However it is also a time of accepting God's good and perfect gifts. A discovery I made over the summer was that I am in no way afraid to talk to people...complete strangers in fact. There is something about hearing their story...their life journey...a summed up version at least...today I met a man named Duah (Doo-Ah) he is from South Africa. He was born in South Africa, moved to France in his teenage years, and after college moved to the states. I had seen him walk into the coffee shop, I smiled as he passed by (as I do to most who pass by my little table hidden away in the corner right by the door) and continued to write. 20 minutes later he came back out and mouthed to me that he hoped I would continue to enjoy writing long after school ( I could see how it looked like school work...had a few books out and what not) I removed my headphones and explained to him that I had graduated from university in May and that my writing was for my own pleasure. Fascinated that a young girl would take the time we struck up a conversation.
Close to 2 nights ago I had poured my heart out to God telling him I was so afraid that once moving to NZ that I would not meet anyone and I would be socially awkward...but here he goes showing me with my own life that no matter where I am in the world he is right there with me and meeting people will not be a problem with him by my side.
This piece of tapestry is an example of my summer, I have gotten to travel, meet new people, have new experiences, and discovered more of the God I love...even in moments I believe to be just shades of black and white, God is weaving together such a beautiful tapestry of not just my life, but of his family. Duah was a gift. He was a wonderful encouragement to a simple girl who likes to write. Thankfully NZ has coffee shops, so I don't think the writing will end here.

Friendships

See, this girl in the mirror does not always have the easiest time looking in the mirror and seeing the reflection that is before her. But if there is one thing that she can see beyond the image before her is the people who surround her and believe in her. She is a girl who is deeply deeply loved for who she is and who she is becoming. She may not always say the right things, do the right things, or act the right way; but those around her know that it is a part of her journey...it is a part of how God is choosing to shape her. So even though it is not easy to look back at the reflection it is easy to believe in those that God has placed around her to remind her that she is brave, beautiful, and bold in her own way. The reflection she begins to see is not only hers, but those who have surrounded her in good times and in bad.

Someone's Wish

I had the chance to read someone's wish today. It was one of the most genuine, real, honest wishes I had ever heard before. The moment after reading it I wanted let this person know that it was my wish too. That maybe one day we would find each other and have a wonderful conversation about our wishes, the the life we both desired, and the changes we knew needed to take place for these wishes and dreams to come true. Sometimes I can't help but hope that I could know a little bit more of God's plan...to understand and know His timing a bit better. But alas, I am still Heidi Noelle. Daughter of a great big loving God, who in His good and right time will reveal, His good and perfect will. To you my fellow dreamer. You may not know me or ever will, but thank you for putting to words what my dreams really are.

Doing the Best I Can Do, With My Pride Set Aside

The thing is...I am a closure type of person. There is something about me personally that needs closure whenever I walk away from someone or something. Right now in this current state of being I am looking for closure in many different areas and thankfully I serve a God that is more than gracious to give me the closure I seek. My Mum so kindly reminded me today that not everything in life is going to have closure wrapped up in a nice little package as it is currently now for me. Boy do I know! Its just that I feel so stupid sometimes looking for the answers that I am seeking.

It is so hard to have to explain to certain people...especially the people you are looking

to get answers from. But then again my loving Mum reminded me that it is a journey of

humility as well. Sometimes the answers we seek often will cause us to set aside our pride

in order that the answer be discovered. The best part of this though has been, just out right,

walking it with God. It is seeking His council, continually being reminded of His provision,

continually being reminded that no matter how dumb I may look it never hurts to ask.

I explained to my Mum that a part of this excitment also allows me to see something

about this journey before Kristin and I and it is that I truly am going to be able to appreciate

what is before me. There will be nothing behind me that holds me back from seeing what is

right there before me. I read this last week, "The path is before you, not behind. Don't give your future to your past." PJS How often we do this. How often I do it. I go into direct response of believing that my past is going to be like my future...my past may shape my future, but my past

is not my future...what a refreshing thought.

Intended

May it all burn away

May what remain be as it was intended
To be right and pure
One of character and lacking in idleness
May what remain be that which is refined
Burn it away
So that all that remains is what was intended

Freedom

Its
These
Days
Were
I
Wish
I
Could
Be
Honest
To
The
Point
Of
Complete
Freedom

A Happy Thought

"A friend loveth at all times."
- Proverbs 17:17

Friends Listen to what you dont say
**Samantha Norman**

"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with friendship."
Ralph Waldo Emerson